Posts by AllTimeJeff

131

ATJeff Answers Letters from JW Readers

by AllTimeJeff in

jw
friends

i didn't want to hijack billy x's attempt at hijacking another thread directed to our apostate terrorist, reinna.

this is a parady that only ex jw's could possibly appreciate.

whether you appreciate my macabre sense of humor is entirely another matter.

AllTimeJeff

Dear Brother Manners,

Thank you for your kind and theocratic response to my problem with my doberman. When I informed him I could no longer continue with that practice, he bit me. Thankfully, the Doctors said he did not have rabies and I will be a good candidate for some new prosthetic fingers.

I have one final question. I noticed that my doberman really enjoys licking himself "down there." Will he still be able to do this in the new Paradise Earth(tm)? Will I?

Yours in Jehovah's Service,

Sleepless in Nebraska

Dear Brother Sheeples

We were going to ask your elders if you were born in a barn, but that seems a moot point now. 2 elders in the Service Dept were concerned when your dobie "bit you", since the phrase "Bite me" is a homosexual invitation, one several elders here at Bethel frequently fight against.

In reply to your question, we looked at your age on your nearly empty service card and found that you were not exactly at a bendy age. One cannot hope for eternal youth in paradise earth in the hopes that they can orally gratify themselves. After all, dogs do it to clean themselves, bethel elders do it to, oh never mind.

We don't really think you will have to worry about finding out if the ability to bend in a manner as you suggest will happen in paradise. You will probably go down with your dog, no pun intended.

In the meantime, we have asked your elders to pay you an encouraging shepherding call, complete with the latest WT and stick figure drawings of bendy people in paradise. We are sure that the 2 elders, both of whom were appointed in 1972 and amazingly are still serving us loyally, will no doubt encourage you to a new spurt..... of activity... never mind.

131

ATJeff Answers Letters from JW Readers

by AllTimeJeff in

jw
friends

i didn't want to hijack billy x's attempt at hijacking another thread directed to our apostate terrorist, reinna.

this is a parady that only ex jw's could possibly appreciate.

whether you appreciate my macabre sense of humor is entirely another matter.

AllTimeJeff

Dear Faithfilled and Diskrete Slave.

Could you please tell me why elders always screw the flock at the edge of a cliff?

BTS

Dear Burn my britches

It's the easiest place to dispose of the evidence. Welcome to Gehenna beeach!

While you won't find this technique in a WT, we did have the elders at their latest school write it down in #2 pencil, or invisible ink.

131

ATJeff Answers Letters from JW Readers

by AllTimeJeff in

jw
friends

i didn't want to hijack billy x's attempt at hijacking another thread directed to our apostate terrorist, reinna.

this is a parady that only ex jw's could possibly appreciate.

whether you appreciate my macabre sense of humor is entirely another matter.

AllTimeJeff

Dearest Brothers,

I was wondering how exactly I should wipe my nose... it appears that I require help in this area too, and think it would be a great new Awake! article. Also, it would probably be good to include the updated way of sneezing into the crook of one's elbow.

Thanks, and may the Sovergn Lord Jehovah continue to bless all your efforts in getting your readership up!

Dear Gentile Monkey

Did you know if you wrote letters to old people in nusing homes, you could count 10 hours a month and be a Ministerial Servant by now? Stop asking so many questions and start sucking up to the elders like a good little borg monkey.

Frankly, with all the downgradees in paper and printing quality we have put into place, we can't think of a better use for Awake then to sneeze into it, and see if the color bleeds into your jungle mucus. Don't sneeze too much, we don't want you to lose all of your brain.

104

Christian Arrogance

by startingover in

jw
friends

maybe arrogance is not the right word but i can find no other that describes what i see.

the idea expressed by some christians on this board is that somehow god specifically chose them.

i'll quote perry as an example as his post inspired this thread.

AllTimeJeff

BTS, I understand that. It really is the struggle of Christianity at the moment isn't it, a stricter fundamentalist view of Christianity (i.e. Pauline Christianity) or a more strict adherance to the words of Jesus in the gospels alone, without the Pauline influence.

I go more for the gospels alone.

Perry isn't being persecuted. Believe me, I talk about myself a lot. I can smell it a mile away. Perry's context is always himself, not others. Jesus context was always others, not himself. To me, that is a big difference.

But like I said, I don't think Perry is a bad person.

Sorry for the indirectness. Perry, I don't think you are a bad person.

104

Christian Arrogance

by startingover in

jw
friends

maybe arrogance is not the right word but i can find no other that describes what i see.

the idea expressed by some christians on this board is that somehow god specifically chose them.

i'll quote perry as an example as his post inspired this thread.

AllTimeJeff

John 13 says it all for me.

12When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. "Do you understand what I have done for you?" he asked them. 13 "You call me 'Teacher' and 'Lord,' and rightly so, for that is what I am. 14 Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet. 15 I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. 16 I tell you the truth, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. 17 Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.
33"My children, I will be with you only a little longer. You will look for me, and just as I told the Jews, so I tell you now: Where I am going, you cannot come.
34 "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

Some people take that to mean they should only love Christians. Jesus showed that he loved everyone. I realize these little debates and arguements have value for us, but I can't help but think that Jesus would have nothing to do with the piousness that some people spew in his name.

Perry, I think you are not a bad person. I think you are a fearful person. You are to quick to condemn what you feel is wicked and an abomination because somehow, you equate the hatred of your personal take on wickedness to be just as powerful and necesarry as love and acceptance is. Since Jesus said he/god would judge the wicked, why don't you just leave it with them?

Your humble confessions of your own filth do little for me. Jesus had a much more attractive message then "I am a sinner, woe is me."

We can go back and forth on this. I won't do that tonight. I feel sad that anyone would dare talk of wickedness when no one is qualified to judge their brother. But Jesus did say that if you want to see a Christian, then love one another. I never sense your love Perry, only pious judging of others as a contrast to your spiffy new relationship with Christ.

But Jesus said to love one another...

Sounds good to me. In the meantime, I will not condemn a person who in his personal or private life harms no one but the offended imaginations of a few loudmouths. I say that with brutal honesty, tinged with respect.

131

ATJeff Answers Letters from JW Readers

by AllTimeJeff in

jw
friends

i didn't want to hijack billy x's attempt at hijacking another thread directed to our apostate terrorist, reinna.

this is a parady that only ex jw's could possibly appreciate.

whether you appreciate my macabre sense of humor is entirely another matter.

AllTimeJeff

Dear Mr. Manners,

I'm having a problem with masturbation. It all started out slowly and innocent enough, but it's become so bad lately that my doberman pinscher demands I do it to him all the time.

What should I do?

Sleepless in Nebraska

Dear Gentile Cornhusker

We on the GB would have thought that if we did an article every month mentioning masturbation incessently, that we would eventually stop this practice. It seems to have had the opposite effect. Wonder why? However, it should comfort you that some of the friends have similar problems in Wyoming, Louisiana, and our brothers under ban seem to have problems keeping their self control with their camel and llama farms in Saudi Arabia. (where the work is banned and reports are incomplete)

We suggest pulling an Old Yeller on your Dobie and just make cornhusking your own little party of one. Lately, we are trying to distance ourselves from JC's where animals are involved, because technically, we can't disfellowship the animal.

131

ATJeff Answers Letters from JW Readers

by AllTimeJeff in

jw
friends

i didn't want to hijack billy x's attempt at hijacking another thread directed to our apostate terrorist, reinna.

this is a parady that only ex jw's could possibly appreciate.

whether you appreciate my macabre sense of humor is entirely another matter.

AllTimeJeff

Dearest Brothers,

My cat has been acting strange... she keeps looking at the walls strangely, then runs around my house meowing and trying to play with me. I think that she may be posessed by beelzebubba, ruler of the deminz (sic). Also, I bought a second-hand pair of jeans... maybe the demons from the jeans came into the kitten?

I don't know what to do... do you do exorcisms??? (sic)

I'm going back to reading my botchtower (really really sick) now... please advise.

Your Humble Servant,

Shamus100

P.S. LOVE THE NEW SONGBOOK! YOU GUYS F**KING ROCK!

Dear Gentile Monkey

By now, you should know that while we will never condemn garage sales for the sake of our pioneers, we really frown upon them if you aren't pioneering. You do know Rustlers cost $10 at KMart don't you? What kind of idiot buys jeans at a garage sale?

Your cat is probably pissed that you bought 2nd hand jeans too. We don't think you have demons. We just think you are hopelessly stupid, a trait your cat and the Service Dept can easily pick up on. In short, we hate you. We would tell the elders to harrass you, but you'd probably like that.

BTW, we are glad you like the newly revised cult lyrics in the songbook. Remember, Stay Awake, Stand Firm, Grow Mighty, But Don't Touch.

37

From Jon, My Brother

by AllTimeJeff in

jw
friends

i had a brother.

his name was jon.. jon was a sweet, super sensitive guy.

also, a very tortured soul.

AllTimeJeff

Adrianoblue

My brother's story is sad. I had a nice phone call with a former JW who we both grew up with after I wrote that.... Shared some memories.

At the end of the day, my brother would have only wanted the best for us all, and that is for sure. His tale is a cautionary one, and I am pleased to share it. It helps me, and I know it helps others.

I hope you aren't too sad from this story to understand the purpose of me posting about my brother. I miss him. But that is why we all must live purposefully if we can do so at all.

I hope you feel better.

55

Is The Internet The Worst Thing That Could Happen To The Organization?

by minimus in

jw
friends

the witnesses try to demonize the internet.

in your opinion is the internet the biggest problem for the watchtower organization?.

AllTimeJeff

LOL @ agonus!

55

Is The Internet The Worst Thing That Could Happen To The Organization?

by minimus in

jw
friends

the witnesses try to demonize the internet.

in your opinion is the internet the biggest problem for the watchtower organization?.

AllTimeJeff

In a way, JW's are like Microsoft, always trying to make older versions of themselves jive with the latest. They both tend to crash a lot when under stress. They have a lot of bugs. And at the end of the day, both MS and JW's say "We've never been better."

I prefer Apple.