I don't feel hostile to God. I have just come to the conclusion he's not there. I do agree there is a whole lot more to our existence. It's a waste of time getting angry at reality, just try and find out more about it.
Just put any question you like into a search engine, read all the ideas that are out there and after some years, decide for yourself. The answers aren't on this forum, there's not enough room allowed here for total brainstorming, too much fear of other's opinions. Good luck.