Posts by ShaunaC

28

"For bodily devotion is beneficial for a l...

by LDH in

jw
friends

so along the line of other threads about mortality and every disease known and unknown to man, i pose a question:.

if you are an active jw, how much time per week do you spend on regular exercise (not the sunday afternoon softball game)?.

if you are an inactive or ex-jw, same question, only: how long did it take you to realize that regular exercise should be a part of your life to maintain/improve your health?.

ShaunaC

RHW, I love yoga too. A couple of years ago when I was newly free a friend begged me to do it with her after a kickboxing class we took. I still had the WT crap in my head and so shyed away. But at the beginning of this year I joined the gym again & decided to give it a try after so many people recommended it. Now I'm thoroughly addicted. It's great for flexibility. And it's a great way to unwind at the end of the day, especially after a vigorous workout. You don't realize how much you tense up without knowing it. You have to really think to fully relax all of your muscles, especially things like your jaw or neck.

When I was at my parents the other night we talked about working out. (My younger sister who is only 23 has ballooned up to about 190 lbs. Just 3 years ago she was at about 125) I let it slip that I was doing yoga. I wanted so badly to tell my mom she should do it. She has fibermyalgia (I know I didn't spell that anywhere near correct, sorry) and has a headache 24 hours a day. Her shoulders are hard as rock and she winces in pain if you even lightly touch them. She's used bio-feedback before as a way to control her pain but I think yoga would do her wonders. Oh well!

I was laughing at one of the earlier posts about the elder seeing the panties and counseling about it. It reminds me of an elder/pioneer in my hall who always talked to my hubby about some of my clothes (couldn't talk to me directly you know, had to talk to my head). He once complained that he could see my nipples through my shirt. I was wearing a bra, for god's sake! Get over it...women have nipples! After a while I figured out he was just a pervert always looking to find something a little racey. Gotta get your kicks someway, he was probably so sexually repressed and ready to burst! :|

Thanks for the memories of that. I needed the laugh!

15

Meet the Parents!

by ShaunaC in

jw
friends

well, i went to see my parents last night.

it was the first i had seen or spoken to my mother in over 8 months.

i also was able to see my nephew who is almost 2 and whom i haven't see in exactly a year.

ShaunaC

Thank you all for your comforting words. Wendy, I am so sorry about this commom situation being compounded by having kids involved. It shows no true love to inflict this punishment on innocent children. And as Riz said, it's the worse witness. Don't they think the kids won't remember how grandma treated them while growing up & know it was because of the WT?!! How stupid! My thoughts are with you!

Something you said really got to me, Happy. You explained how much you were still open with your parents. It seems that despite the strain, you have managed to maintain a closeness that enables you to speek so freely. Although my mom was my best friend up until I left 2 years ago, I don't think I ever really opened up to her about my true feelings. I was raised not to discuss your marital problems with anyone, which I extended to my mom. And of course I never explained my problems with the WT because I already knew the only responses I would get. So when I walked away from it all, it was a great shock to them. This even though my ex & I were living with them at the time to help them out financially.

I did write in a letter last May my reasons for not wanting to remain married and for chosing to leave the WT as well. (This was still before doctrinal issues came to the fore.)

At the only meeting we've had last August to specifically discuss me leaving, my dad expressed with anger his hurt at me not confiding in them about what was really going on. I tried to explain that I didn't feel I had the choice because the only thing they would tell me was to rely on Jah. That's not what I wanted to hear. And I suppose because I knew I was disappointing them I chose not to face them.

Other than this one talk, our meetings are very fake & superficial. They do not even say anything about me coming back. The subject is completely left alone. I guess that is another reason why, on another thread, I asked if I should have an all out honest talk with them about how I feel about the WT and the fact that I will never return. I was wrong not to explain things in the beginning. That's probably a big reason they hurt and punish me for it. I wonder if having the talk now would make a difference.

I would love to have the relationship that you have Happy. It seems like a good compromise on both parts. But perhaps in examining my relationship with them in the past, it never was as close as I led myself to believe. Maybe even that realization will help me not to be sad about not having it now.

Don't know much of what I'm saying. My brain is mush. Thank god it's Friday!!! :)

P.S.
TW, I promise to reply to your personal email soon. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I look forward to us talking more about it.

Edited by - ShaunaC on 16 March 2001 13:39:34

22

Their Time Will Come.....

by ISP in

jw
friends

despite an abundance of evidence that hits at the heart of the wts, it should be no surprise that many seem to ignore everything and continue.

you may wonder why particularly as many of us were in the wts and did not ignore the comprehensive mass of proof against the claims and teachings made.

typically brothers can enjoy themselves as elders.

ShaunaC

As ISP mentioned there are many reasons why a JW who know longer fully believes it is "the truth" is unable to leave the WT. Some have the typical personality traits that all cults prey on. They may have something in their life that creates a great need for the so-called worldwide brotherhood. Many just stay out of fear of not having anything else to go to. All of their family & friends are in the organization and they don't have the confidence nor strength to make it on their own.

ISP said that he thought that the time will eventually come for everyone. I'm not so sure. Many are not able or willing to break away due to the factors above. Some have been able to leave because of certain factors. Maybe they became a JW later in life and have family that are non-JW waiting for them. Perhaps they have not been such a goody-2-shoes JW and have made strong friendships in the world or maybe have a love interest helping them along. Still they may have friends who are ex's, perhaps even helping them to see the truth, awaiting for them to have a stronger relationship again.

But of those that are able to leave all they have to go to basically nothing or noone waiting for them on the other end, I wonder...

What gave them the strength to do it? Do you think that it takes a certain personality trait which enables them to muster the guts to walk?

I've been thinking about my own experience and that of a few other ex JW's who are very close to me. I have always considered myself a very amiable person. I'm certainly not very independent, in fact I'm more co-dependent than I'd like to admit. I do not naturally stand up for myself but would rather just suck it up so as not to cause problems with others. Too the acceptance & approval of others has always been very important to me, not just of my parents but strangly enough also from those in the cong. even though it irritated me to constantly live by their consciences & standards and not my own. So how did I, with this outlook on life, manage to muster the strength to walk away from it all to absolutely nothing on the other side. This is not a strength I feel I have at my diposal at other times when I need it, like when I need the courage to pursue my career or in relationships to others now.

In my case, as well as the other 2 women I'm close to, a major factor that contributed was the disolution of a marriage. But at the time I left I still believed this was "the truth" but that I was just unable to live under the pressure for awhile. Of course, if I knew then what I know now it would have been much easier to walk away. It makes me think of a brother from my cong. (Dick Williams) who is probably one the most intelligent men I've ever known. He is an ex missionary, Bethelite & elder. The man knows just too much stuff. When I was younger I thought his comments smacked of "look at me & all I know." But later I got to know him and its just that he studies and remembers things that most people don't. I think about him now and wonder how he could possibly still belong to the WT. It's not like he's a quiet person. He has had problems with elders because he sticks up for what is right and doesn't get involved with "cong. politics." The only thing I can think of is that he has the past life that creates his need for the organzition (he has adoption issues).

So what do you think? For someone who finds the strength to walk away from it all to have nothing at all, do they have a certain personality trait which enables them to do it? Or is it more a matter of circumstance? Does it have to be the correct combination of both at just the right time?

Just my thoughts...
Shauna

15

Meet the Parents!

by ShaunaC in

jw
friends

well, i went to see my parents last night.

it was the first i had seen or spoken to my mother in over 8 months.

i also was able to see my nephew who is almost 2 and whom i haven't see in exactly a year.

ShaunaC

Thanks Nate! Well, I don't think I'm being rather successful. But misery does love company. And you company has been great thus far. Kinda makes the "misery" worth while just to have met you. Thanks!

9

Hi, I'm new around here...

by Gianluca in

jw
friends

i have been lurking aroung here for quite some time and in enjoy this forum!!.

maybe i might contribute a few post in the near future.. best regards.

gianluca

ShaunaC

Fellow Newbie extending a hello! I look forward to getting to know you on the forum.

Shauna

15

Meet the Parents!

by ShaunaC in

jw
friends

well, i went to see my parents last night.

it was the first i had seen or spoken to my mother in over 8 months.

i also was able to see my nephew who is almost 2 and whom i haven't see in exactly a year.

ShaunaC

Well, I went to see my parents last night. It was the first I had seen or spoken to my mother in over 8 months. I also was able to see my nephew who is almost 2 and whom I haven't see in exactly a year. I got to see my younger sister too when she came by to pick up her kid.

All in all I guess it went okay. To my suprise they asked more about my life than I thought they would and not to my surprise they didn't ask enough to show they really cared about what was going on in my life. After teh wide variety of advice I received on how to handle things (thank to all btw), I decided not to reveal too much of myself unless they asked. It's not like I didn't share anything with them. I told them how I was going to Costa Rica in 7 weeks, my boyfriend Nick had shoulder recnstructive surgery lst Sept., about his brothers new baby. But these conversations were just spun off of things they were talking about.

I did tell them I was moving to Monterey when my dad asked if I was still traveling back & forth almost every weekend to see Nick. They didn't ask for many specifics other than to inquire about what I was going to do for work. Later my mom asked why I was moving & I simply told her it was because I was tired of a long distance relationship.

When I left I hugged them and thanked them for inviting me over. They made no mention of doing it again, nor did they inquire when I was specifically moving so that they could see me before I go. Oh well. You take what you can get, right? It was all worth it though just to see my nephew. He is so cute, talking and running around all over the place. He even gave me a kiss goddbye when he left. What's funny is that when talking about him they all told me how clumsy he is. In fact, he sat on the couch with me and had to point out to me all of his ouchies. They all mentioned how he was just like me in that respect. When I was a young kid my family went camping and I spilled my drink at every meal all week long. I didn't grow out of it either, as a teenager I spilled a 32 oz. Bilg Gulp in the same spot on the carpet in the living room over a span of years. It kinda makes me feel good that despite me not having much to do with his life, he's got some of my qualities (albeit not the greatest ones) that can remind my family of me all the time.

It's wierd that although it went alright, I almost felt worse afterwards. Like it's something within your grasp you can't have. It feels like a tease because I know no matter how much they relax in their treatment of me, I will never have the extremely close relationship I once had. Not unless they miraclously left "the truth," (yeah, when hell becomes hot!) I've just come to realize and accept that although they are still & will always be my parents, my father & mother, they are no longer my mom & dad. How sad!

On the drive home I called Nick to tell him how it went. He tries to be so upbeat about it, telling me to remember how much they love me. Of course his tune sorta changed when he asked if they asked about him or said to say hello to him and I had to admit they did not at all. Mind you, they met him in person over a year ago when we had them to my house & made them dinner. (this was after my dad refused to let me take them out to diner because he told me he couldn't be seen with me in public, lest it might stumble someone!) Nick has also called my parents without me knowing, begging for them to mend their relationship with me, asking if there was anything he could do to help. He has spoken to my mother twice, both times for over an hour. And he just spoke to my dad about 4 months ago. He was very hurt that they would be so rude and not ask how he was doing or even extend a hello. Poor guy, he's got more obstacles to overcome than Ben Stiller did in Meet the Parents. (great movie!)

Anyway, sorry to babble on about this. I'm really not even looking for a reply from anyone...just wanted to get it off my chest. Glad I'm headed to Monterey tomorrow...I desperately need a hug from Nick!

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Shauna

24

ok. i'm registered now. the party can begin.

by RedhorseWoman in

jw
friends

welcome, riz, glad to have you with us.

ShaunaC

Hi Riz! My first post was just a few days ago and the first person to respond, very lovingly and with much understanding by the way, was Nate. So any friend of his is definitely worth pursuing a friendship with as well. Besides, I'm always excitied to meet a new 20's something, not that I don't appreciate all you older ones! :-)

So welcome! Look forward to getting to know you!

Shauna

14

Is therapy the answer?

by ShaunaC in

i just finished reading the thread started by seven regarding therapy.

i saw that many of you have gone to counseling as well.

still others are cautious about it.

ShaunaC

I just finished reading the thread started by Seven regarding therapy. I saw that many of you have gone to counseling as well. Still others are cautious about it. So to those who have gone to therapy and especially those who work in and around the field...

Do you think receiving therapy is important to someone dealing with the affects of leaving a cult like JW's? I do not have the serious issues that many others do such as rape or other forms of abuse. However, I have for the past year been on rollercoaster waves of depression. This is of course due to a variety of factors...1) learning how to trust myself and my decisions and not always wait for the decisions of others; 2) being afraid and uncomfortable of not having my entire life planned out like it was as a JW; 3) what I would call "woman's issues" from being in a cult that hindered a woman from truly growing into her own person; and 4) of course the pain from abandonment by my family because of shunning.

It's not that I can't logically see why I have these feelings. It's not that I don't know that they are completely natural and just part of a process I have to go through. Yet, having that understanding hasn't been able to stop the uncontrollable crying for hours on end that comes upon from time to time.

Do you think that therapy is important for even these issues? Or is it wiser to pursue other avenues such as reading self-help books? If so, which ones would you suggest? Or should I just be patient and allow myself to go through the motions and not dwell on finding any sort of help?

I know many have dealt with this before, so any recommendations or personal experience would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for listening!

Shauna

7

Introducing myself...& need advice...

by ShaunaC in

jw
friends

my name is shauna and this is my first post here.

in short, i am 26 years old and have been df'd for a little over 2 years.

i come from a strong and long jw heritage (6 generations).

ShaunaC

Nate,

Thank you for your reply. We seem to be on the same wavelength and I appreciate that.

I somewhat began this process last May when I wrote my parents a letter. I tried to explain to them that I appreciated how I was raised but that I didn't agree with it and didn't want to live it any more. They focused more on what it meant for them than what I was saying about the organization and/or God. At that time I had not yet found the internet or read COC, so I didn't say too much about reasons why I didn't believe things or even that I didn't think it was the truth. Those 2 factors I think causes them to proceed with the treatment.

I am prepared, and have been preparing myself since that letter, to live indefinitely without them. I have only spoken to my mother that one time in August since that letter. So I'm already well on the road to moving on parentless. At this point it means more to me to feel good about who I am and not be afraid to show who I am to anyone.

I did want to ask you how you had the talk. Was it something that just naturally came up or did you have to actually prepare for it and make an appointment to do it?

Anyway, thanks for sharing your experience. It does help. And by the way, CONGRATS on the marriage. I wish you much happiness!

Shauna

7

Introducing myself...& need advice...

by ShaunaC in

jw
friends

my name is shauna and this is my first post here.

in short, i am 26 years old and have been df'd for a little over 2 years.

i come from a strong and long jw heritage (6 generations).

ShaunaC

Hi all! My name is Shauna and this is my first post here. In short, I am 26 years old and have been Df'd for a little over 2 years. I come from a strong and long JW heritage (6 generations). I won't bore you with the long story, but if you would like to know it, I posted on H20 a few weeks ago which Randy at Freeminds linked to his site. It is in the latest news under "the shunning of Shauna."

Besides to say a proper hello, I am posting today to ask your advice. I have had a very strained relationship with my family since my departure from the organization. Typical, I know. My problem is compounded by the fact that I ended a marriage at the same time I left being a JW, I lived the ideal JW life (baptized at 12, pioneer at 16, married to a servant at 18, used a lot in assembly parts) so my leaving was quite a shock to everyone, and my father is the PO of the cong. I last attended. My dad feels he has to set the highest of example for the cong., so he is careful not to do anything that would be a stumbling block to even the most self-righteous, sensitive person. My mother...well we were once best friends, but she is a manipulative person (often teased for being the Jezebel woman in the cong.) and is intent on punishing me to the greatest degree she can. I have not seen or spoken to her since last August, nor am I real excited to.

My dad wants me to come over to their house this week. They watch my younger sister's baby and want me to come visit. (That's another story...wasn't allowed to come to the hospital when he was born, sister wouldn't accept gifts from me and wouldn't let me see him till he was a month old. He's almost 2 and I've seen him maybe 5 times.)

Anyway...I get a lot of advice on how to deal with my family. Many encourage me to fake it, say I'm still figuring things out, giving them the impression that I still think it might be "the truth" and may come back. But this seems so ridiculous to me! One of the main reasons Witnesses shun is to shock, guilt and persecute them back. Don't you think it would be better to spell it out that you will never come back so their shunning is pointless?

My question over this comes from a conversation with my mother's sister who left about 15 years ago. She was Df'd but was reinstated and then quietly slipped away. My grandmother still enforced shunning, although albeit much milder than I receive, until years later my aunt finally told her the absolute truth...that she didn't belive it was the truth, that there was no Armageddon, that she didn't even believe in God anymore. It was at that point my grandmother stopped having hope of her return and just dealt with her simply as her daughter. Of course, they are not as close as they could be if both JW's, but she says there is an obvious difference. Yet, I don't even think my aunt knows for sure if it was coming clean about her true feelings or if it was just the passage of time that made the difference.

I am fine with not having this conversation yet with my parents but feel at some point I will have to. I don't want to fake who I am now and don't think I have to feel the least bit guilty of the life I'm now enjoying and the path of understanding I'm on. Until they see how happy I am in my new life and know from my own mouth that I will NEVER, EVER come back, I think they will continue to use the shunning as a tactic to get me back. I know having this talk will make things worse for a while but think it would be advantageous in the long run.

So...what do you think? Should I have this kind of conversation with my parents? If so, how do I proceed? What should I say to let them know definitely that I don't agree with it anymore but not say anything to make things worse?

I'm moved to ask these things today because of my impending meeting with them. When I see them I will be telling them that I am moving away to a new town. More than that, I'm moving in with my boyfriend. I'm somewhat hoping that I just get the look of disgust. But if a lecture starts coming, I don't think I will be able to hold my tongue. I'm going to stick up for myself and what I believe is right for me. But I can easily be swayed by emotions, so I want to have my thoughts on how to handle this ahead of time so I don't end up saying things that would cause even more problems.

One more thing, it has been suggested to me that maybe the right thing to do is limit contact with them as much as possible. That's not a hard thing to do since they have never initiated contact with me in the past 2 1/2 years until my dad did recently. If it's not a good idea to have "the talk", I also am tired of having such a fake reltionship with them, not able to talk about anything in my life...so would you advise just leaving them alone until they finally come to terms with it and take the initiative to contact me? If I can't be open & honest then the onery person in me would rather just walk away and wait for them to come beg to talk to me. I'm tired of the other way around! Yet, I don't want them to be able to use that against me. And I know they would, especially my mother.

I just hate that they still hold all the cards. I need to have some real control over this issue and feel good about it. Any suggestions and personal experiences would be very much appreciated!

Sorry to be so long. Thanks for listening. And hi!

Shauna

P.S.
LDH, I promise to try and call you this week. Maybe we could get together for lunch.