MoodyBlue

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Posts by MoodyBlue

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  20

  when the rain clears...

  by Deacon in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  ive been reading thesr posts for a while, thinking on them, pondering as the wt has recommended over the years.. having grown up as a witness, and having been involved in both the boring and the more exciting parts of the ministry, i know what it is like to be part of a team, and more importantly , i know what its like to be a team player on gods side.

  and then one day, things start to unravel, the marriage, the relationship with bethel, the relationship with members in the congregations, and then, on another later day, suddenly you find yourself on the outside.. so, as time passes, a person begins to miss the association, the meetings, the laughter of the ministry groups, even the smell of the kingdom halls.....and effort is made to restore self to favour....and in time that too....comes to pass.. but here i am, a few years later, once more isolated, but this time by my own choice, beset by doubts and concerns over something that i held and hold sacred.. my circumstances have changed.

  i chose the path of marriage again, to a wonderful person that has filled my life with contentment without the pressures of having to be an elder or an example to others in the christian manner, for those that are or have been in positions of oversight, you will know what this means...and yes my wife is one raised as a witness, and having her own journey that she may or may not choose to share with you...in any case, i feel priveleged to know her just for the decent human she is.. so, here i am, watching, reading, thinking....and i admit to being a little lost.. firstly, 607, it may or may not be correct, frankly my dears.... the ever changing date of armaggeddon...well that would appear to be a previousness on the part of the leading lights...after a while it gets tedious and a little self defeating.... the meetings and requirements for field service...well as i see it, the bible indicates it is a requirement to meet together, and furthermore a requirement to tell others about jehovah....the application of the principles have become (almost law,) in order to belong to the organisation known as jehovahs witnesses...that is a minor problem, despite the best efforts from co's and do's from the platform, the unoffical stance is that if you aint cutting it.. you aint spiritual.. now,where im at in this stream of time, along with all the confusion about what is right and what is wrong, i have to just look for other confirmations that jehovahs time is at hand...if indeed it is near at all.. man is now developing life in vacuums, primitive cellular structures it may be, but the leaps of testing criteria has been enhanced by the use of computers to cut time.... man has the ability (proven) to destroy earth.. man is killing the earth.. now if i was the creator, and he once before destroyed civilisation when they built the tower of babel, i would be thinking that soon they would know stuff they shouldnt know, and in any case, the earthdewellers are so dumb they will destroy themselves..id better start big a... my concern is,, that in the bigger picture..does it really matter if we get it so wrong, so many times and so quickly?

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  MoodyBlue

  thank you deacon, for your thought-provoking and heartfelt post.
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  14

  The guilt factor

  by MoodyBlue in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i was talking to the hubby over the weekend.

  i mentioned the fact that so much of what witnesses do seems to be driven by guilt.

  he said "yes, that's because they have a conscience.

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  MoodyBlue

  I was talking to the hubby over the weekend. I mentioned the fact that so much of what witnesses do seems to be driven by guilt. He said "yes, that's because they have a conscience." I said, "I don't think there's any reason though to feel guilty if u miss service or meetings, yet we're always being made to feel that way from the platform." He didn't say anything to that, but he knows I HATE how we're always be told to do more more more.

  But it got me thinking HOW much the publications actually use guilt or fear tactics to get us to be "faithful witnesses." I can't help but wonder how many witnesses are driven more by fear or a guilty conscience. I know personally that it's a terrible feeling to have in u all the time...

  Comments, anyone??
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  38

  Thanks For your Input All

  by eyes_opened in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  thanks everyone!

  you were very supportive and helpful on this subject.. <with the exception of the idiot at the end lol>.

  edited by - eyes_opened on 23 january 2001 19:40:40

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  MoodyBlue

  Hello Eyes,

  I have written down many questions that were in your letter. My husband intends to try and answer them with the society's pubs... but I'm not holding my breath ;). I've been told if i'm just no so darn *negative* and if i just THOUGHT a little more and MEDIDTATED on what the society said, I'd get it. And if I didn't THINK so much about the unknowns I'd be more satisfied...

  Sigh, sometimes i'd like to take the insight book and the bible and just smack all the brainwashed info right out of his head...

  Eyes, I like how u think, and am looking forward to more of your posts.
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  58

  Living A Lie

  by MoodyBlue in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i am sick of living a lie, yet afraid to change it.

  married to a man who refuses to listen, who would rather plug his ears and shout "nooooooo" is taking it's tole.

  i am afraid to speak my mind about my doubt, my thoughts, and what i'm learning, as i'm not ready to cross that point of no return.

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  MoodyBlue

  hi happy

  u weren't so harsh, lol... i just want to explain (defend??) one thing... i don't think i've badgered him. On the contrary i have been quite quiet for the most part...i just want to do what's right, and find peace in my own mind... i just havne't figured out HOW yet.
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  58

  Living A Lie

  by MoodyBlue in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i am sick of living a lie, yet afraid to change it.

  married to a man who refuses to listen, who would rather plug his ears and shout "nooooooo" is taking it's tole.

  i am afraid to speak my mind about my doubt, my thoughts, and what i'm learning, as i'm not ready to cross that point of no return.

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  MoodyBlue

  Well, I broke down last night, and told my husband how I feel, and some of my doubts. We had a really long talk, and I thought maybe I had made some progress when we went to bed in each other's arms.

  I asked him things I thought would make him think. WHY he beleives what he does- is it simply because he was raised JW? WHAT would he do if he found something in the Bible contrary to what JW's teach? He admitted he didn't know, and had some research to do.

  He also asked if he tried to help me, would I attend meetings to help him... i never did say yes, but I know he's still counting on me to be there.

  But this morning on the way to work, I realized something as he was talking, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. He said to me that I was making Jehovah happy. He said that one day I would know what he knows.

  AND IT HIT ME. THIS IS THE ONLY WAY OF LIFE THERE IS TO HIM. THIS IS ABSOLUTE TRUTH AND FACT TO HIM. And while i sortof knew that, I don't think i realized the certainty of it. Does that make sense?
  I kept telling him, don't be so sure I will. I do not beleive what u do right now, and don't know that I will. He is confident in my ablitity to see the "truth," and thinks it is simply depression and negative thinking that has me feeling this way.

  I feel even worse now... I am trying to read so lightly with him, and not bombard him with stuff, but he's missing everything I'm saying... Maybe I'm wrong for wanting him to see what I do in the "truth." To him it is truth, and who am I to challenge that.

  He called me up about 10 minutes ago, and asked if i was looking at "bad stuff" on the internet. I lied and said no, because to me itisn't bad. To him, it is simply apostate lies. I told him lots of my questions were hanging on from long ago, when I discovered "apostate" sites... but i feel so dishonest:(

  I wish I had the courage to end this life...

  Edited by - MoodyBlue on 19 January 2001 10:45:53
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  11

  Almost there......

  by eyes_opened in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  hi everyone, this is my first post here.

  first of all, let me explain a bit of my background.

  i was raised as a jw from the age of 4 years old.

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  MoodyBlue

  I wish I had some great suggestions for u eyes, but I don't. My eyes too are open to the "truth," but my husband's are not... I know the fear of losing family is overwhelming.

  Say as little opposing the society as possible. The first thing that enters into JW's minds is apostacy...never "maybe that's something I should think about." It is a hard spot to be in, but be thankful your husband and parents are supportive. You will need them.

  Live each day as u can, because, really, NONE of us know what tommorow will bring.

  Sorry I can't be of more help, but all the best to you.
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  22

  Visiting a KH...

  by ianao in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  a 'friend' of mine keeps telling me that everything i am reading here on this board is a packload of lies from people who have no respect for god.. he also tells me that if i would just go to the kh for once, that i would see for myself that jws are not the bad people that they are portrayed to be.. while i have my own convictions about this subject, i was curious to know what others' opinions would be on the fruitfullness of taking up this man's offer and going to the kh to see for myself.

  so, what do you think?

  what should i watch out for?

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  MoodyBlue

  Ianao,

  (btw I'm not an optimist either;P)

  All I can add is personal observations and comments. I went to the KH last night because I didn't want to fight with my husband about it. Though I made it clear I didn not want to be there, all it did was re-enforce to him that I still "had faith in the truth." It didn't matter how much I protested- my coming was enough.

  During the meeting, a local needs part was given on "is the truth becoming burdensome." The elder giving it said that it becomes burdensome if there is too much else in your life. That because the fds "is appointed by Jehovah and Jesus is the head of them, all of our meetings and schedule is approved and expected from Jehovah"

  The rest of the meeting was "pioneer, pioneer, pioneer." It just happens to be the new CO's visit, and all he preached about was more service.

  There was the "we are separate from the world" quotes mostly given by a crooked elder my husband works for (that's not hypocritical is it??) and the usual things covered at the meetings.

  During the meeting I felt evil and decietful, after it I felt confused and doubtful. All that was going through my head were what if's. And they haven't stopped since. I told my husband point blank, I did not want to be a witness. I told him I have doubts that have destroyed my faith. I told him I want to be selfish, and I don't want to live for Jehovah. I told him nowhere in the bible did I see 5 meetings a week as a must. I told him I didn't want to go out in service, and I certainly didn't want to pioneer. I told him that I didn't see how a god that expected willing devotion would be please that I went so begrudgingly. I told him I when I prayed, I felt like I was praying to the wall. I told him I didn't WANT to live forever anyway.

  You know what I got in response?? That I was imperfect, and that my depression causes me to say these things. That since I've been so negative my whole life, of course I was going to feel this way. That Jehovah was happy with me because I attended even though I didn't want to. That I didn't want to live forever in THIS system. That our marriage will get stronger if we are just regular in attendance. That I will have friends if we just start getting to more meetings and out in service. That he loved me, and was thankful I came.

  Now, ianao, our situations aren't the same. But all i know is that after going last night, i am even more lost than before. The what if's and the " u are falling into satan's trap" got louder.

  Going only prolongs the agony, so if u don't want to go to the KH- DON'T.
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  58

  Living A Lie

  by MoodyBlue in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i am sick of living a lie, yet afraid to change it.

  married to a man who refuses to listen, who would rather plug his ears and shout "nooooooo" is taking it's tole.

  i am afraid to speak my mind about my doubt, my thoughts, and what i'm learning, as i'm not ready to cross that point of no return.

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  MoodyBlue

  i don't think fear is a payoff... but i stay where i am because i want my husband to see the truth about the truth. i stay because i do not know where to go. i stay because i owe tens of thousands of dollars to the govt. i stay because i am in love. i stay because i want this to be the truth. i stay because i feel without my husband i have no one. i stay because although i am lost, i feel secure in his arms. i stay because i have quit everything i've ever done in my life. i stay because i am scared. i stay because i tried to leave once before and couldn't handle life without mr blue. i stay because i don't know what to do besides what i am doing now. i stay because i keep hoping for some insight and help. i stay because i don't want to be shunned. i stay because i don't have any faith in anything out there. i stay because for now, that's all i can do.
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  58

  Living A Lie

  by MoodyBlue in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i am sick of living a lie, yet afraid to change it.

  married to a man who refuses to listen, who would rather plug his ears and shout "nooooooo" is taking it's tole.

  i am afraid to speak my mind about my doubt, my thoughts, and what i'm learning, as i'm not ready to cross that point of no return.

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  MoodyBlue

  I've been thru the therapy route before. I was forced to stop because we needed money, and I had to go back to work. I've attempted suicide twice, that's what landed me in therapy in the first place. Did i feel it benefitted- Absolutely. Do I have access to it now- No.

  See, I DON'T have anyone to talk to This f*cking computer is all the therapy I have right now. Chill out is easy to say, not so easy to do. Family provided support at first, but now thinks I should either put up, or leave. They don't want to hear me whining (a quote from my mother) and so I don't whine.

  So i suppose i should just put up or shut up.
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  58

  Living A Lie

  by MoodyBlue in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i am sick of living a lie, yet afraid to change it.

  married to a man who refuses to listen, who would rather plug his ears and shout "nooooooo" is taking it's tole.

  i am afraid to speak my mind about my doubt, my thoughts, and what i'm learning, as i'm not ready to cross that point of no return.

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  MoodyBlue

  Being young doesn't afford me any comfort. What good is it to be young and dread the life ahead of u? I don't want this life, and dammit, I didn't ask for it either. I don't get what the purpose is, and am sick of hearing how I'll find it. Nobody has the answers... Instead we all sit here, searching, while some god sits up on his throne playing puppets. Is this some sort of cruel joke? An experiement to see how much we can f*ck up our lives? Cuz I'm already off to a great start.

  If there is a god, I'm really angry with him. If he loves us all so much, and has a purpose for our existence, why is it such a big mystery. Is it fun to watch us stumble around miserable questionning our very existence??

  I know, I know, it's my attitude that's the problem right? Well dammit, I'm angry and this god that may or may not be there doesn't give a sh*t.

  I've barely begun, and I'm tired. I'm tired of this feeling inside of me. I'm tired of the infinate unknowns out there. I'm tired of life.