Maybe I'm possessed or something because when ever I see tasteless crap like that clock I just want to destroy it!
You're an evildoi'n persecuta of the true believer is what you is! Repent now and help me start my new church or spend eternity stoking the fires of Hell
:::
Buddy Christ Dashboard Deity:
Dogma?
If nodding head dogs are just too passé and woolly dice too rustbucket, steer yourself to the divine alternative – at just $12.95. All together now: "Buddy, you can drive my car. Beep, beep, beep, beep – YEAH!"
Jehovah Jesus and Holy Spirit Lego Set:
Buy the astonishing, theologically incorrect Holy Trinity three-pak ("made from 100% LEGO parts") and then prepare for a lifetime explaining to your children and grandchildren how the Holy Ghost isn't really a ghost, as such, but, er, well, more like, er...
Nail of Jesus:
In Bethlehem the child was born to bring God's love to earth,
And angels sang and shepherds came to praise Him at His birth.
But when the child became a man, the praise soon ceased to be.
And with their hearts all filled with hate, men nailed Him to a tree.
Darwin Fish Bumper Badge:
The Knitted Testement:
A true gadget for God has to pass two critical tests.
Firstly, two cultures must clash – amply demonstrated here as the Last Supper of Jesus Christ, Son of God, meets size 9 knitting needles. Secondly, we need to imagine someone, somewhere, delighting in the gadget's creation. Can't you just picture it? A sweet old lady, sitting in front of a TV soap, calling out to a relative: "When I've finished Judas I'll be right with you, dear. Now then, knit one, purl one..."
Pat's Patterns offers you, "Jesus, the 12 disciples, the bread, the plates, the wine goblets and wine jug... the full colour pattern for just £3.99." Amen. Knit this in remembrance of me.
The Leprechauns' Bible:
If the 110-foot high Jesus the Hot Air Balloon impressed you for sheer scale, how about this at the opposite end of the spectrum? ICG printers of Cheltenham, England, have printed the entire Bible on a single page, measuring 15" by 21".
Each letter is 100th of an inch high and can be read when magnified 12 times. So now even under-evangelised Lilliputians and Irish leprechauns can come under the sound of the gospel. On sale for £7 a sheet (magnifying glass not included).
His Land is Your Land!:
You've already got miracle-working soil in your insoles – but perhaps that isn't quite enough to fulfil the dreams of a lifetime. "For thousands of years, believers have longed for the experience of being a part of the Holy Land,' gushes Holy Land Parcels Ltd of Jerusalem. 'Now, for the first time in 2000 years, you may fulfill this dream..."
For just £25, Holy Land Parcels will sell you a "symbolic plot of land" in the Hills of Galilee with a "breathtaking view of the Sea of Gennesaret" (Luke 5:1). The actual size of your land might prove a tad disappointing. One square inch. Some advice, then, if you travel to Israel to stand on your own exclusive piece of God's own country – pack a pogo stick.
Jesus Night Lamp:
"How would you like this night light in your bedroom?" I asked my seven-year-old daughter.
"Not much," she said, screwing up her nose.
"But it's Jesus, the Light of the World."
"Ummm... it's his arm I don't like. It's weird."
"That could be for the children. He could be asking them: 'How many fingers have I got on this hand?'"
Unimpressed silence.
"Or he could be showing them how to operate an evangelistic glove puppet..."
Deep frown, then: "Nah, not that arm, silly, the other one. It looks like he's broken it, put it in a sling and hidden it under his shirt. Why would Jesus want to hide a broken arm? Can't he heal it, or something?"
The 5.25" high Jesus night lamp in white bisque ceramic, selling at $12.95, will, I fear, have to wait patiently for another owner.
The Bible Belt:
How many times have you watched while the worship leader in your church has raised his hands skywards in praise to the Lord, only for his trousers to slide to his ankles at the same moment? Never? Me neither... but I live in hope. Watch and pray, dear brethren.
Tragically, a new product on the market may prevent such a wonder ever taking place at all. The Bible Belt, available from Malcolm White Productions for only $20, features a handsome buckle, enabling you to wear your fundamentalism with pride. Says one satisfied customer: "Lord have mercy, who among us has not heard of the Bible Belt all our cotton-pickin' lives? But nobody thought of making one to wear around one's waist until Malcolm White came along. God bless him! Praise the Lord! Send me three more size 40s, Malcolm!"
Gone to See Dad T Shirt:
What are kool young Kristians wearing today? For a t-shirt you could wear with pride almost anywhere, why not order this fabulous leisure item from Sonrise Christian Wear for your church's entire youth group? Made from heavyweight cotton, the back shows a note pinned to a cross, bearing the following life-enhancing message...
Gone to see Dad.
We're fixin' a place for you.
Be back soon to pick you up.
Jesus
This crease-free, theology-free item is yours for only $15.95
The Miracle Mug:
"My cup runneth over," exclaimed David in his hit Psalm, No. 23. But now, thanks to Berg Christian Enterprises, my cup not only runneth over, but changeth colour, too. Simply add a hot beverage to one of these miracle mugs and the scene, showing a city skyline or clouds, changes dramatically to reveal – the second coming of Christ!
Just imagine it: a simple cup of coffee becomes a moment of repentance. As Berg Enterprises says: "Everyone who sees it is profoundly affected when they watch the amazing transformation of the large 12oz. cup. This is truly a 'conversation piece' that is worth talking about, time and time again."
There are several styles of mug, but especially effective are "The King is Coming" and "A Thief in the Night", shown above. Only $14.98, including gift box.
_____________________ Most ex JW's dream of starting their own religion. Well why not make the business portable ?
Digital Hyminal:
Get rid of troublesome organist problems and get your church on song for the 21st century with the Digital Hymn Player. Undoubtedly the technological innovation of the 1990s, this ecclesiastical karaoke player is briefcase-friendly and keyboard-free.
At the touch of a remote control button, Digital Hymnal instantly launches into any one of 3000 hymns stored inside on a miracle microchip. Special features include an optional 'Amen' button to bring each rendition to a fitting close. An extra button for Toronto-style barking is reportedly in the pipeline.
Communion/Memorial Wine Dispenser:
With hordes of unfamiliar faces in church each Christmas, and the deacons engaged in virtually round-the-clock communion wine-glass filling, what better present to slip into their stockings than the new rapid-fill communion wine dispenser?
This baby can prepare as many as 240 cups per minute – or so boasts the Houston-based company which makes them. Even better: "This machine can fill 5,000 to 6,000 communion cups in 20 minutes without any spillage and has been a tremendous asset to our ushers' ministry," according to a satisfied customer. Drive-through communion, anyone?
Millenial Confessional:
Those traditional, draughty, musty-smelling sin bins had better say their prayers. Genuflex of Venice have made penance a pleasure with their new Millennium Confessionals.
Gone is the traditional wooden chair or stool. Instead, the priest can sink into a black leather armchair. At his side is an electronic console to regulate the temperature, dim the lighting and adjust the sound-proofing. Yes, sound-proofing. According to Paolo Lion, Genuflex's managing director: "You can scream to your heart's content – even kill the priest – and no one outside would be any the wiser." Cost? "Up to £4,000."
Inflatable Church:
Hot air and churches have a long, interwoven history, but it took Mike Gill from Southampton finally to bring them together. The world's first inflatable church, which cost a cool £15,000 to make, is 47ft high from ground to steeple and includes a blow-up organ, altar, pulpit, pews, candles and "stained glass" windows. But sadly, when we spoke to Mike recently, nobody had yet hired it for what it is intended – wedding services, at a cost of up to £2,000 a go.
"If the bride and groom are called Ann and Peter, then we can call the church St Peter or St Ann, so they can even put that on the invitation," he ventured. Er, ye-es... Perhaps someone should tell Mike that people like admiring, discussing and criticising churches. Actually going inside them is, however, another matter.
Inflate your wedding! Click here! Thanks be to Simon Grimes of Australia for alerting us to Inflatable Church.
The Flying Cathederal:
The inflatable church in last year's 12 Days of Kitschmas was a triumphant coming together of the church and hot air. But this year's soaraway offering makes last year's ground-based, sacred inflatable so... 2002.
Kubicek Balloons, from the Czech Republic, have blown us away with the world's first flying cathedral. Its purpose? Evangelism, maybe? Social justice? A greater understanding between ethnic communities?
Living, as we do, in the age of showbiz, there's only one legitimate purpose – publicity. As Kubicek announce, in admirable and wonderfully broken English: "That evening and the next day domestic and foreign media are richer with information about the birth of a flying church. The balloon even has not reached its destination and it has already been the subject of publicity all over the world! The customer is very satisfied."
Order your very own flying cathedral! (Flying Bishops only may apply.) Click here
Link: Ship of Fools
