I comment here very little, as I have never been a JW. I do not know what being a JW is like, all I know is what I read and observe within my own famliy and from here. The only thing I can say thedog1, is that you are among people here who have been in your same situation and care about where you are at. If they didn't, they wouldn't be here expressing their thoughts. Being in the position you are in (conducting WT) it makes it very difficult for you to attempt to research and not have it show thru you what you learned. Never stop searching for what it is you want answers to, its in the Bible.
I saw something today that made me think. There was a man in "charge" who did not believe what he himself was saying to his subordinates, but he kept on keeping on. The part that made me think was deep down those who are the leaders must do one of two things: either keep toeing the line and keep to himself until he has had enough, or stand up and make a change. Either way, the outcome was the same. The only thing different was the time it took to get there.
I am not saying you are this or that, it was just something that made me think and if it helps then great, if not let it pass.