I was discussing this very subject with my pen pal just the other day. She wasn't brought up in a religious home, but like me she was raised to be a goody-goody. I guess I'll just post what I wrote her:
I was the same way as a child until, I think, about twelve. Being good seemed to be all I was good at - or at any rate it is all I ever got any recognition for. I was seriously good. It wasn't just that I refrained from stealing or doing drugs or swearing (that is just not being bad), but I would actively devote most of my time to doing good works like studying the Bible, going to Church three times a week and devoting seven hours a week to evangelizing. But one day I realized that, though my mom and all these others admired me, I didn't like myself. When I looked at myself I saw a pompous, sanctimonious puritan who secretly both envied and resented all the people around him. They might have been immoral, but at least they seemed to like themselves.
So I stopped reading the Bible. I experimented with drugs, masturbated, dabbled in the occult, and sought out the very worst company I could find: drug addicts, thieves, bums, strippers, whores, homosexuals and even pedophiles. I took great relish in reading Charles Darwin, along with all the other books on the forbidden list. Instead of adjusting my moral compass to suit my new direction, I simply accepted that what I was doing was evil by most people's definition of that word. I liked doing it - the more bizarre and reprobate the act, the more pleasure I seemed to take in it until I found myself loving evil for itself and only itself. But even more seductive than the pleasure, was that for the first time in my life I liked the person I was becoming. I still despised the mask I had to wear in order to please others, but it was only a mask now; it wasn't really me.
I know it must sound childish to you, but I still see myself as an evil man with no desire to reform himself or be redeemed. To me, 'evil' is just a four letter word for freedom; being evil means you're allowed to do whatever you choose without having to justify yourself or apologize. There might be consequences, but you never regret anything any more than a scientist would regret a failed experiment. With evil, there are no limits. Good people aren't supposed to hate (though they do anyways), but evil people are allowed to love. Good people strive for a state of moral perfection, but there is no corresponding destination for those who are evil because there is always some deeper abyss to plumb; some further prejudice to violate.
You might think it strange that someone who's been a vegan and a vegetarian should consider himself evil, but I personally don't see animal welfare as a moral issue, but a matter of empathy. Morality is simply an abstract code of conduct a person adopts and attempts to impose on others, wheres empathy is the capacity to feel what others are feeling. To illustrate my point: when I was twelve years old one of my friends got caught with a joint of marijuana. His parents reported him to the elders, who announced his wrongdoing before the congregation on Sunday so everyone would know to shun him. Jehovah's Witnesses use shunning as a form of punishment. Anyone who is caught breaking the rules must sit at the back of the Kingdom Hall (church) and is not allowed to speak to anyone, nor can they be spoken to; and this condition persists for weeks, sometimes even months, until the elders decide to let them back in. Well, I spoke to him. I even visited him the same day his wrongdoing was announced. But I didn't do this because I believed it was the morally right thing to do; I did it because I cared more about my friend than I did about being a good person. I loved him and I didn't give a Canadian penny for their prick-in-the-ass God!
I suppose I could adopt a moral code that suited my tastes. I've studied Plato, Aristotle, Epictetus, Confucius, John Stuart Mill, Ayn Rand, Friedrich Nietzsche, Immanuel Kant - every moral philosopher of note - but aside from Confucius (who, in the end, cared more about kindness than doing the right thing) and Nietzsche (who was a sort of anti-moralist) I have found not one of their arguments compelling. I escaped morality once, why would I want to shackle myself with a new pair of cuffs, even if they do fit better? I'm afraid that I would revert to being an pompous ass; a fanatic with a new creed, but still a fanatic. No, I will remain immoral. There is so much I haven't done yet. I don't want to leave this earth until I've tasted every sin, committed every crime, violated every taboo and experienced all there is to experience
