man in black
It's interesting that you say this:
If I had become a murderer, or drug dealer I could possibly understand them
In the last conversation I had with my father 18 months ago when I phoned him with my answer to his ultimatum to go back to JWs or my family would cut me off, I brought up this very issue.
My father is an elder (PO for last few years) and in his congregation there were two 'brothers' in jail, both for manslaughter. One got drunk and stabbed his father in law who died a couple of days later and the other for driving while drunk and killing a bicycle rider. (And this congregation is in a good middle class area where these incidents are not the norm by the way).
Anyway, my father in his role as an elder makes a point of visiting these guys in jail. One is in a prison 2 1/2 hours drive away from my fathers home. So in that last phone conversation, after my father tells me that talking to me is a waste of his valuable time and that as far as my family is concerned I am dead, I asked my father this question:
"Why is it that you will drive for hours to visit a person who has murdered someone and yet you would not drive for 20 minutes to see me and talk about this in person. And why is it that you are going to cut me off when I'm the family member who has done more to help you and the rest of the family when they needed it and has always been there for you no matter what (even after he had an affair years ago while the PO). I said I am living a good, clean life, looking after my family, caring for my elderly mother in law and trying to help others when I can, yet you would rather spend time with criminals."
He replied that the ones in jail had repented and wanted to stay Jehovah's Witnesses, that is the difference between them and me. (He wanted me to go to the elders and confess to apostacy and repent which I refused to do).
I asked why he shows love to these criminals and yet would not show love to me his own daughter (I was 49 at the time).
He said "We don't intend to show you love. We can't show you love the way you are".
And after that lovely, upbuilding, encouraging phone call (which was also full of insults and anger and abuse) from my 'loving' JW elder father I have never seen or heard from any of my family again.
So to answer your original question "How do you deal with shunning?" I'd say at the moment - with difficulty. The pain, injustice, unfairness etc is still quite raw.
It is getting easier though to deal with the shunning by those who I once considered good friends.
Hopscotch
ps - I am not da'd or df'd just faded