Do you find it difficult to tell your JW parents you love them?

by misspeaches 39 Replies latest jw friends

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  misspeaches

  Does anyone find it difficult to express their emotions to their JW parents?

  My father has never been a JW and I feel comfortable enough to tell him how much I love him without hesitation.

  When it comes to my JW mum I feel like it is forced and then I feel resentful and then I feel guilty all at once. Its like there is this gap between us. I know she loves me she tells me all the time. And I know I love her. But I dont think it is the normal sort of relationship between a mother and a daughter.

  The first time I realised that I loved my mother was when I was in my late teens and I had dreamt that she had died in a house fire. I remember although waking up just bawling about it, I was reassured that I must love her after all.

  But its just so difficult to say 'I love you'.

  And it makes me feel like a ungrateful little cow. But I just feel like there is something between us and the only conclusion I can come to is that she would put the JW religon before me.

  I don't know... Just tossing thoughts, feelings and ideas about here...
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  Cady

  Yes. I suck at it. Even when my dad tries to open the lines of communication at times (I just faded, not officially df'd or da'd) I shut them down. It physically hurts to hear him be nice to me, esp after everything that happened when I was a kid. I can't love them, it hurts too much.
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  DelTheFunkyHomosapien

  The simple and at the same time most painful solution is to tell her how you feel.
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  Es

  Oh def especially my dad, my dad has always favoured my brother over me, and now they no longer talk and i have given him a grandson he has latched on to me. He tells me he loves me all the time and i know he is trying to make up for everything, but its still hard for me to say it back. Im not use to it.

  I love and admire my mum to death but still find it hard to tell her that

  es
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  freedomlover

  Oh man, this is a topic I have a lot of issues with! I have one cold hearted snake of a mom! One of the things that helped me see "the light" about being a witness was the way my mother has cut all of us kids off so abruptly when we did something she didn't agree with. We didn't even get in trouble with the organization! Just everyday things she didn't aprove of. Her love has always been VERY CONDITIONAL with us kids. I started trying to figure out where in the world she gets justification to treat her own children this way and the only thing I could come up with was HER RELIGION - JW!! Just cut people off when you feel like they deserve it! I could never treat my own children this way. It's totally unatural, and unloving, and goes against just being a human being!
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  Lady Lee

  misspeaches

  The first time I realised that I loved my mother was when I was in my late teens and I had dreamt that she had died in a house fire. I remember although waking up just bawling about it, I was reassured that I must love her after all.

  I went through terrible homesickness as a teen (I was in foster care for 3 yrs). I had dreans like this. It took a long time but I finally realized that what I missed was not the mother I had but the mother I wanted and never got.

  freedomlover

  Oh man, this is a topic I have a lot of issues with! I have one cold hearted snake of a mom!

  Are we related?

  One of the things that helped me see "the light" about being a witness was the way my mother has cut all of us kids off so abruptly when we did something she didn't agree with.

  We must be related!

  We didn't even get in trouble with the organization! Just everyday things she didn't aprove of. Her love has always been VERY CONDITIONAL with us kids.

  My mother was like this before she became a JW. The WTS just gave her a biblical reason to do it

  I started trying to figure out where in the world she gets justification to treat her own children this way and the only thing I could come up with was HER RELIGION - JW!

  In my mother's case it was her own abusive childhood and her eternal need to be right. Hence the religion that always tells her she is right by going to meetings. out on service and more prayer.

  Just cut people off when you feel like they deserve it!

  100% my mother. I have siblings who were never baptized and all wnat nothing to do with the JWs. As long as they don't follow what she says they are out and ignored (well unless it makes her look good)

  I could never treat my own children this way. It's totally unatural, and unloving, and goes against just being a human being!

  It took me until my mid 40's to realize my mother is mentally ill. A few years ago someone asked me if my mother was narcissistic. I did some indepth reasearch on it and the answer was yes. That helped me to realize it wasn't me. She really does have a problem and the WTS simply reinforces the idea she is OK and all her kids are wrong. Knowing she fits the profile also helps me to stay as far away as possible (for my own mental health) and knowing that there is nothing I have done or could do to change her. She is one person who never should have had kids.
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  daystar

  I used to think it was just me and my parents. I've discovered from reading JWD that I am very much not alone.

  If this were not a JW and ex-JW board, it would be extremely surprising that so many have had the same sort of experience.
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  joannadandy

  I have a really strained relationship with my mom too.

  It's hard. But it has gotten easier. I think most of the strain was I was still at home and exercising my rights as an adult to choose to not attend church. It was downright ugly.

  A lot of it with my mother and I is also she was never really affectionate with me as a kid. She's made it ubandantly clear if she had her life to do over again she probably wouldn't have had kids. Doesn't inspire one with warm fuzzys.

  The past few years she has tried really hard to say the "I love you" phrases, to hug, etc. At first it was so hard. I literally stiffened up at her touch. And when she said "I love you" I felt the only thing I could say was "I know". I know that hurt her - and I know deep down it was wrong - but it was a hard transition for me to make.

  Since I have been out on my own - and since she persisted and never gave up on me (she could have - I wasn't exactly cuddly at first) it's gotten a lot easier. Now when I see her I get hugs coming and going. Even a few "I love you" and lots of "I miss you". Enough time has passed. I can tell my mom I love her and mean it, I know I always meant it - and I also know I will never have a really close cuddly relationship with her - ever. It's not her style - too much time has passed I think, and there is the JW thing between us. When she says she misses me - it still seems like a lie. I know deep down it's now, but that naughty little cynical voice in my head says "whatever"

  I think it will just take more time with us. Right now my huge acomplishment is not feeling like I am going to jump out of my skin when I get hugs - and actually being able to enjoy quality time with her. It's a work in progress - we both have a lot to atone for.

  Mother daughter relationships are never easy it seems - and having the religion factor mixed in doesn't seem to help much.

  Not sure if any of this was very helpful for you - I guess I am just trying to say - I can relate, I have felt the guilt, and I think I understand where you are coming from.
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  freedomlover

  WOW Lady Lee -

  We must be related!! How wonderful to know it's not just me and my unbaptized siblings who have the poster child of "bad moms" out there. I have finally made the choice to keep my distance from her, for my own mental health as well, and for once in my life I don't feel guilt over it. My main reasons for keeping contact for the last few years was because I still had a younger sister at home who was being mentally and emotionally abused by my mom and my "identical to my mom" horrid stepfather. My sister is out now! YIPPEE! and she is starting her life in college with a good group of friends. She knows she has me forever. In many ways I'm grateful for my experience. It has made me a very receptive person to other people. I LOVE people so much and I enjoy loving people. My mother showed me the extreme of a bad relationship so I learned what NOT to do. Thanks Mom!! Not to say, it hasn't been a GREAT source of pain in my life.......

  Well, once she finds out I'm not a JW anymore (we don't talk presently, so she'll hear through the grapevine soon enough) she'll have a JUSTIFICATION to finally and completely cut me off! oh well....not much I can do about that!

  We should chat more about this sometime.......
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  bikerchic

  I had real "mother" er,, make that "parent" issues.......I took a long self healing journey and am happy to say that before my father died I had made my peace with him and later was able to make (personal) peace with my mother. She really never knew that I had issues with her, at least none that I spoke to her about. I felt no need to burden her with my issues, and I'm very glad I didn't as they were my issues. My mom is a die-hard JW.

  Now I never greet her without a hug and we always say "I love you" when we say goodbye. This is a huge change from the way I was raised! She likes it too and is caring it on with the rest of family. I can't tell you what a huge change that is in our family, my mother was raised by loving parents but they were very stoic and didn't show emotions, hug or touch! My dad was Itallian......I guess I inherited the Latin genes I love to hug and need the human contact, something that I realized when I had my children was missing in my childhood. I have a lot of lovin' to catch up on!

  Oh so in answer to your question, NO, but it was a long process to get to. I recommend that you start the healing journey. Who needs negative emotions in their life? Not moi!