Posts by Jankyn

10

I received the answer to my question

by JustTickledPink in

jw
friends

yesterday i had a conversation which i mentioned on another thread but will detail more here.. i left the jws when i was about 19 and drifted and was df'd 5 years ago.

i'm now 30. my issue always has been and still to this day was the fact that my mother basically disowned me.

that has been an extremely difficult concept/doctrine for me to accept.

Jankyn

Yep, that's the key, JustTickledPink.

It's been kinda scary for me to recognize how much like my mother I am. I share with her the belief that, when I know something to be true, I must act on it. We just disagree about what's true.

I recently had the revelation (while working with my therapist) that the source of my troubles with my mother is that we've both been trying to convert each other. I'm now working on changing my behavior, since I can't change hers. And things seem to be getting a bit more peaceful.

I actually told her, during one recent conversation, that I could love and respect her without seeing things the same way. I think it knocked her socks off--she really didn't expect that. Her concern is that, with her health so poor, if she's unable to make decisions for herself, my "unbelieving" brothers and I will do things that violate her beliefs. I told her that I respect her beliefs, and that she should give a medical power of attorney to my JW aunt--that if she took that step to make her wishes clear, I'd fight with all I've got to support her, in spite of the fact that I disagree with her. Then I sent her some information about how to do that.

Wow. Things really change when I change. What a concept.

Jankyn

48

If you love me, wish me a HAPPY BIRTHDAY

by LDH in

jw
friends

i have a picture but i don't know how to post it?!?!?.

my hubby and daughter bought me great gifts, and the three year old helped me blow out the candles and open the packages.. i am eating dicicco's pizza, my b'day dinner of choice!.

lisa

Jankyn

Happy birthday!

Jankyn

26

For those of us with active JW parents

by JustTickledPink in

jw
friends

there seem to a commonality around here about active jw parents shunning us.. my question is: if your parents weren't a jw, do you think they would be normal, act kindly, be a real parent to you?

or would they still be cold and callused towards you, controlling, etc.

my thought is this, so many times i used to think i wish my mom wasn't a jw because then i thought she would be this wonderful caring mother that i could go to lunch with, share shopping days with, recipes, and we'd be close.

Jankyn

JTP,

I actually got some emotional relief when I realized that being a JW was not the sole source of my mother's problems. Hard to explain, but I think that, even were she to free herself from the Borg, she'd still be a pessimistic, depressed, manipulative person with low self-esteem.

I think the JW teachings just exacerbate her underlying problems.

And I also think that it's the basic problems in my entire family--alcoholism, depression, low self-esteem, long history of family violence--that attracted them to the teachings of the JWs back in the '40s. They were predisposed, by their own dysfunction, to find that way of thinking attractive. And of course, the JWs just keep confirming them in their behavior.

At least I've gotten free, as have my brothers.

Jankyn

37

Who here still finds it hard to celebrate Christmas?

by dh in

jw
friends

i was raised a jw and as i've probably said before, i left when i was around 18... i'll be 27 in a few days, and as i get older realise how i do not really know how to celebrate anything.

being raised a jw we never had xmas or birthdays (or any celebration), and since none of the friends i had when i left the jw's were christian either, i have to this day never celebrated it... i am not christian and will openly admit that i couldn't care less about the religious side of christmas, but what i see around me, everywhere in the world are people who aren't really christian either, celebrating christmas, either for kids or friends or whatever, but i've never done that or had anyone around me to do that with... people look forward to this time of year so much, they buzz and rush around like it's a real event, and to this day i've never been able to feel that way.

most of my christmas/birthdays since leaving jw's have been spent by myself, completely devoid of celebration, i want to get into that feel good spirit, but i don't know how, and if i try to fake it, i know it is fake.

Jankyn

I always find myself hanging out on this board a bit more frequently during the holidays, mostly because it's full of people who, like me, have all the weird JW baggage associated with the holidays. It helps to be understood. And I still carry the feeling that I'm an outsider; that I'm celebrating something that belongs to them, not to me.

Like Mulan, I stick with the thoroughly non-religious decorations and Xmas card designs. For some reason, I'm more emotionally comfortable with celebrating a "pagan" holiday than with the possibility of celebrating a holiday based in "false religion." Weird, huh?

It's taken me more than 20 years--and a patient partner--to get past the idea that Xmas gifts must be "useful." The idea of giving something frivolous, interesting, or merely fun was completely foreign to me, and one I resisted. I finally saw that I was giving the kind of gifts I'd always gotten as a child--You remember, the "we give gifts year-round" thing that meant every time you got new socks or underwear or shoes, you had to count it as a "gift." This year, we gave a bunch of "Govenator" gear to the relatives in Iowa, who think it's a hoot that our governor is a former action hero. My favorite was a T-shirt for my brother-in-law that says "My governor can kick your governor's butt!" Completely useless, but good for a laugh.

Yeah, I still feel weird about celebrating Xmas. And there's a lot I don't understand about why certain aspects of Xmas are important to my partner. But I just go along, and trust that someone who's been celebrating it for a lifetime knows a thing or two.

I have carved my own niche as chief fudge-maker, though. I put out about 12 pounds of peanut butter-chocolate double-decker fudge yesterday--gifts for the neighbors and work mates.

Life is good.

Jankyn

12

What? He's not in the truth???!!!!

by gerbils in

jw
friends

2 1/2 years ago i met my non-jw boyfriend, and i received a shepherding call from two lovely elders who told me that i was mixing good with evil, and didn't i know the man i loved was going to die at armaggedon?

they left me in tears...not as though i left my boyfriend of course.

i've made sure that things like that don't get to me anymore.

Jankyn

Well, my mother told me that I'd have to "bear the blood guilt before Jehovah" for my partner's life, because as long as she's in a relationship with me, "she'll never listen to the Truth."

Sick.

Jankyn

23

I finally said enough is enough (shunning)

by Fleur in

jw
friends

i did what i was asked.

all these weeks, i did all my mother asked when it came to dealing with the matters at hand for her.

i'm nothing, if not loyal.. so over the weekend, when mother called for us to please come and deal with my relatives coming to the house to pick up boxes of my grandmother's belongings.

Jankyn

((((Essie))))

I happen to think that's a giant step forward, and I say that knowing how very hard it is to take that step.

The abused child, the battered wife, and the shunned ex-JW all have in common the psychologically devastating, damaged internal voice that tells them they must participate in their own abuse. To heal from that wound, to stand up and refuse to allow the abuse to continue, is an act of monumental courage--and an affirmation of life.

Bless your heart, Essie. It's a long road, and you've been traveling it with grace and dignity.

Love,

Jankyn

17

SCORE = 11 US, 8 THEM

by bikerchic in

jw
friends

i added up all the imediate members of my family who have left the b'org and more have left then remain.

this was promped by a conversation i had lastnight with my son who told me about a jw kid from his past got in contact with him out of the blue and she was telling him how many in her family were now df'ed and never planning on returning.

we were really surprised because she was an elder's daughter and one of the last people you would think would leave.. so what is your family score?

Jankyn

Immediate family: 3 out (including me), 1 half-in, 1 in (but it's Mom, and she's a juggernaut).

Including aunts, uncles and cousins: 11 out, 3 half-in, 3 in.

Actually, that makes me feel pretty good. The only drawback is that the 3 who are in are very vocal, judgmental, and manipulative. But I have hope.

Jankyn

14

Author Claims Abraham Lincoln was Gay

by Kenneson in

jw
friends

there's a new book coming out next year, "intimate world of abraham lincoln," by dr. c.a.

tripp which claims that abraham lincoln was gay.

he asserts that lincoln was predominantly homosexual and only incidentally heterosexual.

Jankyn

There's nothing new about this claim. The first time I came across it was in the late '70s--Jonathan Katz, Gay American History.

Other posters are right that the evidence is ambiguous, and even if we could talk to Lincoln, he undoubtedly wouldn't describe himself as "gay," not because there's anything wrong with it (to quote Seinfeld), but because that's not the way that 19th century Americans understood sexuality.

It would be absolutely correct to say that Lincoln had deep and important emotional relationships with other men--see 'We Are Lincoln Men': Abraham Lincoln and His Friends, by David Herbert Donald. To describe those relationships--even if they involved some level of physical/sexual intimacy, as gay, is imposing 20th-21st century understandings of sexuality on 19th century people.

One thing that most historians agree on: Mary Todd Lincoln was most definitely not the great love of Lincoln's life; his most widely reported and intense romance was with a woman who died before he ever met Mary Todd.

Jankyn

23

"You'll still be handled as a disfellowshipped person."

by Fleur in

jw
friends

that was the response that i got from a relative when i asked if they would shun me if i came to my grandmother's memorial service.. the same relative thinks that i should go, despite that because it's a public event but that if i did i should realize that i'd still be handled as a df'd person.

meaning, they would all shun me.. i have for days been trying to help this relative arrange my grandmother's burial with another relative who has refused to sign necessary papers.

i even offered to pay for said burial out of my own pocket if money were an issue.

Jankyn

Dear Essie,

I don't know what to tell you about going to the service. It may cause more pain than it's worth.

I decided not to attend the funeral of my favorite aunt last spring. I sent flowers so that the family would know I was not ignoring it. Then, later, I went to her grave with some candles and my partner, shared some memories (my partner had never met her), and wished her well on her journey. It worked for me. I still see her in dreams, and I know that she's no longer bound by the human prejudices and ignorance that her religious beliefs crippled her with.

I'm in a place now where I'm trying to avoid unnecessarily putting myself in a position to be hurt any further. I guess I just need to stop assisting them in their abuse of me. I tried setting boundaries (with the help of my therapist), but boundaries only work if the other parties respect them. My JW relatives don't respect them--they simply cannot restrain themselves from saying hurtful things, even after I've told them to stop. So I stay away. They attribute my absence to shame; they're wrong. What else is new? They're wrong about so much, I don't even know where to start!

You, your husband, and your sweet little girl are in my thoughts as you go through this rough patch on your journey. You are not alone (obviously! look at all these posts!), and you are very loved.

Jankyn

21

EVERYONE LOOK! I NEED YOUR SUPPORT!

by MelbaToast in

jw
friends

ok now that i've got your attention :) .

i am currently writing a psych paper, and i decided my topic is going to be jw's and the higher percentage of mental illness in the organization( in not so many words) i have been doing hella research in medical journals, and i would like to pose a request to anyone out there that has information on this subject to pm me or attach it to your response.

i would really appreciate it, and btw, if would be even better if this was from a peer-reviewed journal, because i have already searched all the sites and got the research from freeminds, watchtowerobserver, and sites such as this.

Jankyn

Here's what my shrink told me yesterday: I may not have been "hard-wired" from birth to be depressed, but a childhood that included the excessive stress and abuse of my Witless upbringing could certainly chemically "re-wire" a developing brain to cause depression. The brain has chemical reactions to the environment; JWs deliberately create a stressful and abusive (self-esteem denying, at the minimum) environment; what follows next is a bunch of mentally ill people. In my case, it really wasn't my fault. I left as soon as I was old enough to leave. Now if I could just bill them for all the mental health costs I've incurred trying to recover.

Interestingly enough, this shrink does a lot of work with the local school district. He told me that the only children (6-12 year olds) he's ever seen with clinical depression who do NOT have alcoholic/drug addicted parents were the children of Jehovah's Witnesses. Hmmmm...being a JW does the same kind of damage to your children that being a drunk and a junkie does? That would be an interesting study.

Jankyn