Jeff knows not what he has wrought . . . .
Ooh, there's so many delightfully naughty women to choose from in the Bible. I always loved Jael because she didn't wait around for a man's help to kick ass. But for the purposes of this GB, I will claim Deborah as my anti-type. She spoke for God and on this thread, that's what I do. So if you don't listen to me, you're turning your backs on God himself. Cretins.
On to the prophesying. I haven't had nearly enough to drink to go about this properly so we'll have to muddle through. Now obviously we need a date, so we'll start with my birthday which, this year, the Chinese consider the luckiest date: 09/09/09. And if Jesus coming back isn't the luckiest thing ever, I don't know what is.
Oh, and don't expect to see it when the Man (Son of) is back. It's invisible. Don't worry, I'll let you know he's there.
When Jesus said that "this generation will by no means pass away" he was talking about Star Trek the Next Generation. So the end will come before they stop airing reruns. Or all the actors die, whichever comes last.
I should probably give some kind of medical directive so from this point on there can be no hair transplants. The hair is sacred, otherwise why would the men have to cut it in a particular way and the women have to leave it long to show headship? So it's obviously inappropriate to take hair transplants from someone else or transplant your own hair from another part of your body. Comb-overs are considered grounds for disfellowshipping.
Oh, and the only people going to heaven will be me and whoever buys me a beer.
You can be sure that everything I say is true. Jesus told me so.