This one was supposed to be satire, but it seems more like an actual article...the date should hopefully help you realize it's fake, since there are never any "20th" dated issues...
--sd-7
Posts by sd-7
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49Questions From Readers - October 20th, 2010
by sd-7 inwhy are jehovah's witnesses as a whole not permitted to read the elder's manual?.
on the first day of the unfermented cakes, well before his arrest and sacrificial death, jesus christ instructed his disciples on how to prepare for the passover.
when he did so, he did not provide advance, detailed instructions for all of his disciples; instead, he dispatched only two of them to find a suitable location, which he evidently had already planned with the householder.
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29
Loyalty Keeps Us Morally Clean
by sd-7 ina rebellion had begun.
in moses' absence, the israelites built a golden calf and engaged in idolatrous reveling.
the clamor of their immoral festivities was clearly identifiable as improper.
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sd-7
Ah, and the plot sickens...back to the top with ye! And none too soon, for next week, in harmony with this counsel, my wife and I will have been free of the uncleanness of marital intercourse for a whole year! This has helped us greatly to focus more on spiritual matters, leading to rich rewards. How thankful we have been for this timely counsel!
--sd-7
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Future Baby-Mama in a Rage!
by SophieG insosoconfused mentioned this vaguely in his thread and it upset me... i asked him to post where i could find the information, trust me i went looking!
now lets read this:.
http://www.jw.org/en/publications/magazines/w20121215/view-of-in-vitro-fertilization/.
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sd-7
So what about sperm donation?
I nominate sd-7 to write that one up....I'm sure the GB will lift it and print it within 6 months!
Uh oh...did someone say my name? Ah...that's a tall order. I might actually try it, if I wasn't afraid of that exact outcome... Hmm. Not a bad choice for Issue #9 of The Beast-Tower, though for a subject like that, I'd have to change the title of the magazine back to its original name, The Breast-Tower: Helping Adults With Sexual Concerns. Maybe I should try it out, see what happens...I'm in a sick kind of mood today.
--sd-7
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27
JJ Abrams to direct Star Wars Episode VII
by cedars insimultaneously breathing life into the two biggest sci-fi franchises?.
http://news.sky.com/story/1043186/star-wars-episode-vii-new-director-revealed.
as he boldly goes where no director has gone before, may the force be with him!.
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sd-7
But seriously, the thing is, for 22 years, all there was to this series was 3 movies and maybe a couple of cartoons. Now there's only 6 movies, and a cartoon show. Compare that to Star Trek, for instance, which has had 11 movies and 5 TV shows, and that's actually not that much, spread out over 36 years. Neither of those includes the best-selling novels that both series have done. The fact that Star Wars novels consistently still make the best-sellers' list, and the Star Wars cartoon has had good ratings, there's clearly still an interest that probably won't die off unless the movies really suck, and I mean suck really, really badly. The fans are still going to be fans, and lots of 'em. Bringing it back will most certainly be welcome to this little doormat.
--sd-7
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27
JJ Abrams to direct Star Wars Episode VII
by cedars insimultaneously breathing life into the two biggest sci-fi franchises?.
http://news.sky.com/story/1043186/star-wars-episode-vii-new-director-revealed.
as he boldly goes where no director has gone before, may the force be with him!.
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sd-7
Mind you, with the production of the "stand-alones" due to commence around the same time as the next trilogy, isn't there are risk of "overkill" for the franchise?
[In Christopher Walken voice:] "Shame on you. One can never have enough Star Wars. If there's a meaning to my life, that's the meaning."
--sd-7
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Has anyone seen this? The old guys in NY give their thoughts on IN Vitro fertilization
by wha happened? inso giving your fertilized egg to a surrogate is pornia.
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sd-7
I actually did a thread on this subject sometime ago. Apparently it must've been too boring to get your attention:
I'd been wondering after I'd read it, if anyone really had been expelled over this issue. This is like, some newsworthy kind of stuff here.
--sd-7
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Has anyone seen this? The old guys in NY give their thoughts on IN Vitro fertilization
by wha happened? inso giving your fertilized egg to a surrogate is pornia.
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sd-7
Yeah, I was floored when I read that article. This is the most spectacular mindf*** in history:
You can be punished for fornication without ever having had sex.
Look, if I'm goin' down for that, then I might as well get some action on the side, just so I can at least get the pleasure that goes with the charge. I mean, oh, Lawd have merceh...
--sd-7
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42
So...why is taking blood essentially viewed as unforgivable by the WT?
by sd-7 inbeen hearing about this 'grey's anatomy' episode, and while i didn't see it, it brought up a question i wanted to throw out there, albeit a long-winded one, as is my usual nature.. the fact that people would rather die than take blood, as if...if they take it, they're doomed for sure to not make the new system--it doesn't make sense to me.
people both in the organization and the bible stories are forgiven for heinous crimes, murder, adultery, child sacrifice, everything up to and including denying jesus altogether.
(let's not forget child molestation and rape, apparently...) so why does it seem like this one act is presented to jws as one that's never to be forgiven?.
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sd-7
Thanks, TD. Good supporting verses, there. Acts 21:20-28 in particular highlight the mood of the Jews regarding Christianity.
--sd-7
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Children:Become Jehovah's Friend or Else You Die is the Real Message Behind the Innocent Sounding Melody
by frankiespeakin in"gaining jehovah's friendship" song carries what deceptive message with a medocre melody:.
http://www.jw.org/en/bible-teachings/family/children/become-jehovahs-friend/songs/106-gaining-jehovahs-friendship/.
is the jehovah that exists in the minds of the governing body worthy of a childs friendship?
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sd-7
We yearn to be your friend.
Given that death is the alternative, that's kind of a given, isn't it?
Great song, there. I guess when I became a bit cynical of it all, I finally understood...that this is just one big ultimatum. Obey or die. That's generally not a good sign for the friendship in the long term, you know? The big question that lingers in a dynamic like this is...what happens when he finally gets everything he wants from you? Will there be anything left of who you were before? Or will he decide to change the rules again and then kill you for failing to adjust to Theological Twister? Ah...fun stuff.
--sd-7
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Children:Become Jehovah's Friend or Else You Die is the Real Message Behind the Innocent Sounding Melody
by frankiespeakin in"gaining jehovah's friendship" song carries what deceptive message with a medocre melody:.
http://www.jw.org/en/bible-teachings/family/children/become-jehovahs-friend/songs/106-gaining-jehovahs-friendship/.
is the jehovah that exists in the minds of the governing body worthy of a childs friendship?
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sd-7
Of course, like a deranged carjacker holding one hostage, you never knew what little thing might set him off.
Wow. Classic line. "Do we obey the Divine Carjacker today by regularly driving ourselves and our families to meetings, assemblies and all three days of our conventions? Doing so will ensure our survival until the time when the Divine Carjacker tells us to 'stop the car', and thus grants us life by running off into the woods."
All who embrace your Word
...as it is understood by the Governing Body. No matter how much you love the Bible, even the slightest disagreement with them, even thinking Jerusalem was destroyed half a year earlier than they teach, means you have rejected the Word and must be destroyed.
All who have faith in you
...and show it by obeying the Governing Body. To disobey them is to show lack of faith and thus to die...
All who are loyal
....to Jehovah's organization.
all who are just
...in accepting the elders' decisions despite having heard none of the evidence at all in a judicial matter.
Living the truth for you.
Field service, screw education, a decent job, or that movie you were planning to see.
--sd-7