FW,
I hope you are well. I too have been where you are...in fact once you get there there is no way out except by lying to yourself. What I have learned though is to live with it. I came to question everything I believed or was supposed to believe according to what I was taught as a JW.
I now no longer accept something as truth. In order for me to buy in to something I seek demonstrated reality which can be backtested. I will not invest time, effort or money in something which simply "sounds good". I question (without answers) the existence of god. I find no evidence of such a being - and just because things in the world seem pretty or glorious doesn't mean there is a god....all I know is that somethings in the world are pretty or glorious...it is not a logical next step for me to assume there is a god.
Does this lead me to have a meaningless existence? That is a tough question for me...the answer if I think long enough and honestly enough is YES. But then I think of others who claim to have meaning....and I think about the meaning they claim to have and I realize mostly it is an exercise in self-deception so their's is meaningless too. I have an honest existence, I am honest with myself about how I feel. I am honest that I feel and wish for meaning - and I accept that meaning can be relative in the eyes of the beholder, yet if I have to expereince some altered state to achieve the meaning then is it for real? Some would say yes and some would say no. I say I don't know.
Jack