Just because you want to believe the angels are directing your life doesn't make it true.
We all die. It is the single most absolutely true thing that we can bank on.
No one particularly likes the thought, but it doesn't make it any less true.
Facing your mortality is a difficult but necessary task for those leaving cults that promise living forever.
Have you done that, yet?
If not, it would explain a lot of your confusion and longing.