One thing that hasn't been mentioned, and I don't know if I'm the only one who experienced this, is spousal rape.
Okay. I have tears in my eyes now. I may have missed some stuff in this thread but I have to comment so if anyone else has already said similiar things to this, I apologize.
April, your quote made my heart start to pound and my stomach to knot.
I can tell you this for sure, this has happened to, in my opinion, the MAJORITY of JW women. Why is that my opinion? Because in the nearly 2 years my website was up, I got not dozens, but literally hundreds of letters from women who'd never told their experiences to anyone, yet felt that they could share them with me. I have wished that I could put them all in a book to be distributed to JW women. Carrying all those stories around in my heart has been a very heavy weight. IT DIDN'T JUST HAPPEN TO YOU!!!
When I put my experience up on the web, I illuded to but didn't spell out the extent of the abuse that my ex put me through. I was afraid of discovery of my identity and the wrath of a maniacal ex that I still have to share custody with. But hearing so many of you putting it out there, I have to do the same.
My ex never hit me. Because he knew that I'd told him from day one if he ever did, I'd be gone. But he instead, started with the mental manipulation while we were dating. I was totally inexperienced, by that I mean that I'd been so sequestered from the opposite sex before we dated that I'd never even been kissed.
Well, suddenly I find myself fighting off Mr Busy Hands every time our chaparones disappeared for a second. I didn't feel I had the right to do anything about it, or to tell him to stop.
We didn't have intercourse before we were married but I found out after we were married that the rest of the stuff he'd coerced me into was enough to keep us from marrying in a Kingdom Hall. He knew that already, but I didn't. Otherwise I would have run to the elders like a good little girl and 'confessed'. When I found out later and went to the elders and we were privately reproved, I suffered from crippling depression and extreme guilt that lasted for years. I felt so unworthy of anything that I decided I must deserve from then on out anything my ex did to me.
He never had to beat me to get me to submit, because I was a mental prisoner already. The woman that I used to be believed that her body was not her own, and 'no' was a word that you never said to your mate when he wanted his due. After all, he was my 'husbandly owner' so I had no rights...
I got seriously sick. I nearly developed an ulcer and lost a lot of weight. My worldly coworkers started bringing me homemade bakery. I weighed 115 pounds at 5'10". I was a living skeleton.
Throughout our marriage, his physical intimidation increased. He'd pin me against the wall by my arms, throw things, block the door so I couldn't leave if he was in a rage. Stopped just short of hitting me, but the threat of physical violence was always hanging over my head. And of course there were always the filthy names screamed at me for any and all reasons.
After we were married awhile, he started trying to coerce me into giving him oral sex. Now, to a 'good' little JW girl who lives in mortal fear of the great creator, you may as well just ask her to go become a prostitute. He badgered me, angrily for years. I kept telling him that I was only trying to please Jehovah. His response was, "Jehovah wants you to please your husband."
I never thought of him forcing sexual issues as abuse, because he never beat me into unconsciousness and raped me (that was my old definition of spousal rape) but my hands still shake when I remember the times I'd wake up with him all over me, and especially the time I had to physically fight him off. Our divorce was already in process, I was already sleeping in another room of the house and had been for some time.
He had me pinned against the wall: he's a big man. I was afraid, I didn't think that I could overpower him. Then I got mad. I looked into his eyes and said "You don't care that I don't want this do you?"
His eyes looked pure evil. That was why he wanted me, only because I didn't want him.
He had me by the wrists. I said to him "If you do this, you will never see your child again."
He thought about it a good long moment before he finally let me go.
I went out and got a birth control injection later that week, to be damned sure he couldn't get me pregnant if he tried it again. Fortunately, he didn't.
My family doesn't know any of this. They do not know of his perverted fetishes (and I'm not talking about oral sex here) that I put up for nearly seven years trying to be a 'good wife'.
And everyone still thinks that I'm the 'bad' one because I 'left him' and 'left the Truth.' My sister, who is the only member of my family who knows any small bit of what I went through, is livid that I've never 'told the elders' about it. She thinks they would have disfellowshipped him and not me. She is so incredibly naive. I had no desire to add public humiliation to my lot in life, and knew that talking to the elders wouldn't do one damn bit of good.
So there it is. Many of us have stories like this. I'm speaking out because women need to understand that abuse comes in many forms.Being mentally beaten into subjecting yourself to treatment that makes you sick, whether he hits you or not, is abuse.
They also need to know that you can get out. Many of us have. And I'm grateful every day that I did.
*sigh* such sad memories. Such dark times. But things are so much better for me now. I am very blessed.
I remember when I first confided to Justin about some of what had happened to me and why I was so untrusting of men. He said to me something I will never forget: "In our marriage, you'll always have the right to say no. My hope is that you'll feel safe and you won't ever want to."
And I have always felt safe with him. It's a different world. He has never been anything but wonderful, loving and gentle to me, and I've never had to, or wanted to say no.
*hugs* to all my fellow abuse survivors. I'm crying along with you.
essie
