What I hate the most is feeling out of control of my emotions. I hate that when something "small" happens, that it feels like something enormous, and I hate that I look like a total idiot for over reacting when I know that on a "good" day, I would be in better control.
I hate "walking around the clock." When I'm at 12:00, I feel great, but then I slide to 1:00, then to 2:00, and before I know it, I am fighting like mad to keep from hitting 6:00. No matter how hard I try, I still end up there, and because I've fought it so hard, by the time I arrive, I land with a "thud". Once there, I shut out everyone and everything. Ignoring life only causes it to scream in my face which only keeps me stuck there longer. Eventually I start moving to 7:00 and then 8:00, and by about 9:00 I start feeling hope again. The hope catalysts me to 12:00 - and then the cycle starts all over again. It sucks.
It seems that over the past several years I've gotten more of a handle on it, but the past couple of weeks have been rough. The holidays are always tough, but I think I'm pulling through now.
Anyway, Shamus. I know how you feel and I hope things improve for you.
growedup