The WTS is fixated with the notion that there is one religious truth only, and that they have it. Good on you for thinking deeper about it and coming to your own conclusions.
The Franz books made such a difference for many of us here at JWN, including my wife and I. It rips the veil away from the mystique surrounding the organisation, the "faithful slave class" and the Governing Body, exposing them as a high-control religion based on human interpretations of the Bible and nothing more.
I found it rewarding to delve into the origins of the WTS beliefs on Bible chronology. A book called "Counting the Days to Armageddon" by Richard Crompton dissects the belief, looking at how, piece by piece, it was assembled -- and once you see it broken down like that, the sheer nonsense of it all is plain to see. Yet 99 per cent of JWs never stop to examine it. They just accept it as a truth. Just as I did while I was "in".
I think being a JW adds to depression and mental illness, and thinking back to the people in the congregations I was in, I recognise deep depression in so many of them, much of it rooted in feelings of low self-esteem, worthlessness and failure. As well as a (possibly unconscious?) feeling that they have no control over their lives and are trapped in a lifestyle.
Once I left the organisation, I thought less and less about religion, and I know the same thing has happened to several other ex-JWs I've met (some of them through JWN). While "in" we think our lives are centered around God and the Bible, but once we stop going to meetings we realise how little we actually are interested in either. I still believe in God, though the concept is now a lot hazier, because the Bible creates a lot of confusing and contradictory images. And if there is a God, maybe that's the way he wants it.
All the best with your life. It is so sad to think of how you were planning to end your life. I'm so happy you're still here.
