by misspeaches 39 Replies latest jw friends
I have also been lucky to find a surrogate mother/sister of sorts. It's not quite the same thing but she always makes me feel better and gives great hugs. I've cried and been upset so many times and she nevers prys just hugs me and says it will be okay.
I hope everyone here can find someone similiar.
Dams
Phewww, misspeaches, as if dealing with a controling cult wasn't difficult enough. I feel for you.
damelfly
It's why I stayed in the religion as long as I did........I wanted her love me and accept me
I hear ya
but that was never good enough. My husband (now ex-husband but still a JW) even became an elder ahd she was still pushing me to do more
I love my parents like I love no other people in my life. It's a different love though. It's very arms-length. That's for my own mental and emotional well-being. I know my parents have come a long way since I was DFed and they kicked me out of their house, but words are words...once they're out, they're out and there's no taking them back. Once my Dad said some of the things he said, he may as well have cut my heart out with a butter knife. The pain was excruciating and has taken many years and thousands of dollars of therapy to just begin healing.
My father and step-mom have re-entered my life this past summer. It's been very civil and cordial and absolutely no arguments about anything. I should be happy about this and a part of me is. But a part of me is still the pained little girl that can't grow up until the adult in me forgives them. It's a struggle. I vascillate between wanting my daddy's arms around me and wanting him to die and be out of my life forever. I've just started being nice to myself and understanding that all of these emotions are just part of the package of healing. If they aren't loving to me, then it's okay. They truly aren't capable of giving me what I need. Why do I keep wanting that from them??? So I learn to feed myself with the other people in my life. No, they aren't mom and dad. But they are what they are and I have what I have. There is no changing it, so why cry over spilt milk?
Feeling very linear today as I read back over this comment, which is a little strange for me.
I may love my parents too much, and that's a problem.
We've got no boundaries. I can remember being around them a particular time and feeling like I was part of the Blob - no edges, no unique personality, total and complete amalgamation.
So they've taken my taking issue with the Org personally - because that's the only way we've ever related to each other. It's new and painful for both of us for me to attempt to be a functioning, independent adult. And it'll be even harder when I start telling them that, while I'll always make myself available, I'm not going to tell them everywhere I'm going and everyone I'm going to be with. I've decided that my worship is my business, not theirs, and that this is the perfect way to start asserting my right to privacy and to be treated like an adult.
There's tension between us because of my decision, and the thought of losing them completely because they assume they have the right to judge me totally unravels me.
I'm not sure they'll know how to love me once I make it clear "this is where I end and you begin."
Aw dams... I know you have talked about the difficulty with you & your mum's relationship here before but I never realised you had gone through that.
I am happy for you that you have the strength to tell your JW family you love them. And I am happy you have a mother figure in your life as well. May you life continue on the way it is.
Lady Lee... I hope one day to have children of my own. I want to them to be happy and know how much their mother loves and supports them. I want them to have what I missed. Your a great example.
Darth Ywah... Thanx for your thoughts. I note your presence regularly on this board and I think that you say things that are of a great help to people. So thank you.
Yup! They're dead!
caveman
Yup! And likewise for them. My mother once told me that she was sorry she couldnt love me the way I wanted her too - you know hugs and kisses with genuine concern and consideration, so I decided that when I had children that I would show them the love I never got from my parents. Nothing sweeter than getting hugs and kisses and "I love you's" from my children. I dont want to miss out like my parents did.
So ironic now that my mother complains that her children dont show her love, concern, and consideration. Oh we're respectful, for the mostpart, but she raised us good. We have learned to keep her at arms length (no hugs or kisses and cant remember the last time I told her I loved her) and she doesnt like it one bit. Can you say "shoe on the other foot"? And strangely enough my mother is very jealous of anyone the pays attention to us, this includes any friends that we may have and even our spouses.
Josie
Wow.
This entire thread now has me with a knot in my stomach and I am choking back tears here at work.
This is my experience too and I have often wondered if it was just in my mother's personality to be that way but now I see a pattern and I feel anger now because while I knew the religion contributed to it, I can see it contributed more to it than I thought :( :(
My mother is very devoid of any emotion other than that fake 'kingdom joy'. When we started talking after years of her refusing to talk to me (post my dis-fellowshipping at the age of 17) it was really strained and I am a very warm person so when she would come visit me, I would go to hug her when I said goodbye and it was (is) like hugging a mannequin which makes my heart shatter everytime. I even say 'I love you' when we part ways because I do love her (I don't love what that religion has done to her) and she never says 'I love you' back and it almost looks painful for her.
I feel sometimes like she is a robot and it breaks my heart especially since I am so open and so warm and so outgoing and I cannot even fathom being that way if I had a child.
Something else I have thought about a lot recently is that I have an extreme abandonment complex which my boyfriend pointed out to me a while back (I had never realized how severe it was). I really think this has a lot to do with growing up in that religion and constantly being in fear of destruction around me, losing people (I had amazing hidden friendships with kids outside the truth)...ugh...
Everyone has expressed their feelings so eloquently here. I really can't add anything as I'm too emotional to think straight right now.
Merry's comments sum up my relationship with my mom before her death last year at age 69. Even simple shows of affection were painful due to unresolved hurts and disappointments.
When my mom was dying she tried to express her regret over "the walls that were between us". She called me repeatedly crying and saying "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry". I could barely listen; it was too agonizing. She was so torn up at the end, so much inner turmoil and regret. I tried reassuring her so that she could die in peace. She died still believing that she was of the annointed and had a heavenly hope. She probably still believed I would die at Armageddon. But in the present she was able to show love for me and my family. She tried so hard even while dying to make up for lost time. I was by her side talking to her as she passed away.
I am still haunted and devastated by the whole experience. It seems like such a waste of a beautiful, creative, sensitive person. Her personality was distorted by years of cognitive dissonance and self-created trauma. And I regret the many, many years I spent as an angry and resentful daughter.
When she was dying, she wrote a letter to me. It's been almost a year and I still cannot bring myself to read it. I miss her so much.
Eva
