FayeDunaway - thank you for your kind words! Means a lot to me. It's taken this long to figure out your name - very clever! Now I smile whenever I see it.
LifesNotOver
JoinedPosts by LifesNotOver
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18
LifesNotOver - Part Four
by LifesNotOver inso ... i don't know if any of this is even of interest any more, i know i'm getting kinda bored with it :) so many other more interesting stories out there.
anyway, limped my way through 17 years being a jw until now.
not a good jw mind you.
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LifesNotOver
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18
LifesNotOver - Part Four
by LifesNotOver inso ... i don't know if any of this is even of interest any more, i know i'm getting kinda bored with it :) so many other more interesting stories out there.
anyway, limped my way through 17 years being a jw until now.
not a good jw mind you.
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LifesNotOver
Hello again. So ... I don't know if any of this is even of interest any more, I know I'm getting kinda bored with it :) So many other more interesting stories out there. Anyway, limped my way through 17 years being a JW until now. Not a good JW mind you. Oh, I always behaved myself ugh! , but never really got into it, never really believed, oh, I know - lukewarm and Jehovah would vomit me out or something?Nice, hey? Well, now I'm even lukewarm-er, bordering on cold. Oh, I know, I'm among those who have "cooled off", and I like it! And now I'm babbling.
I was slacking off meetings and service more and more until this past year I've been to only a handful of Sunday meetings at the Hall, never comment, no service whatsoever, no mid-week meetings. Just listen in on the phone and if it wasn't for my husband I wouldn't even do that. I can understand now why the pressure to do all that stuff, once you start to take a breather it feels so good you want more, and before long the mind-controlled mind starts to clear and you can start to think for yourself again, and you have the time to think, and you have the time to read other things and you have the time to find a support group such as this! They rob you of your time, they rob you of yourself until you're just an empty shell and they fill you up with their garbage and condemn you if you don't want to be a trash can, spewing your garbage everywhere and on everyone - oh my! - should I delete that last bit? There goes the old guilt trip again - be nice!
So, my husband is much more "in" than I ever realized. Because he constantly picked fault, I didn't think he'd be so hard-nosed about my findings. My mistake. He's digging in ever deeper. It was all about people's flaws, and minor things like him wanting to keep his beard, not anything deep like things to do with the Governing Body, or the teachings, or the bible. He can't even discuss my new thinking and my new feelings with me - he goes right off the deep end. I've written before about him yelling at me that I was an "Apostate Witch" and he couldn't live with an AW and he'd rather be dead so he rode off on his motorcycle to kill himself - he was back in 2 hours - yeah, I know. What can I say? He loses it sometimes!
So he's determined to be a better spiritual head, that he takes responsibility for letting me down. So now the elders have taken to dropping by, and my husband insisted we attend a family study group at someone's home the other night, and I'm getting these phone calls from concerned sisters. Argh!! My husband insists he hasn't said anything to anyone, and he probably hasn't said anything that will get me into trouble i.e. about this forum, but has said enough about me being "oh so discouraged" and depressed and in so much pain from my back, etc. that they've finally clued in that this "weak" sister is in danger of "falling away" and they could be held accountable by Jehovah for never befriending me all these years.
I know I keep writing with so many quotation marks, and that's because I don't want to sound like them anymore but need to when I write about it all.
I feel like I should be getting to the point of why I'm here. I keep writing and now it's like I've written myself into a corner. I want help and I want to contribute, but feel that without my background you won't be able to help. Although you've done remarkably well up to this point, thank you!
In a nutshell - I want out of this cult and my still-in husband doesn't want me out and has a conniption fit whenever the subject comes up. I'd disassociate if it wasn't for him, I'm just so sick of it! If I were to disassociate he'd be miserable and make my life a misery. Wait, no, maybe I wouldn't even jump through their hoops at all. Just stop having anything to do with them. I haven't made any so-called friends, so there'd be no one I'd miss. I have no family in the truth, never have. I don't have the option of separating from my husband or I might take that route too.. I did that several years ago, even divorced, but we remarried.
I know for some there's no hurry to solve this, but in my case I feel there is, because of my age and maybe my mental health. I don't want to spend much more time on fading or whatever, I want to start living and stop pretending I'm just "so depressed", all that brings on is more "encouragement" - encouragement! humbug! it's guilt-tripping and pressure pure and simple.
So how does one live a double life? I know there are many on here who are. I'm not being dramatic when I say I feel like I'm DYING inside, feel like I want to throw up, when I'm at a meeting (or even listening on the phone), or when newly-interested-in-me sisters phone and want to come by, or when newly-interested-in-me elders drop by, or when I join my husband in prayer, or when he wants to read the daily text together, or when we listen to the governing body's monthly blurb.
Right now, this minute, I wish my husband would simply walk out on me. It's harder to have him around than not. That's not possible though, he's too needy! Plus we'd both be in the poor house.
That's my rant for now. I would love to hear from anyone, positive posts only, please. I'm normally pretty strong, but very fragile right now. LifesNotOver
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Kids continue to leave in droves - so what is the organization's grand plan? This
by sir82 injws have one of the worst, if not the worst, retention rates among their kids.
i've seen numbers from 65% to 88% who leave, never to return.. you'd think this would be a priority amongst the leadership, right?
where do tomorrow's leaders come from, if the vast majority of kids leave the organization?
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LifesNotOver
I know! I know! Let them have facial hair (that's already happening), then tattoos, then dating, then ... ???
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LifesNotOver
Funny!! Do you have one for "Stop Thinking!"
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LifesNotOver - Part Three
by LifesNotOver ini just lost another long post - husband walked in!
this is very frustrating, but not your problem, it's mine!.
i was writing about how i was non-religious my entire life until my mid-fifties when i was nabbed!
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LifesNotOver
notalone - I have sent you a pm. Thanks!
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Why JW's Rave So Much About Conventions
by freemindfade in"it was so beautiful, we are truly blessed!
now, they also plaster these affirmations all over social media, "this is the best life", “so blessed”, “best convention”.. why the gushing?
have you ever heard anyone say, “mmmm it was ok”?
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LifesNotOver
Even if you tried to forget the Convention, there's always a rehash of it at some meeting several weeks later, where you're supposed to bring the notes you took HA! and bring the important points to mind. Then those who didn't take notes (or, HORRORS! didn't attend, like me) can be made to feel guilty guitier guiltiest! LNO
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LifesNotOver - Part Three
by LifesNotOver ini just lost another long post - husband walked in!
this is very frustrating, but not your problem, it's mine!.
i was writing about how i was non-religious my entire life until my mid-fifties when i was nabbed!
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LifesNotOver
I just lost another long post - husband walked in! This is very frustrating, but not your problem, it's mine!
I was writing about how I was non-religious my entire life until my mid-fifties when I was nabbed! Thought I had a good head on my shoulders, but goes to show you anyone can be indoctrinated I guess. I was too trusting, and was very lonely and depressed and fell for the whole loving "friends" and "family" line, well, hook line and sinker. I was barely in and already starting to doubt, certainly wasn't happy. I hated service, I hated having to comment at meetings, I used to love to read but quckly lost interest in reading the prescribed literature, never felt like I really belonged, the instant friends and family quickly faded away once I was baptized it seemed - okay, good, we got ourselves another sucker now let's get on with our own lives and if she has a beef, let's make her feel like it's her own fault, she's not spiritual enough. Now I'm starting to sound bitter, right?
My husband had been in the truth before I met him in the early 90's. It sounded like he'd never want to go back he had so many beefs, so I felt safe in marrying him. Little did I know how much of the JW thinking was still in him. When I expressed interest in finding spirituality (you know what I mean?) he suggested why don't I go to a meeting with him at the local Kingdom Hall. Next thing I knew, we were being studied with, and he was accepted back and I went along with it and was baptized 9 months later. That was 17 years ago. I've been miserable with feelings of guilt and never being good enough ever since. I never was one who took well to being told what to do, especially when it made no sense to me, and being told I had to think and feel and act this certain way or God wouldn't be pleased with me and he would kill me at Armageddon - well, I had a lot of issues with a lot of issues.
I should send this before I'm interrupted again. Thanks for reading! More to come ... you lucky people! LifesNotOver Never was a good little !!
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LifesNotOver - Part Two
by LifesNotOver inthanks for your welcomes so far.
just so you know, i have been on here before as "thereishope".
that was my first username here a month or so ago.
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LifesNotOver
Thanks for your welcomes so far. Just so you know, I have been on here before as "thereishope". That was my first username here a month or so ago. I just changed it a couple of days ago to LifesNotOver because I decided "thereishope" was too close to my username I'd used in other places that my husband was aware of and if he stumbled on this forum (or decided to check it out) he might recognize me and I didn't want him reading what I write. So if anyone's interested in what I've written the past month, you can find me as "thereishope", but from now on I'm "LifesNotOver".
I should be having an identity crisis by now, but I assure you I'm not. I DO know who I am!
"LifesNotOver" is my chosen username now because I'm 70 and was getting into feeling all sorry for myself because I have so many more yesterdays than I have tomorrows - and while I go through this journey of self-discovery as a fading and hopefully someday ex-JW, I want to be reminded constantly that life's not over until it's over, that I can enjoy the rest of my days or I can waste them - my choice!
Privacy gone again ... part three coming up soon. LifesNotOver
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Part One of what could be a long introduction
by LifesNotOver inhello - let me try to explain.
a couple of months ago or so i joined this forum, then shortly after checked out jwrecovery which seemed a better fit personally and joined them.
started to feel comfortable there and they closed, and i pouted for a while.
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LifesNotOver
Hello - let me try to explain. A couple of months ago or so I joined this forum, then shortly after checked out JWRecovery which seemed a better fit personally and joined them. Started to feel comfortable there and they closed, and I pouted for a while. Then came back here and started up again, feeling a little sheepish. Then thought I'd get a fresh start with a new forum that was just starting up and started reading there and thought about signing up. Oh my! My head was spinning! I suffer from "new kid on the block syndrome" anyway, and this was sure feeding into my insecurities.
And I only get short bursts of privacy to write, and this short time seems to be coming to an end already ie my husband is about to come in the door. to be continued in part two .... ps thanks for reading LifesNotOver
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new user name & bio
by LifesNotOver in"thereishope"| is now "lifesnotover" i wasn't able to simply sign out and register with a new user name as someone suggested, but thanks!
so i used a different email account when i went to register, and it worked.. i typed my story into bio-box but it wouldn't allow me to add it or update profile or whatever it's called.
lifesnotover .
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LifesNotOver
"thereishope"| is now "LifesNotOver" I wasn't able to simply sign out and register with a new user name as someone suggested, but thanks! So I used a different email account when I went to register, and it worked.
I typed my story into bio-box but it wouldn't allow me to add it or update profile or whatever it's called. Help with that, please?
LifesNotOver