I've got to agree with top-shelf liqueurs being a good gift for a guy, although I'm still trying to convince my wife of that. Guys will usually get decent booze for themselves, but rarely will we spring for the really good stuff when we're buying for ourselves. Plus it's usually something that gets kept for special occasions. For example, I got a bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue as a gift awhile back and it only gets pulled out for really important evenings with very good friends.
corpusdei
JoinedPosts by corpusdei
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So Men tell me
by Lady Lee inwhat do you like as a gift?
i have absolutely no idea what to make or give my son-in-law for his birthday or for christmas.
he has all the newest gadgets which i could not afford anyways so i am stumped.. gotta be inexpensive (on a strict budget) and if i can make it all the better.
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Time for some wiseassery - YPA 12/12: What is a real man?
by corpusdei ini got distracted by borderlands 2 for awhile, but this was just too good to pass up.
another ypa article just begging for some kind soul to put it in perspective with liberal amounts of sarcasm, snarkiness, and general wiseassery.
i've had to learn on my own what it means to be a real man.".
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corpusdei
I got distracted by Borderlands 2 for awhile, but this was just too good to pass up. Another YPA article just begging for some kind soul to put it in perspective with liberal amounts of sarcasm, snarkiness, and general wiseassery. Hope you enjoy (and there's more here if you do)
YOUNG PEOPLE ASK
What is a real man?
"My father died when I was three years old. Sometimes I feel envious of boys who grew up with a father in their life. They seem to be a lot more confident than I am."-Alex.*
*Some names in this article have been changed.I'm going to go out on a limb and say that some realities in this article have been changed as well. No reason, just sayin."My relationship with my father is minimal. I've had to learn on my own what it means to be a real man."
-Jonathan.
Come on, admit it. You want to say that he learned how to be a real man off THE INTERNET, don't you. And then he grew up to become a sex-crazed, drug addicted ATHEIST! Admit it. You really want to go there.CAN you relate to the statements of the young men quoted above?
Sorry, my father was killed by a roving band of pirate clowns and my mother is a Jehovah's Witness. That's why I've become an atheist with a phobia of carnivals. You know who my dad is? A concrete block that I adopted and named "Papa". So no, I can't really relate, and thanks sooooooo much for reopening that old wound. I really appreciate it.Do you fear, for one reason or another, that you'll never learn what it means to be a real man? If so, don't despair!
Not as much as I'm afraid of clowns.Consider how you can overcome two common challenges.
Are these challenges hosted by Chef Ramsay? Because I'd rock at that blind taste test thing...CHALLENGE 1: Popular misconceptions about manhood
Actually, there is a popular misconception about my manhood that I'd like to clear up. Legend has it that I have a 19 inch prehensile member that I use to hold my coffee while I type. That's entirely untrue. I actually drink tea.What some people say:
-Real men are tough; they don't cry.
So sayeth Chuck Norris (Walker, Texas Ranger).-Real men don't let anyone tell them what to do.So sayeth Clint Eastwood. (Dirty Harry)
-Men are better than women.So sayeth the Apostle Paul. (1 Tim. 2:11-12)
Another way to look at it: Manhood is the opposite of boyhood-not the opposite of womanhood. You become a real man when you leave behind the traits of a child. The Christian apostle Paul wrote: "When I was a babe, I used to speak as a babe, to think as a babe, to reason as a babe; but now that I have become a man, I have done away with the traits of a babe." (1 Corinthians 13:11) In other words, the more you replace childish ways of thinking, speaking, and acting with mature ways of thinking, speaking, and acting, the more you prove yourself to be a real man.*
* See the box "Boy Versus Man."When I was a kid I used to believe in imaginary friends, but now that I've become an adult, I have done away with foolish things and, you know, started to think rationally...Try this: On a sheet of paper, write down your answers to the following questions:
1. In what areas have I already made progress in putting away "the traits of a babe"?Like I said, one big thing was deciding that it didn't make much sense to make my decisions based on a 2000 year old+ collection of mythology.
2. In what areas can I improve?I could become an astronaut. Or a pirate. Or a pirate astronaut, that'd show those clown bastards.
Suggested reading: Luke 7:36-50. See how Jesus proved himself to be a real man by (1) standing up for what was right and (2) treating others-including women-with respect.
Really entertaining account there in Luke. Jesus goes to dinner at the house of a Pharisee. As he's digging in, a prostitute wanders in, cries on his feet, wipes them off with her hair, kisses them and then slathers them in perfumed oil. This wasn't someone that was invited to dinner, mind you, just some hooker that barges in off the street. As this is going on, the Pharisee is thinking to himself "Doesn't Jesus know that this chick bangs guys for cash?" That's the issue in his mind. Not the fact that some local call girl just crashed the party and started sobbing on the feet of his guest of honor, it's the fact that Jesus doesn't seem to mind. Apparently prostitutes wandering in off the street wasn't that uncommon. That's what you call a party town."I admire my friend, Ken. He is a strong man - physically, emotionally, and spiritually - but also a kind man. His example has taught me that a real man doesn't put other people down just to raise himself up."-Jonathan.
Read that again and then let's look at the behavior of Our Father (capital letters) and see how God behaves in that arena (And this is just in one book of the bible):Exod. 12:12 - And I must pass through the land of Egypt on this night and strike every firstborn in the land of Egypt, from man to beast; and on all the gods of Egypt I shall execute judgments. I am Jehovah.
Exod. 15:11 - Who among the gods is like you, O Jehovah? Who is like you, proving yourself mighty in holiness? The One to be feared with songs of praise, the One doing marvels.
Exod. 20:2-3 - "I am Jehovah your God, who have brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slaves. You must not have any other gods against my face
CHALLENGE 2: Lack of a wholesome father figureThink what it'd be like to have a father that embodied the aspects of Jehovah. Killing the firstborn of Egypt, burning people alive because they believe in other gods ... it'd be like your Dad being Conan the Barbarian. On speed and PCP.
"Hey Dad, what are we going to do this afternoon?"
"Well, son, we're going to crush our enemies, see them driven before us and hear the lamentations of their women. Then we're going fishing."What some people say:
-If your father isn't in the picture, you'll never really learn what it means to be a man.It's important to have a good father figure. Like Timothy - he had Paul, and who wouldn't want an apostle as a father figure? Possibly someone who doesn't want your apostle father figure grabbing your junk and circumcising you before sending you off to preach to the heathens. You know what, my concrete block Papa is a lot less overbearing.
-If your father set a poor example, you're doomed to repeat his mistakes.I'm too lazy to check to see if there's any evidence that Timothy included free circumcisions in his preaching mission, but I wouldn't be surprised. Imagine that revival tent.
Another way to look at it: Even if you've had a less-than-ideal childhood, you are not doomed to fail! You can rise above your circumstances. (2 Corinthians 10:4) You can choose to follow King David's advice to his son Solomon: "Be strong and prove yourself to be a man."-1 Kings 2:2.Wow. David and Solomon? Really? You're holding up the advice of a murdering philanderer to his son, the polygamist tyrant?
Admittedly, it can be difficult to grow up with an inattentive father-or no father at all. "Not knowing your father is a huge disadvantage in life," says Alex, quoted at the outset. "I'm 25, but I feel as if I'm just now learning things that I should have learned in my early teens." If you feel similar to the way Alex does, what can you do about it?I donno, be really embarrassed that you're confessing this sort of thing to a total stranger, maybe?
Try this: Find a mentor-someone who sets a good example as a man.* Ask him which qualities he believes are especially important in a real man. Then ask him how you can develop those qualities in yourself.-Proverbs 1:5.
* Elders in the Christian congregation can be good mentors.
The elders in my old congregation included a self-righteous lawyer who was convinced he was one of the Anointed, a jackass who was only interested in putting people down, and an old guy who couldn't remember your name half the time. Thanks, but I'll pass and stick with my concrete block for now.Suggested reading: Proverbs chapters 1-9. Notice the fatherly advice that can help a boy to grow into a wise, spiritual man.Here's a great quote from that: "The fear of Jehovah is the beginning of knowledge". Sounds a lot better than "Research, analyze, and apply critical thought" doesn't it.
"I'm proud of the man I'm becoming. Although I wish my father had been a part of my progress, I'm optimistic about the future. I'm convinced that I am not doomed to fail." - Jonathan.
Jonathan, I hope your father wasn't killed by clowns too, but if he was than look me up and I'll buy you a beer.Ian - Being a man means not only that you carry yourself in a masculine way but also that you're willing to work hard, control your emotions, and take responsibility for your actions.I'll let you in on a little secret. It also means that you can drink and buy porn, which is awesome.
BOY VERSUS MAN
A child can often be ...
- rude.
- self-centered.
- focused on having fun.
- ruled by his emotions.Not to mention that they smell like old cabbage. All of which goes into why I have pets instead.A real man endeavors to be . . .
- respectful. - Romans 12:10.
- self-sacrificing. - 1 Corinthians 10:24.
- responsible. - Galatians 6:5.
- in control of his emotions. - Proverbs 16:32.Two words. Beer. Porn. Best parts of being a man. They almost make you forget about the whole taxes thing.WHY NOT ASK YOUR PARENTS?
What, do you think, defines a real man? How am I doing when it comes to maturity?I wish I could, but the clowns...oh god the clowns...WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?
A NOTE TO PARENTS
FATHERS - To a large extent, your son will base his definition of what it means to be a man on your example. If you treat your wife with respect, you are teaching your son to treat women with respect. If you work hard to provide for your family-even if doing so requires doing menial or tiring work-you are teaching your son to work hard and to be responsible.-1 Timothy 5:8.
Perhaps your relationship with your own father was less than ideal. Maybe your father didn't have a good relationship with his father. But remember: You have a chance to break the cycle. Don't waste that opportunity! Choose to stay close to your son. Set a good example for him, and he may well grow up to be a real man-a man whom you will be proud to call your son.-Proverbs 23:24.They're really banging on this whole "missing father" thing. Is it really that common, I wonder?
MOTHERS - How can you help your son grow to be a real man? Avoid making unfavorable comparisons to your husband. Suppose, for example, that your son makes a mistake that reminds you of your husband. You might be tempted to blurt out: "Stop that! You're being just like your father!" Granted, you are right to counsel your son for his mistake. But remember: If your words or actions imply that everything your husband does is wrong, you may unwittingly hinder your son's growth into manhood.Now it's making a little more sense. Maybe all the fathers are missing because they all got married to harpies.
Support your husband's involvement in his son's life. Encourage them to spend time together, and look for opportunities to highlight your husband's positive qualities and the good things that he does. Does he work hard to provide for the family? Does he spend time with his children? Does he treat others with respect? Let your son know how much you appreciate those things. Such comments will help your son to learn from the good aspects of his father's example.All these things are so much easier with a concrete block Papa. For example, Papa and I recently went out and he jumped up and down on the head of a local party clown and it made him very, very happy. We're going to visit a mime next week. True story.
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Another month, more snark: YPA 10/12 - What can I expect from marriage? pt.2
by corpusdei inwheeeeeee!!!!
another month, another ypa article that i get to make fun of.
here's part 1 if you missed it, and if you enjoy this then there's even more mockery just a click over here.
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corpusdei
Billy the Ex-Bethelite>>
Marriage is a three ring circus. The engagement ring. The wedding ring. And the Suffer-ring.
Single people wish they were married. Married people wish they were dead.
To which I would add:
- A wedding ring is a symbol to any prospective suitors to give up hope, as the wearer already has.
- A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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Another month, more snark: YPA 10/12 - What can I expect from marriage? pt.2
by corpusdei inwheeeeeee!!!!
another month, another ypa article that i get to make fun of.
here's part 1 if you missed it, and if you enjoy this then there's even more mockery just a click over here.
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corpusdei
Thanks all for the comments, glad you enjoyed.
blondie>>
What they fail to address is that there are so many more single women than single men in the WTS, that each year that ticks by from the age of 18 there are fewer and fewer single men, that while a 35 year old man can wed an 18 year old girl and little is said, that if a 35 year old woman marries an 18 year old man, a great deal is said...it's a scandal. Even an 85 year old man can wed a 22 year old woman at Bethel, only months after his first wife dies, and no one wonders why she did it...
I wasn't aware of that. I always considered the local goth club to be the premier destination for deeply damaged women with severe daddy issues, but the more I think about my time in the Witnesses I realise the KH might be an untapped resource. With potentially less threat of retaliatory damage to my tires, in fact.
In all seriousness, though, I want to be surprised that the Witnesses seem to maintain the level of misogynistic control, I really do. It doesn't take much digging into the bible to see why, though, since the entire book seems to read like a manual for keeping women in their place.
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Another month, more snark: YPA 10/12 - What can I expect from marriage? pt.2
by corpusdei inwheeeeeee!!!!
another month, another ypa article that i get to make fun of.
here's part 1 if you missed it, and if you enjoy this then there's even more mockery just a click over here.
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corpusdei
Wheeeeeee!!!! Another month, another YPA article that I get to make fun of. Here's part 1 if you missed it, and if you enjoy this then there's even more mockery just a click over here
YOUNG PEOPLE ASK
What can I expect from marriage? PART 2
IN OUR PREVIOUS ISSUE, we considered some of the benefits and challenges you can expect from marriage.
Less “considered” and more “slammed our collective sense of identity in the car door 8 or 9 times before shoving it down the garbage disposal”
IN THIS ISSUE, we’ll discuss why you need to expect the unexpected.
NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!
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Sorry, couldn’t help it.Put a checkmark next to any boxes that apply, and then number those that you checked in the order of their importance to you.
I’m glad to see that the WTBTS expects Witness youths to be competent enough to not only place checkmarks in boxes, but number them as well. But shouldn’t they do some praying beforehand?
[ ] [ ] be physically attractive
[ ] [ ] make me feel good about myself
[ ] [ ] have the same goals that I have
[ ] [ ] enjoy the same type of recreation that I enjoyFrankly, I expect my spouse not to murder me in my sleep, slice off my manhood and use it as a hood ornament. Everything else is gravy.
If you’re looking for a marriage mate, there’s nothing wrong with having the expectations noted on the previous page. 'Nothing wrong with having those expectations'. That’s what I told my teacher after she criticized my ambitions about expecting to be the dictator of a small, nuclear-capable third-world country by the time I was thirty. That didn’t work out either. Homeland Security wasn't very helpful either. You might even find someone who meets all of them. Kids, it’s also very possible that your only achievement will be that your life will serve as a warning to others.Realistically, though, over time people change — and so do circumstances. I’m stunned, stunned I tell you, at the kind of masterful insight these articles provide. In other news, there’s porn on the internet. That’s ok, I’ll wait while you check that out.
The bottom line: To make a success of marriage, you must expect the unexpected. Because NO ONE EXPECTS THE … Actually, the more I think about it – Kids, if you’re getting married, go ahead and expect the Spanish Inquisition.
The good news. Some unexpected aspects of marriage may come as a pleasant surprise. Like the fact that somebody else cleans the toilets now? Or that the toilets actually get cleaned?
“Now that we’re married, I see Maria’s* sense of humor in a way that I never fully appreciated while we were dating. Because we don’t take ourselves too seriously, even the problems we’ve encountered seem less significant.”
—Mark.
* Some names in this article have been changed.Shortly after giving this quote, Maria replaced the hood ornament of her car with Mark’s manhood. When questioned by police, she was reported to have stated that “That rat-bastard husband of mine will sure as hell take me seriously now.”
The not-so-good news. Some unexpected aspects of marriage may be unpleasant. Like waking up in the morning. That one's still getting me.Consider an example.
Suppose you and your future spouse have a goal to do missionary work in a foreign land. But what if, after marriage, your mate develops a serious health problem that puts the goal out of reach? Doesn’t mean the “missionary work” is out of reach. Tiajuana here I come. For … um … bringing the work of the Lord to those spectacularly cheap houses of ill-repute. Yea. Realistically, that’s possible, as the Bible says that “bad things happen to everyone!” Protip: The likelihood of bad things happening increases exponentially whenever someone says “Hey, hold my beer and watch this!!” (Ecclesiastes 9:11, Holy Bible—Easy-to-Read Version) No doubt you’d be distressed over your mate’s condition Depends on whether you take that extra life insurance policy into account — and disappointed over not reaching your goal. Snark aside for a moment, because this is actually kind of sickening. Think about the scenario they just put forward and look at this last sentence. Your spouse develops a serious health problem, and disappointment about not doing missionary work is just as important as your “distress” over your spouses condition. I’m actually somewhat surprised that they didn’t recommend going ahead on the missionary work anyway. Assholes. If such an unexpected circumstance arose, however, you’d simply have to accept reality and adjust. After all, you married a person, not a goal. Unless you actually did marry a goal. I think that might be legal in California now.
The bottom line: As the Bible states, those who marry will have a measure of “tribulation.” (1 Corinthians 7:28) Finally we agree on something.Sometimes that tribulation comes from unexpected circumstances. Although I’m told it usually comes from trying to sleep through my snoring every god-forsaken night for the better part of a decade.
How can you prepare for the unexpected? If you get married, you’ll need two things. Vodka and Scotch. Don’t go to the altar without them.
WHAT YOUR PEERS SAY I recognize no peers, no equals, and no superiors
Sirvan —Sometimes people who date choose to overlook red flags about their prospective mate. Not true. I always saw the red flags. The sex was just too good. That line about ‘crazy in the head, crazy in the sack’ is very, very true.That’s dangerous. I’ll concede that, since one of those crazy chicks ended up slashing my tires and claiming she had my abortion. From then on I made sure to give my name as James Bowler (Jimmy Hat *wink*) and only went to their place. You could end up married and unhappy That's somewhat redundant and left with the feeling that the only way to be happy again is to divorce the person you once thought you couldn’t live without.
Kids, gather around the warm glow of the monitor and your uncle Jimmy is going to give you a priceless piece of wisdom that will help ensure that you remain happy, fulfilled, and wealthy. This is just for the guys, mind you. Don’t. Get. Married. “But Uncle Jimmy,” I hear you saying, “I don’t want to be alone, and it takes an act of congress to get a girlfriend, and an act of god – not to mention expensive dates – to get her to put out”. Here’s the secret. Don’t get married. Get a hooker. I’m not talking about a skank off the streetcorner, no, stick with a decent high class escort.
Stay with me here. People think you’re paying a hooker to have sex. That’s not true. You’re paying her to leave afterwards. Think about it – she’s guaranteed to put out, she’ll know how to do things to you that you’ll never experience with a girlfriend (unless she’s got serious, deep-seated daddy issues, and in that case see my previous comments), she’ll never call you an asshole because you forgot her birthday, and she won’t try to strip away the excellent bachelor life you’ve worked so hard to enjoy. Plus, you know exactly how much things are going to cost. None of this – “Honey, I had an awful day and maxed a credit card shoe shopping, hope you don’t mind” BS. Nope, it’s a flat cost. You can budget for that.
Danielle —Many people get married simply because they think it’s expected of them to marry by a certain age. That must be it. Couldn’t be the fact that they’re trapped in a viciously controlling religion that forces them to get married in order to get laid. I’m sure that doesn’t come into play at all. On the other hand, I’ve heard people say that there’s wisdom in waiting, since young people change in many ways. Even happily married people have said that they wished they had waited a little longer. I’m telling you. Wait on getting married and get a couple of excellent call girls in your little black book. You’ll be able to keep your bachelor pad free of doilies and little bowls of that potpourri stuff.
1. A REALISTIC OUTLOOK
No matter how compatible you and your future spouse may be, you should expect that
* you will not always agree on everything. Unless you state that you’re in the wrong. They’ll always agree with that.
* you will not always have the same priorities. Not true. My spouse and I make it a priority to stay the hell away from each other. It’s a relationship built on a complete lack of communication. Can’t have a fight when you’re at opposite ends of the house.
* you will not always enjoy the same activities. Activities most husbands enjoy? Sports, video games, and watching porn. Activities most wives enjoy? Making sure their husbands don’t enjoy those things.
* you will not always feel euphorically in love. That love haze lasts about two and a half weeks after the wedding. Then he starts leaving the toilet seat up and farting at the dinner table and she throws out his beer sign collection because it looks tacky. After that a marriage is pretty much 30 years of low-grade hostility occasionally punctuated by short periods of intense lust. For each other, if you’re doing it right.Situations such as those listed above are common. But they will not ruin your marriage unless you let them!If you remembered the prenup it wouldn’t matter quite so much. Remember, the Bible says that love “endures all things” and “never fails.”—1 Corinthians 13:4, 7, 8. Remember, that was written by the apostle Paul, who was pretty much the grade-a, prime lord king of misogynists. I’d take anything he says about relationships with more than a grain of salt. I’d back the truck up, in fact.
Fact of life: In the end, it’s not the problems you encounter but how you deal with them that will make or break your marriage.—Colossians 3:13. I’m telling you, go the hooker route and you won’t have to worry about all this garbage.
2. A SENSE OF COMMITMENT
If you and your spouse are determined to stay together, come what may, you’ll be better able to weather the unexpected storms.—Matthew 19:6. I’ll agree with that - commitment in a marriage is important. Most successful marriages reach that magical point where each spouse is deeply committed to inflicting themselves on their partner. It’s that spot where each spouse realizes that any potential relief they might get from a divorce is overshadowed by the joy of making the other person suffer. That sort of mutual antagonism is what really lasts.
Some claim that commitment makes a marriage burdensome. No more so than tossing a lighter into a bonfire makes it hotter. Really, though, it does the opposite! Commitment gives your relationship stability. When the unexpected occurs, you and your spouse will look for solutions, not for the nearest exit. After awhile, even that evens out and one or the other of you will learn that it really is all your fault and you’ll go ahead and fix things without even needing the discussion. That’s when things get really stable.
To cultivate a spirit of commitment, you’ll need to think about marriage rationally rather than idealistically. You’re asking teens to think rationally? Really, who’s being the idealistic one here?To illustrate the difference, try the following exercise.
1. Imagine that you have a free airline ticket to travel anywhere in the world. Which destination would you choose, and why?
Destination: ………………………………………… Some small third-world country in need of a dictator.
Reason:
__scenery __culture
__climate __recreation __other Power, wealth, and my own private harem.
2. Imagine that your airline ticket is one-way and that your destination will be your permanent residence.
Now which destination—if any—would you choose?
Destination: ………………………………………… Some small third-world country in need of a dictator that has stable broadband internet. Even with a harem, I’m still expecting to be able to watch porn and play CounterStrike.
or
__I would stay where I am.
In the above exercise, your first and second destination choices probably differ. Even if they’re the same, likely you had to think differently about your second choice. Rather than imagine yourself as a vacationer who’s lounging on a beach or hiking in the mountains Not quite the image I had in mind. More Amsterdam red-light district without the worry of ending up in that “Hostel” movie, you had to think of yourself as a resident who is facing both the benefits and the challenges of daily life. True. Broadband internet and the endless stream of hardcore pornography that it brings me isn’t something I’d live without easily.
That’s how you need to think about marriage. What, the importance of porn in marriage? I can agree with that. After all, with the passing of time, circumstances may change. No doubt you and your spouse will too. Much of your success will depend on your ability to expect the unexpected and to deal with it when it arises. Not true. Much of your success in marriage will depend on you realizing that keeping the peace is more important than being right.
To think about: How well do you deal with unexpected situations in life right now, as a single person? When I was single and an unexpected situation came up, I just drank vodka at it till it left. So not much has changed.
WHY NOT ASK YOUR PARENTS?
What unexpected blessings and challenges did you face when you were newly married? How can I prepare for the unexpected if I get married? Here’s an idea that’s a lot more fun. Ask one of your parents why the other one was telling their friend that they’re only staying in the marriage for the kids. That should end up being popcorn-worthy entertainment.
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YPA 09/12 - What Can I Expect From Marriage? pt.1 (with snark)
by corpusdei inanother month, another ypa article just ripe for mocking.
(there's more snark here if you enjoy poking these articles as much as i do).
young people ask - what can i expect from marriage?
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corpusdei
Another month, another YPA article just ripe for mocking. We've got pithy advice, a realistic look at how the bible views marriage, and gas station coffee that tastes like feet. Enjoy! (There's more snark here if you enjoy poking these articles as much as I do)
YOUNG PEOPLE ASK - What can I expect from marriage? Pt.1The Watchtower society telling teenagers what to expect from marriage? Ohhhhhhh, this should be fun. I can't think of a word that means the glee as you rub your hands together in preparation for something devilishly entertaining, but rest assured that's what I'm doing.
(1) "When we're together, I'm walking on clouds! I can't wait to be with him!"
(2) "We hardly have anything in common. Rather than marriage mates, we're roommates. I feel so lonely!"
AS YOU probably guessed, the statement above (1) was made by a single girl; the statement to the left (2), by someone who is married. What you may not realize is that both statements were made by the same person.
I didn't put in those italics - they're there in the original article, apparently to go along with a dramatic noise that was happening in the authors head. I'm guessing that we're supposed to go "*GASP* Oh my God, the same person? How can that be?"
My reaction, though, was more along the lines of "I'm never getting gas-station coffee again. This shit tastes like feet."
What went wrong? I'm reminded of the wise words I shared with a co-worker who was getting engaged - "Remember, a wedding ring is a symbol to all prospective suitors to give up hope, as the wearer already has." If you look forward to getting married someday, how can you prevent a romantic dream from turning into a troublesome marriage? And then there's the equally wise words of Oscar Wilde - "One should always be in love; that is the reason one should never marry."
: Much of your happiness in marriage depends on what you expect from it. Here's what to expect, again from the inimitable Mr. Wilde - "Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience."
This article-along with the "Young People Ask" article in next month's Awake!-will help you to have realistic expectations. Don't bother, from experience I can help set your expectations. Gals? Those six-pack abs aren't going to last, he's still going to watch porn, play video games, and probably fart a lot. Guys? Those really skimpy panties aren't going to last, she's going to get pissed when you watch porn, you'll never have time to play video games, and she'll probably fart a lot.
What can you realistically expect from marriage? In short, you can:
(1) Expect benefits Well...there are some tax benefits at least
(2) Expect challenges I apparently snore like a demented lumberjack, and it's been a nightly challenge for my wife not to smother me with a pillow.
(3) Expect the unexpected And possibly the Spanish Inquisition.Let's take a close look at each of these.
EXPECT BENEFITS
The Bible promotes a positive view of marriage. (Proverbs 18:22) Here are some benefits you can expect. Oh, it does, does it? A "positive view of marriage"? Let's take a brief look at how the bible views marriage:
- Female prisoners of war can be kept as wives/concubines unless they don't please the husband, in which case she can be safely discarded - Duet. 21:13-14
- It's alright to sell daughters as wives/concubines - Exod. 21:7-11
- It's even alright to kidnap women and force them into marriage - Judg. 21:12,14, 23
- Wives should be submissive baby-makers - 1 Tim 2:11-15
- We're not kidding about the submissive thing - Eph. 5:22-24
- Really. Not kidding at all - Col. 3:18
- Not a bit. - 1 Pet. 3:1-2
- They should also shut the hell up - 1 Cor. 14:33-35
- If your wife isn't a virgin on her wedding night, it's OK to kill her - Duet. 22:20-21
- Mixed marriages are bad and God gives the go-ahead to beat any children resulting from one - Neh. 13:23-27
- It's also A-OK to walk out of your wife and kids if they're unbelievers - Ezra 10:2-44
- You know what, it's better if you just don't get married at all - 1 Cor. 7:27-28
Companionship. The Bible says that some time after the first man, Adam, was created, God said: "It is not good for the man to continue by himself," after which He created Eve as Adam's companion. (Genesis 2:18) Yea, and we all know how that worked out, don't we? God made each of them with unique attributes so that they would be different, yet compatible. Yea...God made those "attributes" so well that you've got the equivalent of a sewage treatment facility running through a recreational area. Great design there. Thus, a husband and wife make excellent companions for each other.-Proverbs 5:18. As long as God's not telling someone to drag your wife around on a fucking meat hook. Yea, you read that right - Amos 4:1-3
Partnership. The Bible says: "Two are better off than one, because together they can work more effectively." (Ecclesiastes 4:9, Good News Translation) How's this for "partnership"? If your brother dies and his wife doesn't have kids, God'll kill you if you don't go and get her knocked up (Gen 38:6-10)That is certainly true of marriage. "It's all about working as a team and being humble and willing to yield once in a while," says a recently married young woman named Brenda.* More than once in awhile, at least according to Paul - that dude was the original "Get in the kitchen and make me a goddam sammich" guy
* Some names in this article have been changed.Intimacy. The Bible says: "The husband should meet his wife's sexual needs, and the wife should do the same for her husband." (1 Corinthians 7:3, Common English Bible) But remember kids, only missionary, only with the lights off, and wash your hands afterwards. And BJ's are totally out of the question - Watchtower 12/1/72, p. 735. When married, you can enjoy having sex without the anxiety and regret that are so often the sad consequences of premarital sex.-Proverbs 7:22, 23; 1 Corinthians 7:8, 9. You know what sucks? (Aside from not your spouse, apparently.) Getting married and finding out on your wedding night that he's a minute-man with a three-inch pecker.
The bottom line: Marriage is a gift from God. (James 1:17) You know what else are gifts from God? "All the little ones among the women who have not known the act of lying with a male" (Num 31:17-18) Three guesses what the Israelites did to them. When you abide by his principles, you can expect marriage to be a richly rewarding way of life.
To think about: Is your view of marriage soured by poor examples that you have observed-perhaps in your own family? I'll tell you what's soured my view of Christian marriage? The examples in the sodding Bible that I pulled for this article. This shit is sickening. I'd rather take my examples from somebody who wasn't all pedo-rapist-y. If so, what positive role models can you look to that are worthy of imitation? Guys, at this point Brittney Spears is looking like a better role model, and the world would be a better place if someone filled her vagina with concrete. What does that tell you?
EXPECT CHALLENGES
The Bible presents a realistic view of marriage. (1 Corinthians 7:28) Um...am I the only one that's been present for the whole pedo-rapist-sex slave discussion? "Realistic view" might not be the words I'd choose. Here are some challenges you can expect. Aside from, you know, burning the next town and getting your wife/wives/concubines to begin with.
Conflict. No two humans are identical-except that they're imperfect. (Romans 3:23) So a husband and wife will occasionally have conflicts, no matter how compatible they seem. Sometimes they may even say unpleasant things that they later regret. "A person who never said anything wrong . . . would be perfect," says the Bible. (James 3:2, Holy Bible-Easy-to-Read Version) Rather than idealistically trying to avoid all disagreements, successful couples learn how to discuss and settle them when they arise. Here's a biblical "conflict resolution" tip that you can apply in your own life - In the event that your wife tries to get you to worship a different God, kill her (Duet. 13:6-10) She's not being, you know, all submissive and stuff.
Disappointment. "We're bombarded with movies and TV shows in which the girl finds her 'perfect' match and lives happily ever after," says a girl named Karen. When a marriage fails to live up to such an ideal, both mates may become disillusioned. Because we all trust movies and TV completely, the internet never lies, and that Nigerian businessman wanting to give you 5 million to help him get his money out of the country is really on the level. Of course, after marriage both mates are bound to discover additional imperfections and quirks in each other. The key is to remember that true love "endures all things"-even disappointment.-1 Corinthians 13:4, 7. Here's an experiment that'll help you identify a good relationship. Take your dog and lock him in the trunk of a car. Then take your wife and lock her in the trunk of another car. Wait an hour, open both trunks, and find out who's glad to see you.
Anxiety. The Bible says that married people are "anxious for the things of the world." (1 Corinthians 7:33, 34) Such anxiety is normal and often even proper. For example, you may find it challenging to make ends meet. You know what makes it even more challenging? Spending all your time in Field Service instead of furthering your education, or turning down a better paying job because it might interfere with going to meetings. Or getting a liberal arts degree, that's pretty stupid too. Both mates might have to work just to pay for food, clothing, and a place to live. But you can succeed if you work as a team to provide for your household.-1 Timothy 5:8. Great. More advice from Paul, the Misogynistic Mad Circumciser. (Yea, I'm still a little hung up on how he went all Edward Scissorhands on Timothy's junk.)
The bottom line: If dating is like flying a kite, marriage is like piloting a plane. Not really. It's more like trying to piloting a sentient, megalomaniacal starship designed by an insane wizard who was hopped up on PCP and NyQuil. You'll need considerably more skill and effort to deal with the turbulent challenges-but you can succeed. All snarky aside, the best way to maintain a successful relationship is to remember a few main rules - love, honor, respect, and stay the hell away from each other. (Well, maybe still a little snark) Oh, and remember the critical importance of bringing home flowers for absolutely no reason whatsoever except that it makes her happy.
To think about: How do you handle conflict now with your parents and siblings? Are you able to put disappointments in perspective? How do you deal with anxiety? Here's something to think about. With God in your marriage, every night's a threesome. Yea, I went there.
WHAT YOUR PEERS SAY
Brittany-I think it's a bad idea to get married simply because you're tired of being asked, "When are you going to get married?" Brittany, your picture is right there in the magazine. We all know you aren't getting asked that question very often. After all, when problems arise, you will be the one who has to deal with them-not the people who are pressuring you. Hang on, didn't we just get finished with an entire flipping article about how God helps you with marital problems?
Clara-Emotions can keep people from thinking clearly. That's why I think parents should have a big part in your choosing a mate. After all, they know you really well, so they should be able to help you find someone who is right for you. Ohhhhhh wow. They really went there, didn't they? It isn't enough that these poor teens have the Watchtower Society telling them what to believe, the Elders telling them what to do? You've got to start promoting arranged marriages now too? How about you tell them to make career decisions by slamming their head in a car door a couple of times?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Josh and Melanie have been dating for a year. During that time they nearly broke up twice. The first time, Josh threatened to call it quits when he accused Melanie of flirting with other boys. I call BS. They shouldn't be within 10 feet of each other without a constant chaperone, at least if they're good little Witnesses. The second time, Melanie gave Josh an ultimatum when she could no longer endure his accusations. Not surprised, Josh sounds like a winey little jackass. Both times Josh and Melanie were able to resolve their differences.
What do you think? Do you see any danger signs in the relationship described above? The fact that Josh and Melanie nearly broke up more than once indicates what? Um...that they both need to be smacked in the face with a clue bat wrapped in clue tape, then given clue mating calls and dumped in the nearest clue field? On the other hand, what does the fact that they resolved their problems tell you? What, do you think, can Josh and Melanie expect from marriage? Once again, I've got to turn back to Mr. Wilde who had it nailed - "All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his."
WHY NOT ASK YOUR PARENTS? Why not think for yourself? That'd be a novel experience.
Discuss the box "What Do You Think?" with your parents. See if their views of Josh and Melanie differ from yours. Better yet, get them drunk and ask them exactly how much pain, misery and suffering you've caused them over the years. Ask your Mom how badly your wrecked her figure. Ask your Dad if he really wanted to spend all that money on raising a annoying prat of a child instead of paying off the mortgage early. Why not ask your parents if they enjoyed having to jump through hoops to get a babysitter just to get one peaceful afternoon. Better yet, why not ask your parents if they had a really great time spending 18 years having to have really, really quiet sex.
IN THE NEXT "YOUNG PEOPLE ASK"... How can Bible principles help you to expect the unexpected? Would that be anything like the fact that every time I go through one of these articles I expect to be entertained, but I always end up with an unexpected feeling like I just cleaned a bathroom in Grand Central Station using only my tongue? Yea, I thought so.
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Wondering about this Child abuse thng,How do I file a case?
by aquagirl inkinda wondering about this,because our p.o.used to take me,and probably other young girls out,alone,in field service,and let his penis hang out of his pants.i was so young,that i really wasnt sure what it was.being raised on a farm,and slaughtered many animals,i though it was some sort of entrail'..i know,ignorant country girl.this happened for years tho..another girlfriend had an elder try to touch her on several occasions,and was publicly reproved when she told her mum{a devout jw} about it...not looking for any money,but it would be nice to get all of them.the guy that i had my issues with had an airplane and always counseled others on materialism.my brother got 'counseled'by this clown, because he put an 8track in his car!!
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corpusdei
The first thing you'll want to do would be to get in touch with a lawyer that has experience dealing with these matters - they'll be able to give you a much clearer picture of what options are available, whether there's a statute of limitations involved (depending on the time of the incident and the charges pursued this may well be within those statutes), as well as whether there's a viable case present. You might check out this site to assist in getting the name of local legal counsel - http://lawyers.findlaw.com/.
An alternative may be to seek out local abuse support groups, they may also be able to provide some direction as to what legal recourse may be available (but an actual lawyer would naturally be able to give a more definitive answer)
EDIT: Or follow some of the advise above - that looks like a clearer path. ;)
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This made me awfully sad
by corpusdei injust came across this post, where a disfellowshipped blogger posted the letter from his witness mother in which she cuts off the relationship between them.
although i was the one to slam the door and cut off communication with my viper of a mother, my heart goes out to this guy - it's to their shame that the witnesses allow their religion to do this to family..
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corpusdei
Just came across this post, where a disfellowshipped blogger posted the letter from his Witness mother in which she cuts off the relationship between them. Although I was the one to slam the door and cut off communication with my viper of a mother, my heart goes out to this guy - it's to their shame that the Witnesses allow their religion to do this to family.
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What do apostates really want?
by Mr Facts ini'm just wondering what the whole apostate propaganda is all about?.
do you think you can do some sort of justice to the wt for the pains they have caused you?, what actualy are your motives?.
i dont get it.
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corpusdei
Me personally? Robot slaves. And jetpacks.
Barring that, I'd consider it a pretty fine birthday present if I live to see the last holy book buried under the rubble of the last church. Then maybe we as a species can drop the argument about which imaginary friend has the bigger junk and get on with that whole robot slave / jetpack thing.
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Excellent news article re Candace Conti's abuse, not for the sensitive or tender-hearted
by yesidid inhttp://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2012/06/15/bauq1p2ph2.dtl.
sadly there are details which may make you heave or want to commit violence..
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