I am a mother of 3 children. My 1st and 2nd were surprises, I was 22 when I got pregnant with my daughter, I wondered too if I would be a good mother due to my childhood? I used to call my mother "mommy dearest". Mom hated that, the one time I said it to her as a joke, well it was ugly and I will leave it at that. Joan Crawford reminds me of my mother. I remember my mom asking me to vaccum the living room, just a touch up she said. I decided to do an extra good job, and vaccum under the plants, and all of a sudden she slaps me across the face because I did not do what she told me to do???
I have asked myself "why couldn't I have had a different life"? since I was old enough to think about it. Why, Why, WHY?
I stopped asking a long time ago because I am me now, I know who am. I can't change what happened but I certainly can make my children's life good. They are 11 & 9 now (I have a 1 year old too) and wonderful children. They do not have to feel stressed, or walk on their toes in our house. I never spanked by kids either, I just could not do it. Frankly, it worked, they did not need spankings (although I am NOT judging those that do, I just can't do it).
Can you be a good mother? Yes, the past is the past, we can't change it but we ourselves can make our lives better, not only for you, but the children that we have or will have. There is sense gratification knowing that my children did not have to go through what I went through, and I can contribute in making their lives full, it just takes alot of love.
I feel for you, reading your post broke my heart because I still remember what I went through too, I just can't let it consume me.
Nikki