The Delusion Of Certitude PT 2
And How We, The "Lost Sheep," Help Them Maintain It
This is the part I really wanted to get at. As I discussed earlier, I believe the Witnesses are addicted to a delusionally reassuring worldview. That worldview is so brittle that it requires constant maintenance from meetings, obedience to a higher power, and field service. And I think it can explain some of the completely bizarre antics we've all experienced from them in one form or another.
One of the ways that Witnesses reinforce their worldview is by surrounding themselves with others who share it. They even go out of their way to avoid people who have different ideas about most anything. But when one of us chooses to leave (whether by fading, getting disfellowshipped without trying to return, or disassociated) that puts a crack in its foundation. We know what they know, after all, and we still reject it as "The Truth." The ones who know us and respect us begin to panic when this occurs.
They panic, at least in part, because this is cause for doubt. We put a crack in their certitude, and now they need reassurance. They want us to make them feel better. And some of them are willing to demand it! Which is why they can get so pushy when commons sense says they should leave us alone. (Even disfellowshipped ex-Witnesses have stories like these)
Think about some of the things they say and do. What happens when you tell them to go away? Do they leave you alone? Not often. Their need is just too great. Instead, they hang around and start hurling bizarre accusations that are more offensive than helpful.
1. "Say what you want, but you know it's The Truth! When are you going to get is together and do what's right???"
They actually say this despite the obvious fact that you disagree. You left, did you not? You might have even told them this, only to have them repeat this statement back at you. I think they are hoping for some sign they can interpret as an acknowledgment that they are correct, or that you regret your decision to leave. That, of course, would reassure them. And somehow, they always manage to find such a sign, do they not?
2. "You know how awful it is out there in the world. Only Jehovah's Witnesses will make it into the New System!"
They say this despite the fact that the system might not end before you die, or the fact that you obviously don't believe they have the True Religion at all. Threats carry no power if you don't believe in them. I think they are really hoping to find a sign from you that can be interpretted as some sort of tacit agreement. They want to see you sweat so they feel reassured that you know, deep down, you made the wrong choice. This makes them glad they made the right choice, as they see it.
3. "How could you do this to me!" I've heard many disfellowshipped ex-Witnesses get this from their families. Then what happens when you tell them you didn't do it to anyone? They don't seem to listen, do they? Or if you ask them what they mean, they get evasive. "You know what I mean!" I think they are really just outraged that you rejected a worldview that is so intertwined with their sense of self that, in effect, you rejected them. You also made it harder for them to retain that worldview, which is delicate enough as it is.
There are plenty of other examples. I'm trying not to make this too long, but feel free to offer others and the rationale behind it. My point is that, to me at least, their behavior makes more sense in this context. They are behaving defensively, in an almost panic-driven state, to save their delusion of certitude. That is why they seem so desperate.
I think we should act calmly and confidently when they stop by to confront us. This is probably the only way to avoid giving them what they crave. If you seem defensive or reluctant to speak for fear of hurting their feelings, they'll decide you aren't sure if you've made the right choice, or tell themselves you're in denial about the horrible choice you've made. If you overreact and get angry, they'll see that as a sign that you're over compensating.
So you have to be in control and avoid pleading your case to them. You have already made up your mind about this, and you made the right choice, so act like it. You shouldn't try to justify yourself to them. Remember, they are the ones who are screwed up--not you! If you can limit yourself to responding calmly and simply to their accusations (with a bored or indulgent little smile) you'll probably make out a lot better. Just let it all wash off of you and don't let them think their opinion counts so much as yours does to them. Make sure they know you are comfortable with your new life, and don't be afraid to ask if they need help getting through their own. If you let them take pity on you, they can still feel like they are in a better place than you are, and that's exactly how they want it to be.
What do you think?
IsaacJ
