Posts by freein89

8

Singer Robert Palmer dies at 54

by funkyderek in

http://edition.cnn.com/2003/showbiz/music/09/26/britain.palmer/index.html

freein89

Very sad news, I loved his music and sexy videos.

Deb

27

Any step-parents here??

by Out At 22 in

hey everyone.

i was wondering if there are any fellow step-parents or soon-to-be step parents around?

i am a soon-to be stepmom to four girls (14,11,6,4).

So your intended is paying maintenance as well as child support. That would be very hard to swallow. It sounds like she may be having some mental problems. I live in Wisconsin and have had experience with someone paying child support in Minnesota. I think the top percentage of wages based on the number of children tops out in the mid thirties, unless the laws have changed.

Are the children safe with her? It doesn't sound like it. Is your soon to be trying to get custody? This does not sound like she is your "average" woman, but rather one with some serious problems. Is she employable? Or is she in a state where no one would hire her anyway? Remember you are stuck to this woman for life when you marry her ex. Make sure you are up for the challenge by educating yourself about step-parenting and parenting in general, because if she is troubled more of the mothering will fall on your shoulders if she can't or won't manage it herself.

I mentor two girls for Kinship, they are sisters and in the custody of their father. Their Mom is deeply troubled and simply does not have the ability to parent, so much of the mothering of the girls falls to me. I encourage them to have as much of a relationship with their Mom as possible and I sort of pick up the pieces when its not working well.

It seems to me that you are a very caring sort of person and that will serve you well and be a tremendous source of strength for your soon to be step daughters. An important thing to remember is that you must separate your feelings about the Mom from your daily life. I know that sounds impossible, but it can be done. When you are angry or upset, take a moment to analyze your feelings to see if they are valid. If what you are feeling is about something that you can do nothing about, toss them out - the feelings, not the kids (hee hee). With practice and determination you will gain control in an emotional situation.

Preserve your own dignity at all costs. Quiet strength. Be a safe haven for the kids and for yourself. If she wants to waste her precious energy yakking on the phone, that is her loss, because you will be busy building a relationship with her children. The payoff for all your hard work will be great I assure you.

Thankyou for letting me share what I have learned, much of it I learned the hard way and it feels good to be able to use it to help. I would be pleased to be a counted among your resources in this. I live in Western Wisconsin, pm me if you want more infor or a phone number. If you live in the twin cities area we are only an hour apart.

Deb

27

Any step-parents here??

by Out At 22 in

hey everyone.

i was wondering if there are any fellow step-parents or soon-to-be step parents around?

i am a soon-to be stepmom to four girls (14,11,6,4).

freein89

It is definitely hard when that money is going out the door. I have been on both sides of that fence too, so I know how it feels. But the bottom line is that the kids come first. The whole idea of child support is that children deserve what BOTH parents can give them even if the parents divorce. The children are young and so are you and you have a very long road ahead of you.

I am going to be brutally honest with you. I hope you understand. You simply do not have the right to be angry about the money that is going out the door. But please believe that I understand. I really do. This is the start of a whole new life for you, but it is not a whole new life for your husband to be, the children or his ex. They have a past and a future together because they had children.

It may be difficult, but try to put yourself in her position and don't judge her abilites as a mother. If you support the relationship between the kids and their mother they will love you for it, I guarantee it. You may not get instant gratification here but the gratification will come. These kids will grow up and know what you did for them. It is so very wonderful to have a deep and loving relationship with step kids. Mine are adults now and have families of their own and I have four beautiful grandchildren with them.

Last night one of them came to dinner with her husband and sister and brother and law who are visiting from out of town and of course the kids, we had a wonderful dinner and lots of love and laughter. AND the phone call from her mother. She finds an excuse to call everytime the kids come over. I just grin and bear it. Because I have supported the relationship with the Mom, I have nothing to regret and no axes to grind and that makes it so much easier.

Early in my relationship with my husband the Mom was very upset because she thought that I would interfere with things. So I called and told her not to worry, that I would support her in every way I could and that is what I did. She is their mother and that is a sacred bond, she gave them life.

Deb

27

Any step-parents here??

by Out At 22 in

hey everyone.

i was wondering if there are any fellow step-parents or soon-to-be step parents around?

i am a soon-to be stepmom to four girls (14,11,6,4).

freein89

yup, been a step mom since I was 19 in both first and second marriage. It can be wonderful and it can be dreadful. Wonderful because you get free kids-not 1 minute of labor. I love my step daughters I cannot imagine my life without them.

but the down side is this: sometimes I feel sad because their Mom is their Mom. Its just that simple.

It is VERY important that you support their relationship with their biological mother. NEVER say an unpleasant word about their mother. You may have to stifle yourself because it is natural to have jealous or hard feelings toward her. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of this. You cannot let it suffice to hold back unkind words or actions toward their mother, you must actively support the relationship. This will be hard.

Get to know her and let her know that you will not try to undermine her in any way. I have done this in both my marriages and it works, if you are in her corner, she will be in yours. You are stuck with each other for life so make the most of it.

Let the kids know that you will not be used if they are mad at their mother. Kids are great but they will use.

If the kids ever give you a hard time, call their mother and get hints and suggestions. I am assuming it is a divorce situation.

Ask her what they like to eat, use her as a resource, make her your ally.

pm if you need advice, I've been at this a long time. My step kids range in age from 33 to 26.

Deb

21

Why does every little thing I do come back to haunt me?

by berylblue in

jw
friends

it's too long a story.

you'll all laugh anyway.

sometimes it's all just too much for me.. i wish i had my mother and daughters here....

freein89

Beryl, honey bunch, you just gotta know you are a beautiful person. You are always there to listen and care and I am sorry for your daughters because they are missing out. A divided family is just the saddest thing I can think of. Please let us have the honor of being there for you no matter what.

Deb

47

Do You Automatically Believe Everything A Poster Says About Him/Herself?

by minimus in

jw
friends

sometimes, when i read what a poster says, especially a new poster, i don't always assume that they are legitimate.

do you ever feel this way?

does it cross your mind that a person is falsely representing himself/herself ??

freein89

I have been very inconsistent, does that mean people don't think I am sincere? I am honestly wondering what people think of me. A lot of what I post here is determined by my mood or how I have been touched by what I see here. Sometimes I am bitter and resentful, not of people here, but because of the pain of the JW experience. Sometimes I am optimistic-rainbows and sunshine and sometimes I am so angry about what I and others have had to go through.

The thing is that I care about and need the community that I have found here. When I first found the site I was moved and touched and just jumped in when I was ready to post. I wanted to tell my story and I just spilled my guts. Did people here suspect me? Perhaps I should have gone more slowly, I wish I had. My story was true but now I wonder if I should have told it.

Was I guilty because of what my husband did? With the JW's I was, and its one of the reasons I left. Was I guilty here too? I feel sorta bad now, was I too trusting, was I a gullible fool? Am I taken seriously? I have never disregarded or suspected anyone, why would I? I am confused and worried

Deb

20

Polyester skirts and recipe cards

by joannadandy in

ahh yes.. eyegirl and i were taking that long dirty and shameful walk down memory lane.

tonight's topic.

the second school, and why it sucked monkey nostrils to be a sister back there giving a talk.. you would think, no sweat, smaller crowd, less pressure.

freein89

oops, lets try that again.

Deb

20

Polyester skirts and recipe cards

by joannadandy in

ahh yes.. eyegirl and i were taking that long dirty and shameful walk down memory lane.

tonight's topic.

the second school, and why it sucked monkey nostrils to be a sister back there giving a talk.. you would think, no sweat, smaller crowd, less pressure.

freein89

Wow, this sure brings back memories, stuff I haven't thought of in years. ( Mem-ries light the corners of my mind.) As my kids got old enough, I always used my them as householders, because I could drill that crap into their poor little heads. One time when I had a talk in the second school and my second son was about 6 months old, I tried to get him to go to a sister while I gave my talk, well he wasn't having any part of it, so I had to give my talk with no table, my notes, bible and other liturature along with a squirming 6 month old on my lap.

Timmy had two shiny knew teeth that he just had to try out on my thumb during my talk. He took my hand in his chubby, dimpled little baby hands and inserted my thumb into his mouth and clamped down. He kept the pressure right on my nail and I couldn't pry him off because I was holding all my other stuff.

I went cross-eyed from the pain and my householder could see what was happening and started to giggle. The audience was two feet away and could also see what was happening, so there was stiffled giggling from all of them. I started laughing too, in spite of the pain on my thumbnail. I gave my whole talk like that.

The brother that was grading my talk was sucking in his cheeks trying not to laugh while he was offering his words of wisdom. The general silliness lasted until the second school was over. (Misty water colored mem-ries of the way we were.)

Deb

30

One of our daughters in law said this:

by Mulan in

jw
friends

our daughter in law, tracey, who was never a jw, is a hair stylist.

i went to the place she works for a haircut the other day, and was telling her about the big party at joy and steve's last month.

we talked about a lot of things about the party, and then she said this:.

freein89

Well, its darn tough to let it go completely when its always being shoved in your face. Here is what I mean by that. When my husband and I get together with the friends he has had all of his life, it always gets me thinking, because where the hell are all my old friends? I DON'T HAVE ANY!!! They spend a certain amount of time talking about old times and I just sit there, because I don't have anyone to share my old times with. When we got married 8 years ago, he had scads of old friends there, did I? NO!!!

I am a woman without a past. Its like having amnesia or being from another planet. Or perhaps like just getting out of prison, as a matter of fact its alot like having been in prison. Everything was controlled and watched and I had no choices. Now I am out but all my friends are still in prison. I had a death sentence and have been released because I was never guilty, but my whole life was stolen.

I am not bitter 24 hours a day, but sometimes I am.

Deb

2

a letter called elemeno

by freein89 in

ok ray, you confessed to thinking empty was in chat, now its my turn in the confessional.

when i was a little kid learning the abc song, i thought a b c d e f g h i j k elemeno p. yup, i thought elemeno was a letter.

deb

freein89

OK Ray, you confessed to thinking empty was in chat, now its my turn in the confessional. When I was a little kid learning the ABC song, I thought A B C D E F G H I J K ELEMENO P. Yup, I thought elemeno was a letter. Anyone else?

Deb