Posts by freemindfade

8

Does The Watchtower Use Propaganda?

by The Governor in

" --- g00 6/22 pp.

Desire To Ejaculate Motivates Local Christian To Wed

by freemindfade in

desire to ejaculate motivates local christian to wed.

news february 11, 1998.

vol 46 issue 27 local marriage religion relationships.

freemindfade

Desire To Ejaculate Motivates Local Christian To Wed

NEWS February 11, 1998

VOL 46 ISSUE 27 Local · Marriage · Religion ·Relationships

PADUCAH, KY—Throughout his life, 22-year-old Matthew Leske has been a devout Christian, attending services three times a week at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church in his hometown of Paducah, regularly participating in Bible-study devotionals with his mother and four sisters, and faithfully adhering to the dictums of his strict fundamentalist Christian upbringing.

Though his wedding date has yet to be set, fundamentalist Christian Matthew Leske is so eager to ejaculate that he has already purchased his tuxedo and is waiting patiently at the church.

Throughout his post-pubescent life, Leske has also, like all male humans, been gripped by an intense, all-consuming desire to ejaculate sperm, but has been unable to do so out of fear of incurring the wrath of God and suffering an eternity of agonizing punishment in the afterlife.

A part-time prep-cook and odd-job yardwork handyman when not volunteering as a Bible witness to local shut-ins and nursing-home residents, the young Leske has never had much time for socializing with members of the opposite sex. Nevertheless, last week, Leske announced his intention to marry fellow Christian Luann Ruth Perkins, also a member of Holy Christ Almighty, whom he met on a church-sponsored Luther League hayride two months ago.

Leske cited his irresistible desire to achieve sexual climax and ejaculate sperm without having to go to hell as the number one factor in his decision to propose marriage.

"I really want to discharge semen," he said. "I mean I really, really, really want to really bad."

Living his 22 years inviolate under strict fundamentalist doctrine, Leske has never ejaculated, for to do so outside the holy bonds of sacramental matrimony would mean non-negotiable, eternal punishment upon death.

"I don't want to go to hell," said Leske, explaining his decision not to engage in premarital ejaculation. "I am absolutely terrified of the burning and scorching of my impure, unclean flesh in the Lake of Fire; the prodding and stabbing by pitchforks wielded by demons; and, in particular, the unending, eternal torment in pits of boiling pitch as Satan the Deceiver laughs in sadistic glee."

Burning with a desire to ejaculate so overwhelming that it has threatened to dwarf even his love for Christ, Leske has, ever since puberty, researched the subject at length, discovering "five score and seventeen" different methods by which males can achieve ejaculation. Unfortunately, Leske said, not one of them is permissible under fundamentalist-Christian law.

"Homosexuality, masturbation, oral-genital contact, frottage, shoe fetishes, barnyard animals, leaning up against a washing machine on spin cycle—I could go on and on," Leske said. "I would have gladly tried any one of these, because, like I said, I really, really want to ejaculate. Regrettably, though, they are all punishable by eternal torment in the demon pits, so it was pretty much either get married or give up on ejaculating completely."

While Leske is greatly looking forward to marriage and the sweet release of sperm it will bring, he noted that even in holy wedlock, fundamentalist Christian doctrine limits permissible ejaculation to just one circumstance: sexual congress for the purpose of procreation.

"I'm going to want to start a family pretty much immediately," he said. "If I can get a raise and a second job, I figure I might be able to eventually support a family of as many as six or seven offspring. That means I should hopefully get to ejaculate seven times before I die. I know, you're thinking, 'That's not much.' But believe me, it will sure beat the heck out of what I'm doing now, which is not ejaculating at all."

Leske does admit to harboring some doubts about his upcoming nuptials. "What if Luann, never having seen a naked man before, is so frightened that she refuses to allow me to ejaculate?" he said. "Divorce would be out of the question, and I'd be trapped forever in a non-ejaculatory marriage. It will probably work out okay, though: Once she becomes my wife, I should be able to command her to do whatever I say, and, even if it's against her wishes, it will be her Christian duty to obey me."

No date has been set for the wedding, but Leske said he would like it to take place "as soon as humanly possible."

"I have opened my heart and mind to Jesus Christ, the Son of God the Father, my Lord and Savior in Heaven, who died on the cross for my sins, that I might be born again in His blood. And I yearn for the righteous power of the Holy Spirit to fill me with holy inspiration. But I also yearn—desperately yearn, yearn with indescribable longing, I mean really, really yearn—to ejaculate. If it were up to me I would prefer to ejaculate right now. This minute. No lie." –The Onion

http://www.theonion.com/article/desire-to-ejaculate-motivates-local-christian-to-w-798

42

Return to Jehovah Photo

by naazira in

jw
friends

this picture is in the new publication from this year's convention, titled "return to jehovah".

part 1the lost one i will search for.

personally, the animal looks scared of the shepherd.

freemindfade

The show those who leave as so pitiful, and i know many if not most of you have had conversations with still in's that treat you as weak, sick, pitiful, dumb, lost, when (at least in my case) you could not be more opposite. Getting out of this cult makes you happy, strong, fearless, focused. This will keep the RF talking to us like brain damaged children.

42

Return to Jehovah Photo

by naazira in

jw
friends

this picture is in the new publication from this year's convention, titled "return to jehovah".

part 1the lost one i will search for.

personally, the animal looks scared of the shepherd.

freemindfade

Sadly my sheep wandered, liked hangin out with the wolves and found out he was one all along, not a sheep. Thinking for yourself isn't all bad. I'd rather be around wolves in wolves clothing than sheep who can't think and are in fact surrounded by wolves wearing sheep's clothing who want to stay that way to harm the sheep.

13

april 15th simplified why is the article dissfelowship a loving arrangement missing

by poopie in

jw
friends

thoghts

freemindfade

Because simplified is for newbies. They dont want them to know the concequences of signing the billion year contract now do they? ??

20

Street Witnessing - did you ever do it?

by Muddy Waters in

i remember in our congregation, there were a few older pioneer sisters who would start counting their time early - even before the service arrangement - by standing at a street corner and holding the magazines up in front of them and hoping that any passersby might stop to take one on their way to work or whatever.

as a fresh, new dub, i had heard about this "street-witnessing" work, but there was only one time i ever actually saw one of these older sisters doing this.

and even then i was shocked and embarrassed for her.... because this poor old sister was standing there, all by herself, holding up the watchtower & awake magazines, yet looking as sad and depressed as she could possibly ever look, her whole mouth was turned down just totally sad as she stood there, observing all the "dead" people walking around, hurrying to catch buses, get kids to school, get to work, etc.

freemindfade

Easy time in NYC walk down the street and unload a million old magazines, if anyone tried to talk it was like, woah woah woah sorry we gotta go, lotta people to get to lol!

9

Do you impose your views on others?

by wifibandit in

the irony!

when i first saw this picture i thought they were holding the bible teach book!

ha!

freemindfade

hahahahahaha

Well done Cappy

14

WT started using the internet in 1997, brother said

by StarTrekAngel in

so brohter (not elder or anything but many years active) had to give talk this week.

talk related to how jehovah gives abilities to people thru the spirit.

started off with the mention of how god told moises to build the tent and gave people the abilities to work wood, stone, etc.

freemindfade

They had a site that is for sure, I wouldn't say there were "on" the internet until recently. Especially the way they have wailed on it the last two decades until just recently.

Apparently you could going the website without pornography popping up out of the blue! and social media was the worst. My how things have changed

12

Revised New World Translation

by FusionTheism in

i just wanted to put it out there that i am actually truly impressed by the revised nwt.

i think it's an awesome bible version.. the only issues i have are that it should only have "jehovah" in the new testament when quoting the old, and the alternate translation of john 1:1 in the footnote should be in the main text..

freemindfade

I like how they took "mental regulating out" probably not because that sounds culty at all

41

If you found out TTATT at 80 and spent your entire life at Bethel, what would you do?

by John Aquila in

would you do a ray franz deal and write a book or keep quiet and live out the rest of your life in bethel?.

would you keep reading the watchtower magazine?.

freemindfade

Pop some viagra and go on f%$@ing-cation... hopefully die in the process lol

Sorry kids for my crassness in advance

FMF