placebo - You sound hurt and stressed right now, I hope you can find a way to make sense of what is/has happening to you. It has been sometime since I was in your position. Things didn't make sense for quite a while after. I even succeeded in getting reinstated because life with the W and my family was miserable and the fear of armageddon was so powerful. But events happened that caused me to doubt my faith and the teachings of the WT. When your whole value system is placed under that pressure life relly stops making sense for a time. I would suggest you spend time to really think about what is important to you, what your hopes are, goals are, dreams etc. What do you like about yourself, what do you want to change? REALLY THINK...not just in JW terms, try defining your OWN terms. Honesty and truth will help build your confidence, esteem and trust back up where once you thought it lost. You can email me if you want to talk more {hugs}