troubled

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Posts by troubled

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  5

  Update for SixofNine

  by troubled in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  hi sixofnine,.

  yes, i think my depression is getting a little better.

  i think alot of it is that i've finally been able to admit to myself, to my therapist, and to my one nonjudgmental friend at the hall that i do indeed have some spiritual concerns and doubts.

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  troubled

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  5

  Update for SixofNine

  by troubled in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  hi sixofnine,.

  yes, i think my depression is getting a little better.

  i think alot of it is that i've finally been able to admit to myself, to my therapist, and to my one nonjudgmental friend at the hall that i do indeed have some spiritual concerns and doubts.

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  troubled

  Hi SixofNine,

  Thanks for asking how I am. Yes, I think my depression is getting a little better. I think alot of it is that I've finally been able to admit to myself, to my therapist, and to my one nonjudgmental friend at the Hall that I DO INDEED have some spiritual concerns and doubts. But now that I've accepted that, it's not quite as scary as before.

  For a long time, I couldn't admit or accept that I had doubts, questions, or disagreed with anything the F&DS said. And if I caught myself thinking or feeling that way, I would feel so guilty and disloyal to Jehovah. Like I was a horrible, wicked person if I didn't accept everything that was said from the platform. So it was just too scary to let doubts surface.

  Right at the instant a doubt or uncomfortable feeling would come up, I would catch them and shove them down again, almost before I was even conscious of it. At even the slightest twinge of discomfort or feeling of disagreeing with something, I would tell myself "No I don't. No I don't." But it was all kind of automatic, like when a person drives a car on "autopilot." I didn't even realize I was doing that to myself. But looking back, I can see now that I was twisting my own reality, which eventually just led to my breakdown.

  I didn't just practice denial with JW-related stuff. I did it with everything uncomfortable or negative I felt or thought in my life. I just wanted to think and do good things all the time as much as I could. And not ever think bad or mean things. I never learned as a child how to handle negative emotions, and in the Truth, I thought I shouldn't have any. So I just plain tried not to. I mean, I've always wanted to be a good person.

  I guess this denial was a self-protective thing. Because to admit I had grave spiritual concerns would be too much to handle, and then what would I do? But now that I've worked through some of my other issues in therapy, I seem to be able to accept and focus on the spiritual one now. Just being able to start openly accepting my feelings and thoughts as they come up is a tremendous relief!

  I don't always like what I see in myself, but at least I'm being real now. At least to myself. And my goal is to be able to live and express myself truthfully and honestly with everyone, eventually.

  Even though I still feel alot of guilt, it is less intense than before. I am more able to accept that there's nothing wrong with having questions and wanting to find out answers! It's not that I hate the WTBTS. I still love Jehovah and want to do what's right. I just need to live with my eyes open now. That's all.

  Please don't think I blame the WTBTS for all my depression problems. Much of it had to do with childhood stuff, and my own way of (not) handling negative thoughts and emotions. My tendency to be a people pleaser. My reluctance to see anything bad, etc. All that was ingrained way before I ever became a Witness. But when you combine some of the things I saw happening in the congregation with my own inability to acknowledge and deal with those feelings, eventually everything just kind of erupted. So it was a complicated thing.

  Oh yeah. My doctor also switched me from Zoloft to Effexor. That seems to have lessened my constant guilt over everything. So if my posts seem different, that might be part of the reason!

  Sorry my messages are always so long when I post. I hope this made sense.
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  16

  Why do loyal dubs post here

  by Room 215 in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  this issue, of course, has been raised before.

  of course there's no one simple reason.

  arrogance, i'm sure plays a role -- the ones that feel the wts counsel to avoid dialogue with opposers is meant for the ``weaker ones'' and cannot possibly apply to someone as well-grounded and mature as they.. it may be a tacit acknowledgement that the society's arguments against debate are specious.

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  troubled

  In my post yesterday (about pedophiles) I was questioned about my goals (reasons) for being here. See my reply, if you're interested.
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  12

  Missed you guys, had "The Talk" with ...

  by reagan_oconnor in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  it's been about a month since i posted... sorry to stay away so long.. many of you are aware that my parents stopped speaking to me last year, and the only time i've seen them in a year is when my dad had a heart attack.

  i got an e-mail from my mom that asked how i "felt about their religion" since i'm celebrating holidays.. i sat down with mom on saturday and told her that regardless of our differences in beliefs, that we're still family, and that will never change.

  i told her that i understand that she's conflicted because of her beliefs, and that it's been difficult for her.

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  troubled

  Hi Reagan,

  Thanks for your post. I've read several of them and have found them very thought-provoking.

  I think you were very loving toward your mom. That must have been difficult, as you say they haven't spoken to you but once in the last year. I'm sure that has caused alot of pain for you. Yet you handled her with love and honesty. I really respect you for that. It couldn't have been an easy thing.

  Regarding your ex doing research and your mom making the statement about apostate literature: Yup, any kind of evidence brought up about wrongdoing in the WTBTS is automatically considered "apostate." People want to jump back like they've been burned on the stove. It's so sad. That's why I'm so afraid to come forward with anything. I know it will be considered rebellion, rather than disillusionment and honest questioning.

  I have just one friend in the Hall I can honestly talk to about this. We're doing research and discussing some of the stuff I've found on the Net.

  But it's crazy, the way we have to sneak around and hiding the info from our husbands, like we're criminals. Two middle-aged women feeling like ashamed and guilty spies, disloyal simply because we want to READ something and weigh both sides.

  Sometimes, I think I am just going nuts.
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  76

  Why Are You Here?

  by larc in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  the question, "why are you here?

  " is simple enough, and your answer may be straightforward.

  however, when i asked that of myself, i find that my answer is pretty complicated.

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  troubled

  Waiting,

  Thanks for the input. I also appreciate the honesty of folks who post here.

  (Don't know why you referred to me as JW83 tho. That must be someone else.)
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  76

  Why Are You Here?

  by larc in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  the question, "why are you here?

  " is simple enough, and your answer may be straightforward.

  however, when i asked that of myself, i find that my answer is pretty complicated.

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  troubled

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  76

  Why Are You Here?

  by larc in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  the question, "why are you here?

  " is simple enough, and your answer may be straightforward.

  however, when i asked that of myself, i find that my answer is pretty complicated.

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  troubled

  I am here because I recently went through a terrible depressive episode where I became very ill and, in the process, began counseling and started realizing that my problems were not only the result of childhood issues, but also events playing out in my life now (including my life as a JW).

  During the period of my depression, I suddenly went from being a happy, active JW with regular association to an isolated outcast in the congregation. Not because people didn't like me, but because they didn't understand depression, didn't take it seriously, or knew it was serious but didn't want to get involved. I understand that, and I don't feel bitter (well, not much!) But it has been lonely.

  I thank Jehovah every day for the 2 friends who have stood beside me. Of those, only 1 friend is open to hearing about my counseling sessions and discussing with me my concerns about the WTBTS. I have mailed her several items I've found on this and other websites. We talk about them privately. She is also concerned about many of the same issues, but we have not figured out, as yet, what to do about what we've found out. Right now, we are in the "researching" stage.

  On the Internet, I have found some items to be false or exaggerated (i.e., Watchtower Society owns Bomb Factory and WTBTS Supports Swaggert), but many items have been completely true. One of my biggest concerns is the issue of child sexual abuse.

  I guess to sum it up, I'm here because I need to see both sides of the issue. Of course, like any organization, the WTBTS only publishes the good experiences, and not the bad. I need to do as much research as possible, both pro and con. I need to figure out what led me to such a severe breakdown and how I need to change my life to prevent a further episode. I need to figure out what part of my problems may be linked to or exaggerated my my life as a JW, and what I can do to be healthier. And of course, I want to please Jehovah.

  At present, I'm not sure what He'd have me do. I'm still applying the P-A-S-S word (prayer, association, study, service). But I know something needs to change. The P-A-S-S word is a good one, but it didn't prevent my breakdown. Nor does it answer the troubling questions that plague my heart and mind.

  I'm also here to vent. I don't want to overload the one person I can talk to!!! Though most here are ex-JW, it helps to occasionally read a post from someone in my shoes (still active JWs, but no longer seeing with rose-colored glasses and willing to face and discuss difficult questions head-on).

  I hate the name calling, swearing, and insulting on the threads. Since I am a JW, it upsets me to see posts that openly slam and use hateful language toward Jehovah and JWs as a group. The amount of negativity has made me seriously consider abandoning this website for good. But I try to remind myself that many of the people here have been terribly hurt by the organization. I know hurt often is expressed as anger. So I try to understand that. And despite the verbal battles, I've learned a great deal of helpful information and have also witnessed words of compassion, respect, and concern.

  It's hard sometimes dealing with the guilt, for posting. (Wondering if I'm now an enemy of God because I have chosen to correspond with "apostates.") The sad thing is, I can't talk to other JWs about it. I agree that people who have never been JW can't really fully understand the emotional/mental/spiritual dynamics involved in seeing an organization you put your trust in and based your whole life around suddenly revealed in a different light. For me, it turns my whole world upside down.

  Sometimes I think I've just always been too naive and trusting. I've always had a tendency to see everything with "rose colored glasses." And taking those glasses off has been both shocking and painful.

  I know part of it is my fault. My unrealistic expectations. I've always known intellectually that the org wasn't perfect. But in my heart, I guess I expected more.

  Y'know, when I entered counseling, the ONE thing I thought I had a handle on, the ONE thing that seemed still stable in my life was the Truth. And now, that foundation that I'm standing on is wobbling. It's a scary feeling. I still love Jehovah and want to be a JW, but I can't pull the veil back down regarding what I've seen.

  So here I am, reading, venting, researching, and praying. Trying to keep an open mind and buying time, hoping eventually things will come together and I'll know how to proceed from here.

  Sorry my message was so long.
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  12

  The naive JW and the naive apostate.

  by dmouse in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  im sure you have heard comments like these from naive jws:.

  the society never said that armageddon would come in 1975, it was just a few brothers who went over the top.

  (so you dont remember the watchtower article why are you looking forward to 1975?

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  troubled

  Voltaire,

  Thanks for your comments. I too am still "in," though I acknowledge the problems within.
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  7

  Confidential Letter from The Watchtower

  by Kent in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  confidential letter from the watchtower bible & tract society .

  this letter was sent to "all bodies of elders in the united states" juli 1.

  1989. i guess many will find the content extremely interesting!.

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  troubled

  An online library of BOE letters would be very helpful to me as well! I know they can be found here and there, but to have them all together in one accessible place would be great.
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  47

  "Special" meeting in October?

  by Esmeralda in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  question.

  my mother told my husband that there is to be a 'special meeting' in october at the local sports arena (same place as dc's are held here) and that "only publishers are allowed to attend" that they will get "special cards" for admission from their local congregation and have to hand them in to get into the building.

  i have no idea if this has anything to do with the "annual meeting" they always have (isn't that generally in october?

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  troubled

  Does anybody know what the special meeting is about?