Oh sweetheart ((hugs)) My heart aches for you. You are going through kind of what I went through with my ex. No matter how badly he treated me or the kids, I still stayed. But you will reach a saturation point when you will decide to leave and be done with it. I am not sure you've reached it yet...but you will. I hadn't reached the saturation point when my ex left, but I was close. I just didn't see any way possible that I could leave and take the kids, so I stayed. Thankfully he made the decision for me and it was the best thing that could've happened, even though it was heartbreaking.
My ex had me working full time and caring for the littlies and the home, while he lazed around the house. He worked on and off but never enough to actually support us. He wanted me to put him through school, yet I suffer from a chronic illness and was working myself to the bone, while caring for 2 children under 2. I kept on working and supporting the family, and developed pneumonia not once, but twice. The ex wouldn't let me rest, kept pushing me until push came to shove and I resigned from my position. I couldn't take it anymore, the working 24/7 practically and caring for him and 2 children while dealing with my own illness.
His view was 'your parents can support us'. No matter how much I begged him to realise that it was he and I that should be supporting us, not my family. I never pushed him, never nagged...just tried to persuade him to get a job and help out. I even suggested part time work, so he could go to school but he wouldn't have it. So he took himself off to school full time while we suffered financially. I could write a book on the emotional abuse he put me through and maybe one day I will. He just saw NO need to support his family, or at least help me support them.
You sound like an amazing woman, and very, very strong. Don't ever forget that! You are articulate and clever and for goodness sake, wrote a book...that is amazing!!! Right now you need to focus on your own wellbeing, and that of your children. They do not need such a negative influence around (their father) when trying to deal with their own issues. If you can muster the strength and have support around you...leave him.
What some men fail to remember and I think this is more witness men than others, is that providing for their family isn't only materially. It involves much more. My ex used to tell me that he wanted nothing to do with our children until they were at least 7yrs old. So he would literally shoo them away when they talked to him. He had no time for them whatsoever. He was a poor communicator, would never even make small talk and it drove me almost insane. I felt so lonely and isolated. He only seemed to want me for sex and if he wasn't getting it every single night, he would yell at me. Of course by the end of the marriage, I was in no rush to sleep with him given his attitude and treatment of me and the children. So that is probably why he left us. His usual every night sex dwindled to once a week and he hated that!
I've only read first page of comments but had to reply straight away as I identify with you and sympathise completely. Just know that sooner or later you will reach the saturation point and will have the strength to go your own way. Meantime seek out help within the community. There are organisations who can help you get on your feet and perhaps even find temporary accommodation if need be. If you go for divorce, you are entitled to half...even the house, so try not to worry about that right now. In the end it will all work out :)
