Czar,
So much of what you wrote is familiar to me, unfortunately. I live every day with those 'triggers' at arms-length. Sometimes, one goes off....usually, they don't. It's a constant effort to get past the hurt and be as happy as I can be.
I love my family to death, yet my relationship with them will always be altered by the fact that I'm not a JW. I present the situation to myself like this:
My life could've gone down one of two roads...the JW road, or the non-JW road. The JW road would've afforded me the best possible relationship with the family, but my life would be unliveable. So, that optimal relationship with the family comes at a cost. A cost I am unwilling, really unable to pay. Actually, the immense burden the JW life would have imposed on me would have made me so miserable as to negate the benefits of happy family life.
So, here I am. I do the best with what I have, concerning them. And really, could I have it any other way?
Would I trade what I now have, what I now know, to have my brainwashed family happy with me? No way - not ever. I have chosen the better road, the truer path. I am closer to being at peace with myself and the universe than I ever could have been as a JW. That life simply prohibited the personal growth necessary for me to have to make this life worth living.
I guess it all starts with working to make something out of your life to be happy with, and concentrating on that. My happiness as a JW would have been dependent on swallowing bullcrap and selling it to my mind, telling myself that false things were true. I would have killed myself. One thing the JWs did each me is that lies are NO DAMN GOOD. That much is true.
Realize what good things are in your life, and then go through it in your head, and see if it would've turned out the same for you as a dub. The family thing is the price we pay for knowing the TRUTH about the 'truth'. Given the choice to do it over again, I would make the same one every time.