Ah Lorraine, you are in a real hurting place at the moment and I so understand your anger and the fire in you. You hurt, and you want to hurt them back somehow, anyhow.
I don't wanna go all psychobabble on you but you do realise you are going through all the emotions of grief don't you? Sadness, now furious anger.
Well thats good. You go fight their asses off all you can girl, you need to do this for your sanity.
But I can assure you, the way your feeling will pass, it will, I promise with all my heart. Rejection is one of the cruellest bullying tactics that can be inflicted on a person IMO, worse than any physical injury. You've been rejected by the congregation, the inlaws and now Matt, and it can eat at your self-worth bigtime. The fire in your belly is you saying NO, you bastards, you aint doing this to me! Good for you!!
You mention some good non-jw friends, well surround yourself with these people as much as you can. You need their unconditional support and I'm sure they'll give it even if they may not understand all the details. If your invited anywhere, GO, even if you don't feel like it. If you need to cry, DO IT, don't hold back. If you need to talk but can't find a confidant, then we're here, or you could do what a councillor told me, keep a journal, not for every day but just for those occassions when you need to talk but there's no-one around. (I carried a blue notebook around with me in my bag all last year, its full up now and I've just bought a new one for 2010 - some of my language is very colourful in there!)
most of all, trust yourself. You're showing a strength of character and determination that I bet you never thought you had. Well, be proud of yourself for that. Nobody else in your congregation has shown the slightest hint of a backbone like you, and God sees your strength and takes note of every tear. He will remember too.
You ARE a good mum, the best! Look what you've given those boys of yours, the freedom to live their lives unencumbered by the restrictive guilt-ridden rules of a destructive cult. They will thank you with all their heart one day, and that day will come. I promise.
I've recently written a short article detailing my life over the last couple of years. I'll PM it to you, perhaps it might help.
love and hugs
BZ
