Hello (((Poppy))), and welcome.
I would like to emphasize 'bythesea's' suggestion that you read the two books written by Raymond Franz.
The first is CRISIS OF CONSCIENCE "The sturggle between loyalty to God and loyalty to one's religion. A penetrating view of a relition's supreme council and their dramatic power over human lives. by Raymond Franz, former member of the Governing Body of Jehovah's Witnesses."
The second is IN SEARCH OF CHRISTIAN FREEDOM "The issues raised and options discussed herein, although relating particularly to the structure of Jehovah's Witnesses, are not so very different from issues other Christians have faced and continue to face when they seek to reconcile considrations of conscience, loyalty, responsibility and freedom."
Possibly find them in your Public Library, or they can be ordered from http://www.commentarypress.com
From my own experience, I am sure, at your point in life, that they will help you a great deal.
talley/Judy