Dear Struggle,
(from thinker)
Let me try to summarize what evryone has been saying.
The WTBTS claims to be the only true channel between Jehovah and man and no one can know God's wishes except the GB. According to them, you cannot pray to Jehovah one-on-one and have Him guide your life DIRECTLY.
Most of us here reject that for various reasons.
My question to you is "Does this make sense to you?"
Can you as an individual be guided by God without any "middle man" ?
It seems you currently feel that Jehovah and Jehovah's organization are one and the same. You feel that forgiveness from Jehovah requires forgiveness from the elders. To you, loyalty to the org. means loyalty to Jehovah.
Is it the organization who wants you to stay loyal or is it Jehovah?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to change your beliefs. I only want to understand where those beliefs come from, Jehovah or the WTBTS? If you prayed to God and He has guided you to stay in the organization then do so. I only want your assurance that it's Jehovah that's guiding you on an individual basis. On the other hand, most of us here believe it's possible to leave the JW's and still have a relationship with God. Only YOU and God know what's right for you.
It's a major decision and the organization makes it very tough. Do they make it so hard because it's God's will or do they only want to maintain their numbers?
I wish you the best in whatever you decide. I think we all feel upset about the pain you are experiencing.
thinker