Neo (the first time he returned to the Matrix): "I used to eat there. Really good noodles. I have these memories from my life. None of them happened. What does that mean?"
Trinity: "That the Matrix cannot tell you who you are."
You define your existence. You define the real, the not real, the pain, the joy... Im saying this to say that you are running into the wall that we all run into when the cognitive dissonance begins to shed its skin. The choice you are making in this case means that you are now the architect of your life. No one else. Congratulations. The pain will diminish with time.