SadFox,
Some 9 years ago I was in the same position...well nearly. I'm a father and my son was 15 and daughter 20 when I and their mother divorced and I quit the religion. My ex wife is still very active in the religion.
My son is out of the religion, doing well and we get along quite well. My daughter is still in, very active, and we have nothing to do with each other.
I will give you some advice, but then its coming from a man who spent more than 20 years in a bad marriage and in a wacky religion. Not much of a recommendation so take the advice with a grain of salt.
1) Get some professional help to deal with the whole situation. Preferably a cognitive type psychologist who concentrates more on how to deal with the problem rather than how you got there. I went for about 7 - 8 weeks and it helped. The biggest help was just being able to formulate my thoughts and feelings and speak them to a neutral listener.
2) Try to get past the 'victim' stage as quickly as possible. Of course, you are a victim, but it just feels so much better when you are in more control. At some point, I got pretty angry, thinking ' who are you (my children) to reject and shun me? I wiped your bottom, stayed up nights tending your sickness, provided for you..and this is the thanks I get?'. You will be dealing with a mountain of guilt. The W's are masters at piling it on. Some of that you just have to reject. Some guilt is okay. Divorce is never easy and always comes with some appropriate guilt. You can learn to deal with it. Leave off the 'I was disfellowshipped'. First its an atrocious word and one of the only worse ones is disassociated. You quit. What they want to do with their membership roles is their problem. You dont have to buy into their view of the world. Take a bit more control.
3) Accept that this is a painful process. No one likes a root canal, but we accept the pain knowing its necessary. So here, some pain is inevitable. In a sense, you are dealing with 3 deaths. The death of a marriage. The death of your religion and all it embodies. And the death of your relationship with one daughter and possibly two. Coping with these emotional events is a process, and similar to death you go through denial and disbelieve, anger, and finally resignation and acceptance. The time required is different for everyone and for myself the last stage occurred about 3 years after it started. Since then things are quite good and I am so much happier and more content...even with the loss of my daughter.
4) Like you, I decided not to challenge the beliefs or the religion of my children. In hindsight that was a mistake. It would have been okay if the Ws would have done the same. They did not. Every chance they got they badmouthed me and tried to turn my son and daughter against me. Not in obvious ways, of course, more as the killing you with faint praise. The sly innuendo. The false concern. Your daughters are now 'spiritual orphans' - gag me with a spoon! Make no mistake though - the people in the church are actively trying to turn them both against you and it is war. I was gobsmacked. My son at 16 turned against me and refused to see me. I had legal rights but then it turns out that these are rarely enforced with older children. That went on for two years, till he was in desperate mental and emotional shape and called for help at 2am (I guess the bottom wiping and sickness tending did have an impact). I wonder if I could have prevented some of that had I been more clear and definite about my reasons for leaving. I very much yielded them the high ground. In the end I just stopped believing the religion. Why don't I and you have the right to state that clearly and to state the reasons? No, to do over again, I would have been explicit and passionate about all the ridiculousness in the religion and let the chips fall. Less the victim and more the challenger.
5) It may seem like a little thing, but it is crucial to me. Stop using their language. One way the J dubs win arguments is by chosing the words to be used in the discussion and thereby getting you to accept certain unspoken premises. For instance, 'Kingdom Hall' No its a church. Saying Kingdom Hall is a tacit agreement that there is a Kingdom, that they have the location of it and are the ultimate custodians of that Kingdom and the beliefs related to it. I don't accept any of those premises. 'Brothers and Sisters' Well, hardly. Whatever friends you had are likely running for the hills and won't help you no matter your situation. 'Elder or Overseer' These dudes couldn't oversee a one-car funeral. I don't recognize them as having any spiritual or temporal wisdom or any position of authority over me. 'Field Service' Horse pucky! Its a conversion work. They just want members. Anyway, you get the point. The faster you stop using the language the faster you leave off accepting the unspoken premises and the more your children see that you just simply are not in the religion.
6) Finally and most importantly, build a good, happy satisfying life for yourself. What is the saying "Living a good life is the best revenge" Well I don't want revenge, but I do want a good life. Having that will teach your children much more than any of the Ws or even your words. Its strange. The dubs constantly talk about how happy they are and how miserable everyone else (not the 'World' - more witness speak to be rejected) is. My experience is just the opposite. I knew any number of really miserable sad SOBs in the religion and most of the people I know now are generally happy and content. You are now free. Free to do all the things you wanted and felt too guilty to do before. Go do them. I completed my educational goals, started intensively gardening (the dahlias, roses and zinnias are glorious just now), read all sorts of books I had no time for before, played music. I am happy and content even though I miss my daughter. The most influential argument you can make to your children is a happy life.
Keep your chin up and be patient.
Finally good luck.
Best Regards
Damocles
