Thats just like me Rebel, you seem to talk direct from my own mouth.
I really don't know what to believe any more, but I do know something. I know that by ceasing to become a JW your eyes are opened so much and you actually see things and people for what they really are, instead of some conditioned kind of thinking. I think thats a good thing.
I myself am doing research into the bible and its background, and also I would love to believe it as it also has been my life. When something that has remained so close to you is challenged, you begin defending it at whatever cost. I still feel that the bible is truth, yet understanding its background holds no bars for me on an educational level.
I think only then we can find the truth.