Thank you for you sympathies over my mom,,,,,,,it means the world to me. I came to this place and was allowed for the first time in all those years to have so many to talk about it with. For the first time I was allowed to grieve, something the elders cautioned me on so many times , when I got depressed, you know how they say, we don't grieve like the "world" does, and Jehovah will take care of it all in time. But I had my life to live, I couldnt wait another 17 years , it ate me up inside........my own sorrow, the guilt, the pain. I had suffered from depression myself for years ,probably the same damn thing she went thru and finally I understood what she was going thru and it was a damn dark place I never want to go thru and waste years in.
I will say that I have went thru all the range of emotions also over her suicide. Not sure if she really did, even wondering if my father who was an elder about to be d/f for an affair might have talked her into jumping, or did it himself,,,,,,,still wonder about that.....he got a huge life insurance on her that got him out of trouble with the IRS. I thought she was cruel, I thought she was crazy,,I then went to blaming myself. I stayed at that place for along time.
I have had more people who didnt know her, from here, to shed tears for her , that felt the pain of it all so much more than any of the witnesses ever did. No one came to her funeral , no witness in good standing........this was in 1985,,,,,,,so things were not as sympathic to suicides , they have (JW) have seemed to have gotten a little more sympathic about it. No flowers, no cards, nothing, and me and hubby were active , good standing jw's, and they couldnt show up for us. Some wanted to but felt they couldnt, or they would be in trouble.
That hurt me so bad, the little things,,,,,,,like no flowers at her grave, no "Brother"(puke on that term), would give her funeral talk, we had to hire a justice of the peace we knew to do a witness outline for her.
She died, thinking she had committed the unforgiveable sin,,,,,,,she thought since she caused so much pain on my sister and me, my father didnt love her for it all anymore, the prescription drug abuse, that she couldnt be loved by Jehovah anymore. She was ate up with guilt and no one , not a single elder came to see her in rehab, no questions of repentance,,,,,like there should be anyway for sickness. They sent her a cold two line letter in the mail stating she had been d/f .
I know for a fact she was despondant,,,,,she was full of grief, and saw no way out. The pain was too much. I have been in that dark place and you just dont see things right. I dont even think she was selfish or unloving anymore , I know she was in pain.