Who I am is inconsequential. Where I am is the same. It's safe to say, however, that I am between a rock and a hard place. Or perhaps...a Watchtower and a hard place, more accurately.
I was raised a JW--Mom got baptized same day I turned 4 (in 1986), alleged that 'Satan got to' me because I wanted to do fun stuff on my birthday rather than go to the convention to see her get baptized. I never get over that story, especially given that for many years I tried my hardest to please her and to please God.
Was baptized in 1995, but always stayed above the 'slackers' and below the 'ministerial servants'. Guess that would place me at 'Watchtower reader' level. Pioneered on occasion during summers. Puberty hit, battled against masturbation and my attraction to girls--believed sexual feelings were wrong, even if they were natural. After all, if it can lead to sin, what's the difference? I figured it'd make my world simpler, more black-and-white, to see it that way.
Fell in love with girl around 1996 (which I thought was Satan throwing my first big test at me), but became obsessed with resisting said feelings. Failed to do so and confessed feelings for girl, then girl rejected me in 1997. Hated myself for having feelings for her, and eventually attempted suicide in 1998. Things changed for me after that. I think part of me gave up on it all, but went through the motions anyway, still believing very much in 'the truth' as I knew it, but wondering what the point of it all was.
Went to college--mom was okay with it, being a college graduate herself, but she regrets it now, of course. There, I learned about other religions, found that the Watchtower Society published misleading statements about another religion and was troubled by it. I wanted to leave, but my mom leaned on me and I fell back in line, reprogrammed myself and moved on.
Graduated college, got a job, fell in love with young sister in congregation. We dated for 2.5 months, then she dumped me and quickly found other men interesting. Naive as I was, I fell even deeper for her after she left me. It pained me to see her drifting away. She was DF'd in '05. I defied the elders and continued being her friend in secret for about 4 months, then the elders found out and warned me to stay away from her. Heartbroken, I listened.
She was reinstated in late '08, with a child. Missed her so much. We talked briefly, then elders said we shouldn't talk. She explained to me that she 'wasn't in good standing' and for that reason we shouldn't talk on the phone. Then she was gone again. This destroyed me emotionally. I tried to go on, do field service, etc., but it seemed so pointless. I couldn't understand why our lives were being so controlled without any scriptural basis for doing so.
Thus...my doubts about 1914, which was what started years ago, resurfaced, and soon I found out about the real date of Jerusalem's destruction, and dishonesty in Watchtower scholarship, and...then I read Crisis of Conscience and In Search of Christian Freedom. I was deeply disturbed by the contempt the GB had for us ordinaries. I was especially shocked to see the "this generation" belief being related to the anointed (as Ray Franz said that Albert Shroeder once said)--because that was exactly what just changed last year, yet Crisis of Conscience was updated long before that Watchtower article was released! This confirmed for me the truth of the matter.
It got even worse as I read about cults and mind control and found out how similar JWs are to other groups that use mind control. Soon it was the only thing I could see in the organization, the more talks I heard and articles I read. The older WT articles were particularly unsettling in their content, and as I looked up articles on the CD-ROM, I was shocked to see some of the things being said before 1975 and certainly regarding organ transplants and so on.
But a significant portion of my family is in the organization. I had a choice--leave them behind, or stay on the inside. It was an impossible choice. Believing I could accomplish more good by monitoring this religion, I chose to stay, and live as a double agent (hmm...so I suppose you could call me a J-dub-dub! I made a funny!). So here I am, still wanting to leave, but not feeling free to do so and not feeling sure I can manage life outside the WT.
It sucks. On the plus side, though, I understand more about the Bible now than I ever did as a JW. They give us knowledge of how to find scriptures--to their credit--but some scriptures are misapplied or taken out of context or WT interpretations are placed on top of certain statements. I respect the ordinary JWs who just do the best they can. It is the GB and their agents (Thought Police, AKA 'elders', 'loyalist family members') who I have issue with. Nothing personal--it's just I don't feel comfy giving people unquestioning loyalty and obedience when they would gladly send me to my death without a second thought. Guess it's one of my eccentricities.
Anyway, I've been looking at these various message boards for awhile, and thought I might join the fun, add something insightful, maybe even find friends who share my desire to expose the things that are hidden behind cloaks of authority and deception. Maybe even friends that are my friends unconditionally. Now that would be a surprise.
My passion is writing. But I suffer from low self-esteem, depression, and inability to make sound decisions on my own. My knowledge has increased exponentially since I found out that Palpatine (the GB) is Sidious (has been lying to me from the beginning), so it's been good from that perspective. The book '1984' by George Orwell was particularly enlightening in this regard. If you've not read it, you need to.
So, here's hoping my anonymity remains. If I am compromised, of course, there's always the cyanide (disassociation) pill. In the meantime, I hope to find some support and comfort here in this impossible era.
Small Along the Watchtower,
SD-7
