jp,
I agree with a lot of what you say on this topic of how people don't fully leave the cult and live in the in-between. I worked my ass off to alter myself and change my behaviors and I still feel like I can't function in the mainstream world. Okay, I have odd ideas and I'm not normal by a long shot. But ignoring that part... I have a hard time making friends. I can't get a decent job, mostly because I don't feel I am capable of it. There is just so much to overcome that it often feels like I never will overcome it and live the life everyone else takes for granted. That bar that mainstream people take for granted and is even low for them is set so high above what seems like an impossible accomplishment. It's just out of reach.
If only those people could see how far I've already come. And if only people coming out could see how much more they need to do than just to leave. But the leaving part is so hard and it weighs you down. You lose your family, every friend you ever had. Even if those people don't shun you, you lose them. At a certain point you just have to distance yourself from the people that were part of that. Sometimes it's because they are unhealthy, or you are. Sometimes it is because the memories you share are just too painful. Sometimes it is because they know you so well that you can't get away from your JW persona. There are lots of reasons, but I lost everyone I knew even though many of them have left.
I don't agree that shining a light on the dysfunctional beliefs is the way to get people out of the shadows. That is how help people at the initial stages of leaving the cult. I think we have to shine a light on the dysfunctional behaviors that we learned. I think we need to make a place where people feel safe to consider the possibility that they aren't as good as they want to be. We were taught that we were the special chosen few and our works and deeds were righteous and true. We lose so much when we leave... how the hell are we supposed to accept that we aren't even the good people we thought we were?
I didn't even shun people, or bring in anyone who got baptized, or indoctrinate my children. I don't have any guilt over the way that I treated people in the common JW belief system. It was an awful realization when I realized that the ways that I thought I was being a loving and kind individual were actually abusive and unkind. I can't imagine how hard that must be on top of the guilt others face for acting according to their beliefs.
And in the same way that people can only be helped to come out of the cult when they want to come out of the cult, we can only help people come 'out of the shadows' when they want to face the facts of what all is holding them back in the shadows. They aren't facing the cult then, but their own selves. Mirrors are most people's Achilles heel.