I have obligations today so will to keep this short. (short for me anyway)
I believe BOTH Jeff and Lola make excellent points. I understand both perspectives. Neither one is wrong, IMO.
I too am disassociated (like Jeff) and my wife has faded (like both Jeff's wife and Lola).
I personally lean more along the line of Lola's point of view when it comes to running into JW's which I do almost every day since I live on an island.
The thing that I try to keep in mind (and which I have not seen you mention yet Jeff) is that for these indoctrinated JW's you run into; the shunning, avoiding, dissing etc etc, is for them A PART OF THEIR WORSHIP.
They believe they must do this to move you to come back. Shunning you is part of pleasing God. For them it means their life and possibly your life. It is not meant so much as how you are taking it, as an attack against you as a person. Many JW's hate to even have to do it. They become very uncomfortable. But this arrangement (as wrong as it is) is a very integral part of their own worship, at least in their minds.
Additionally, if they do not shun, avoid, diss etc you, then they believe God will look down upon them unfavorably. In fact they think YOU may lose your eternal life, by never coming back to the org, if they talk with you as if all is great and normal.
Going even further, if they do not shun, avoid, diss etc you, then they can very possibly become LIKE YOU, and shunned, avoided and dissed themselves. And JW's report on other JW's all the time as we all know.
They, simply put, THINK shunning you is the right thing to do for them, for you, for Jehovah, the cong, your family etc etc.
I see them far more as victims rather than they are somehow assaulting me when I get the shunning deal.
Just yesterday, an elder and his wife walked right by me and my wife. The elder was in front and had a scowl on his face looking hard and angry. But when the wife walked by she just kindly looked at me and smiled in a very caring way.
BOTH reactions come from the very same place IMO. Neither spoke but both (scowl and kind smile) think they are doing the right thing to help me come back. And by our leaving the Watchtower Society some can take it personal as if we are attacking their religion to some degree just through our actions of leaving.
I never bother getting into it during these personal encounters. They will never listen to me and there is no chance of getting anywhere but making things even worse for me and my wife. So I ignored the scowl faced husband and smiled back and winked at his wife. Both of whom I've given talks in their Hall when I was an elder.
They are for the most part simply doing what they think is right. Just like you and I did it when we both thought it was right as well.
But that sure doesn't mean I don't have my own brand of theocratic warfare to expose JW nonsense.
Just this week I was all over a thread online on my local newspaper. I addressed a dozen or more JW's and exposed the religion quite throughly.
A couple months ago I did the same thing on a USA Today article, which has huge visibility. (I just don't want to do this all the time).
In each case the only way to describe what happened is to say the JW's were all SPANKED thoroughly by the arguments presented.
And then they headed for the hills. And many other JW's sure did read it all. Just like here on this site and even this thread.
These can be really excellent opportunities to help get JW's to start thinking outside of the little boxes they live in.
I, like you, can get angry when my wife gets hurt with unfair JW shunning and nonsense. THAT can be a tougher challenge.
But the above still equally applies that these folks are usually just doing what they personally are taught and believe is the right thing to do.
Most really are just victims themselves here.
At least we have found our way out!
Hang in there.
All the best,
Vinny