I thank whomever origionally wrote that. It is brilliant and should be read by all fundamentalists.
jayhawk1
JoinedPosts by jayhawk1
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31
Belief Poll : Please Indulge Me
by Morocco injust sort of curious about this, i know it has probably been done a gazillion times but let me do it again.
1.do you believe in a personal god who takes interest in you as an individual?
2.do you believe that the bible was written by god?
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31
Belief Poll : Please Indulge Me
by Morocco injust sort of curious about this, i know it has probably been done a gazillion times but let me do it again.
1.do you believe in a personal god who takes interest in you as an individual?
2.do you believe that the bible was written by god?
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jayhawk1
1.Do you believe in a personal God who takes interest in you as an individual?
Yes, his name is Hank.
2.Do you believe that the Bible was written by God?Not sure.
3.Do you believe the Bible is error free and is always harmonious?Not sure.
4.Why do you believe these things?Because Karl said so.
Kiss Hank's Ass Story...
This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:
John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"
John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."
Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His ass."
Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"
Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"
Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."
Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"
John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."
Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"
Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you."
Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"
John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."
Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"
Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."
Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"
John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"
Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit out of you."
Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."
Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
Me: "Then how do you kiss His ass?"
John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."
Me: "Who's Karl?"
Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"
John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."
From the Desk of Karl
- Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
- Use alcohol in moderation.
- Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
- Eat right.
- Hank dictated this list Himself.
- The moon is made of green cheese.
- Everything Hank says is right.
- Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
- Don't use alcohol.
- Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
- Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.
Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."
Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."
Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."
John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."
Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."
Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"
Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
Me: "How do you figure that?"
Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"
Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."
Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."
John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."
Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."
John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"
Me: "We do?"
Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."
Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"
John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."
Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"
Mary: She blushes.
John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."
Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"
John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"
Mary: She looks positively stricken.
John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"
Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."
John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."
Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."
Mary: She faints.
John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."
With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.
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'Fess up--which one of you sent me this for Christmas?
by rebel8 inhttp://www.knitty.com/issuewinter04/pattwomb.html.
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jayhawk1
Wow, I wish I had come up with that. I don't care who you are, that's funny.
It makes me wonder how bored somebody has to be to knit the first uterus doll.
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UPDATE!: THEY ALL ADMITTED EGGING US -Elders now know, heads are rolling!!
by Lady Liberty inoh.... how the saga goes on!!
i swear we could write a novel about our life exiting the watchtower!!
ok..many of you read what happened..our house was egged and so was my sisters car that was parked here, and "frosty" was attacked!!
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jayhawk1
These men should be banned from civilization just like God did Cain.
God, "Where's Frosty?"
JW Idiots, "We have no idea."
God, "The water of Frosty cries out from the ground."
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Angelic DNA
by Woodsman inin considering the wts beliefs about the angels who came down and had sex with women, producing offspring i began to wonder.
this would mean that angels have the abilility to create a human life without god's help.
both by creating a human body and taking possesion of it and by then using that body to create offspring.. this whole business of materializing is suspicious.
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jayhawk1
I believe most Biblical stories are just stories. But I wonder if as is the case with many stories there was something that sparked the telling of it in the first place.
I too wonder if there isn't something more than just a legend to these stories. One possibility not mentioned is these angels was aliens from another planet who selected human women as mates. The problem with that is why didn't the aliens have women that human men got with? Another problem is if there was an alien culture that visited thousands of years ago, why haven't they been back? Or why aren't they still here?
Sometimes myths are myths and lengends are legends.
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American Economy Going Strong ! Thank God !
by DebSmithLopez inmust be god's blessing.. stock market is up triple digits in spite of the new, democratically-controlled, congress.. .
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jayhawk1
Frozen One,
That gives me hope. Thanks for posting. I'm glad this nation woke up and got some Democrats in office to balance the power again. The legislature has behaved like a puppet for Bush since he took office.
While I, along with many other members of Congress, will call for greater oversight of the Bush administration in the next two years, there is no need to panic about the SPP. When Democrats become the majority party in the 110th Congress, rest assured that my colleagues and I will do our level best to reestablish Congress as an equal partner in this nation's governance.
Zeroday, I'm still waiting for you to post a real rebuttal. Clearly you do not have one. Just because you are single, and you worked all your life and you put a huge portion of your money in stocks doesn't mean anything if the value of your money continues to fall.
The US Dollar is worth far less than in recent years and I have yet to see you put forth any information that proves this trend false. Also, it does not matter if the world never runs out of fuel for trucks if your money has so little value that our cost is too high. Fuel prices remain high, not because of what they charge, because of how much more money it takes to buy the same amount. Here's some simple economics, if the Dollar is worth 30% less, that means it would take 30% more Dollars to buy the same amount of fuel. Meanwhile nobody's wages increased by 30%.
Furthermore, how much your stock portfolio will be worth should the Amero become real money one day?
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I don't know what to make of this one
by truthsetsonefree incheck out this email i got from a jw today: .
the recall of all humans .
the maker of human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary central component, or heart.
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jayhawk1
"Subsequent Internal Non-morality," or more commonly known as S-I-N,
So all who don't attend meetings are immoral? Aren't they just high and mighty.
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What MAKES people become JWs----more then anything else?
by new boy inits easy.......................its jws having sex with other jws..................its not people coming in from the field service!
(most people are way to smart for that).
how many people here................ come to this "faith" from the "door to door" work?.
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jayhawk1
And these aren't some obnoxious, crass, or obstinate people. These are people who are very kind, decent, loving, and law-abiding.
Isn't it amazing the "Worldly People" don't act anything like Watchtower would have their followers believe.
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What MAKES people become JWs----more then anything else?
by new boy inits easy.......................its jws having sex with other jws..................its not people coming in from the field service!
(most people are way to smart for that).
how many people here................ come to this "faith" from the "door to door" work?.
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jayhawk1
Zerbagian welcome, I like the avitar.
The field service and publications are not really for getting new converts these days. They are for keeping the members they already have. Look at some of the recent articles on what to do if somebody leaves, wives obeying the men and so on. So yes, having sex is how Watchtower gets new JWs.
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Will Jehovah's Witnesses ever form a SECT?
by Fisherman inunlike all other religions including jews, mormons, and sda, there is only one jw movement.
indivuduals that leave the wts cannot organize another jw like religion.
i think that another jw religion would get the wts very angry.
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jayhawk1
A sect forming from Watchtower would be difficult indeed. With the shunning that happens as a member leaves prevents many from following. So without communication to other followers, how would one spread the message. It could be argued that nearly happened in the 1980s when there was a pocket of people that held meetings seperate from the structured Bethel meetings in New York. So what happened? The group was disbanded and Watchtower made it clear to the elders throughout the world to make certain publishers did not meet in large groups aside from official structured meetings.
But then you must consider what Watchtower really is. They are a book publishing company with a select targeted audience, disguised as a religion. Without the constant flow of new books, magazines and special tracts, where would this sect build from? Sure they could just use the bible and other scholarly materials, but then they would realize they are not Jehovah's Witnesses and would not want to be anything like Jehovah's Witnesses.
Just a hypothesis...