Posts by Heartbreaker

36

I need help in facing our abuser...

by cognac in

jw
friends

the thought of it scares me so much i can't even think straight... just writing this makes my heart race like you wouldn't believe.. i need to face my dad and mom.

my dad abused us, my mom allowed the abuse.

i need to face him with my two older brothers - the ones who got it the worst and who never faced them about it.... i know my mind will go blank so i'm simply going to write out what i have to say and read it to them.

Heartbreaker

Change that to sexual abuse, and I am in your shoes exactly. I am sorry you are going through this, take comfort in the fact that at least you have your siblings. Mine are not supportive of my stance, which albeit is new. They've forgiven and are actually close to our parents now. I'd love to read a follow up on this.

53

New here

by Heartbreaker in

i have no idea what i want to convey in words here on this site, and have surprised myself by even joining at all.

i intended just to read, and get a few pieces of information, and now am a member, and spend many hours looking through posts old and new alike.

i am a current jw, born into it, and lets just say i'm in my thirties, female, and a mom of more than your average kids.

Heartbreaker

Rachel I appreciate again you taking time to reply to me. I was beginning to wonder if anyone had a reply to that! I almost made it a new topic, but wasn't sure where it would belong. I need to use the site more and read around I think.

As far as the birthdays and celebrations, it had come up that the first few days of school my youngest did take the cupcake and eat it, and said that they celebrated....and they will totally celebrate theirs too, but not at home. My husband asked some rather leading questions, which made our child feel as if the answer was the opposite of what they did, so it was wrong. So we talked about it, and the Bday IS coming up here and so I told him that I felt more comfortable looking it up and reasoning, scripturally, and then revisiting the discussion. He wanted to do it right then! So we did, and felt that it was a stretch, and mans opinion to NOT celebrate, but it still felt weird to say that the kids, or we, will or should. I then asked him what it would hurt to let them do what they want, and not make our upbringing be their choice, and when they are older they can decide. What is the harm?

Why hold on to one thing, and not all the teachings?

Is there anyone here that kept "seperate from the world" concerning things, and yet didn't still suscribe to the way of the WT? I feel like if we aren't doing ALL of it, and that's truly wrong, then heck, why say no or limit. My husband says he doesn't feel ready to take that leap. I understand, but I'm always wanting all the discussion and decision and finality sooner rather than later type person ;)

53

New here

by Heartbreaker in

i have no idea what i want to convey in words here on this site, and have surprised myself by even joining at all.

i intended just to read, and get a few pieces of information, and now am a member, and spend many hours looking through posts old and new alike.

i am a current jw, born into it, and lets just say i'm in my thirties, female, and a mom of more than your average kids.

Heartbreaker

Oh shoot, I missed a ton of people on page two! Rachel, thank you for hearing me...really hearing me, and validating what I wrote. It's so nice to not be judged, but rather listened too.

Baba, I'm so sorry that your story is similiar to mine, heck anyones...I wish mine was a singular experience, but I'm finding it's more the norm, but we were all hushed. It's so very sad.

Open Mind....years? Say it ain't so! :D

Lady, Palm, Independant, AWAKE and Hope...thanks for the warm welcome and the hugs and encouragement. I sincerely appreciate it.

Ooompa, I've read some things you've written, and was actually smiling really big when I read your response to me :) Yah! I struck it good with Ooompa! lol

Daniel - Thank you for understanding that.....you are so correct in that the men put in those positions are so ill-equiped to handle ANY issues, and I feel bad for most of them that can admit that they are in over their heads most of the time as well. It's the pompous asses that think they are ABOVE all in the congregation that disgust me...do they need a redefinition of SERVANT? Anyway, I appreciate your kind words.

53

New here

by Heartbreaker in

i have no idea what i want to convey in words here on this site, and have surprised myself by even joining at all.

i intended just to read, and get a few pieces of information, and now am a member, and spend many hours looking through posts old and new alike.

i am a current jw, born into it, and lets just say i'm in my thirties, female, and a mom of more than your average kids.

Heartbreaker

Cantleave - I will consider adding to the Silent Lambs website with my story

Sour Grapes - thanks for the welcome and I'm glad that you see now that it was just a power play, asking questions as an elder, and that you regret it.

Poppers - yes, I can see why you are here, great people!

Jeff - I don't feel I can bring anything into the house yet, as it is I "hide" on another screen name and erase footprints on the computer as it is. My husband told me he didn't care what I looked up, but didn't want me to do it in our home, or discuss things with devout haters of Jah and HIS ORG. I think he was just scared, but until we have another convo about it, I will honor the at least not talking about it, and not bringing in material about it. I wish the local bookstores would carry it, every day I could go there and read a chapter or three. All in good time though, thank you for the advice.

WherewasI...looks like you are new here too....welcome new friend! I hope we both find what we need.

Having addressed most all that responded to my post (if I missed anyone, I'm sorry...thank you for reading and responding!) I am asking another question here...mostly because I am trying to save my last few options to post, still on a limit ;)

Question: So you've let go of the idea of being a JW...you think a lot of what you were taught was brainwashing/numbing repetitive OPINION, and you don't buy it. But you've never celebrated anything other than an anniversary, and can't imagine not feeling like the dog that returns to the vomit by starting doing so. How were you able to justify the switch to doing things as "the world" Specifically birthdays. My kids would really like me to come to terms with that one ;)

12

My Email to a Jw supporter

by AK - Jeff in

he has never been a jw, officially.

i know of people of all religions/faiths/ideas that claim such a thing.

this we know is real.

Heartbreaker

Thoroughly enjoyed the read Jeff...thanks for sharing that.

53

New here

by Heartbreaker in

i have no idea what i want to convey in words here on this site, and have surprised myself by even joining at all.

i intended just to read, and get a few pieces of information, and now am a member, and spend many hours looking through posts old and new alike.

i am a current jw, born into it, and lets just say i'm in my thirties, female, and a mom of more than your average kids.

Heartbreaker

You sound like you are in incredible pain. Have you considered finding a (good) therapist? Chemical/alcoholic painblotting is only going to do you harm,

Cade, I appreciate your concern, but I may have raised flags that are unwarranted. If a JW picked up a cigarette and smoked it willfully and knowingly, and was caught and not sorry, they'd be dealt with in the cong, yes? My story is similiar, but not cigarettes, in fact less harmful IMO, and it's only occasionally when my headaches are too severe. Just think, if I had cancer it'd be legal ;) That's all I will say about that. I am very present for my kids, trust that, they are my first priority :)

Thank you everyone for at least acknowledging that you read my words, and lookie there, I didn't burst into flames ;)

Here's another question (and thanks for the links on jwfacts etc!) Did anyone have this urge to out themselves just to see if there were ones here that know them personally? It's all I can do to fight that urge. Well, since my fade was accelerated to a flat abduction quality disappearance at the hall, I've alerted everyone and their cousin and the phone is aringing night and day. Maybe the annonomous thing will take care of itself soon enough, as they are more than willing to fish out anyone new to DF from the stage.

53

New here

by Heartbreaker in

i have no idea what i want to convey in words here on this site, and have surprised myself by even joining at all.

i intended just to read, and get a few pieces of information, and now am a member, and spend many hours looking through posts old and new alike.

i am a current jw, born into it, and lets just say i'm in my thirties, female, and a mom of more than your average kids.

Heartbreaker

You know Jamie, I have no idea where he moved to, I was literally SICK after I found they moved. They were the type to have kids parties, and always wanted to "babysit" etc for people in the hall...they had no children. I wish I knew. I do however know that in the 7-8 surrounding congregations at least one person in each hall that was molested by a member of the hall. Part of the reason my husband is so willing to be done with it all is I recently started having strange flashbacks, and such, remembering my past....so I started retelling some of my story, and my best friends stories etc, and he was just furious and sick at it all. Said he has no desire to be around sickos like that. I just wonder what rock HE lived under? I thought everyone knew stuff like this from the halls, and just didn't talk about it. Sounds just like a victimized person, doesn't it?

53

New here

by Heartbreaker in

i have no idea what i want to convey in words here on this site, and have surprised myself by even joining at all.

i intended just to read, and get a few pieces of information, and now am a member, and spend many hours looking through posts old and new alike.

i am a current jw, born into it, and lets just say i'm in my thirties, female, and a mom of more than your average kids.

Heartbreaker

Thank you Leaving, and Jeff for your welcoming posts :) I will continue to read here, and look for things that confirm what I feel itching inside. I haven't even begun to tell my story, and still am here in cloak and dagger because of my husband. He doesn't want me looking at anything, for him walking away is good enough. I need information and confirmation. Validation. I'm realizing now that the only one that can validate me in my thinking is myself.

PS. I haven't prayed in 2 years. I just can't, it feels canned, fake, and unheard. Anyone else have this feeling?

53

New here

by Heartbreaker in

i have no idea what i want to convey in words here on this site, and have surprised myself by even joining at all.

i intended just to read, and get a few pieces of information, and now am a member, and spend many hours looking through posts old and new alike.

i am a current jw, born into it, and lets just say i'm in my thirties, female, and a mom of more than your average kids.

Heartbreaker

Thank you poppers. What's the draw in being here if you've never been a JW I wonder?

53

New here

by Heartbreaker in

i have no idea what i want to convey in words here on this site, and have surprised myself by even joining at all.

i intended just to read, and get a few pieces of information, and now am a member, and spend many hours looking through posts old and new alike.

i am a current jw, born into it, and lets just say i'm in my thirties, female, and a mom of more than your average kids.

Heartbreaker

I have no idea what I want to convey in words here on this site, and have surprised myself by even joining at all. I intended just to read, and get a few pieces of information, and now am a member, and spend many hours looking through posts old and new alike. I am a current JW, born into it, and lets just say I'm in my thirties, female, and a mom of more than your average kids. I hesitate giving too much information, but then I don't really care if I'm DF'd, really. I started engaging in "wrongdoing" lol, have horrible pain and knew that a certain substance would lessen the discomfort (and I was right) and also knew that by deciding to do that, if anyone found out I'd be DF'd, and it just seemed so obsurd. Then I found out a person in my hall was suffering from some residual effects of being molested, and I started to reflect back on the past, my life and others, and I felt like a lightbulb went off in my head. I felt such tremendous guilt for even thinking those things, and was downright terrified to put in EX Jehovah's Witnesses in a seach bar. Of course we are all taught that the only information that's not apostate, or Satanic is from the WT itself. Go to the WT itself and it's rinse and repeat, same ole info. Wait on Jehovah, forgive and don't hold grudges. Don't ask too many questions. I've just had enough.

I've had Committees formed for three separate matters within the last 5 years, and each and every time they blundered the hell out of it, and I was just appalled. Of course they all say that they are just imperfect men, and how Jehovah will fix it, etc....but that's not good enough. How insulting to the Most Powerful Jehovah that he would just have to sit back, hands tied, and unable right now to protect his name, his people. How can they make him out to be so formidable, and so always present, and then in the same breath make him seem like an incapable imbecile that needs imperfect people to exact his rulings and judgements.

I was DF'd once before, and was interrogated as far back as when I was a teen on my "history of sexuality" and sinning against Jehovah. Never mention the fact that possible I was so willing to engage in those things because of molestation in the household? Nah, it's my fault. I should have had better control over myself.

I had a meeting with the BOE and was told that even though there WERE two witnesses to some jackass pervert brother that there was little they could do. They said if I persisted in talking about this instance (there were over 5 instances actually, and a LOT of him leering and generally making us all uncomfortable) that my attitude could result in my being disfellowshipped. I doubt the "brother" was threatened that because before it was all said and done he was given free leeway for at least 7 months before the committee met, he was allowed to cousel US from the bible during one of these meetings...seriously, he was allowed to quote scripture about how Jesus always drew the little children to him, and compared that to touching my child! He eventually skittered away to some unsuspecting congregation before it was a matter of record. Poor them, I consider that to be of my major regrets. I was overwhelmed with lifes responsibilities and so wanted to be the one right in the eyes of Jehovah, I should have fought harder to ensure it, but it was so difficult to downright impossible. I hope he's not harming any little children.

The last instance is too personal, and I feel like I've said too much already.

I had a dream where my husband who is more in the camp of "I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to go back, I can't believe those hypocrites etc, but I don't want to dog the Org or JAH" asked me, in this dream, so what concrete evidence do you have that it's NOT the truth, or the org doesn't have it right...and he pulled the biggie in real life...well WHO IS his people then?

I don't want to sound like a loon and start quoting things from years ago, or information that isn't on the up and up...but I feel like I need to make a defense for myself more than it just feels wrong. Any help?

Daughter of two JWs, sister of JWs, married to a JW, inlaws are all JWs, extended family JWs....I have no one in the world, and about to lose everyone in "the truth". Scared and lost feeling, but also so very calm and peaceful at the same time.