Isolated & disconnected once outside

by enosant 31 Replies latest jw friends

  • Michelle5480
    Michelle5480

    I just posted something similar to what everyone has experienced.

    Im so used to ignoring everyone outside the kindom hall that I have to catch myself sometimes. Im used to just saying hi and never letting anyone get close enough to be a good friend. Fearing that their ultimate goal would be to inject me with worldly poison. I would say YES its hard leaving the bOrg and finding new friends.

    We need to make like a support group for ex jw's so we can get over our worldlypeoplephobia issues.

    Lots of love,

    Michelle

  • enosant
    enosant

    exjdub wrote:

    I think the pushing away and the anger is normal when you are completely betrayed. Who, of any of us here, have not experienced a complete tearing out of our hearts?

    [..]All of our friendships were completely tied up in the Borg. We were taught to trust with all of our hearts and to not question "authority." This is all part of the journey when you unplug from the Matrix.

    Your words have shed light on much of my own experience & provided a mirror. I'm sure it's the same with others here too.

    It is comfort to know that these feelings, though so deep and personal, are not uniquely possessed. They are the effects of the same cause, irrespective of who experiences them. Much like a hangover or a burst appendix.

    Also you introduced terms that I will add to the long list that describes the state we are in on leaving the hive or unplugging: betrayed, a complete tearing out of [the] heart and taught to trust with all of our hearts.

    These also explain why I go to pieces when close relationships with girlfriends I've made since leaving end. All the feelings of misplaced trust, betrayal and heart tearing flood back, each time with even greator force because I feel like a complete failure yet again! This ties in well with hamsterbait rubberband comment.

    Probably means that I invested myself in those relationships completely heart, mind and soul just like I did with the 'Truth'. Living but not learning! This is an approach I need to reassess!

    Thank you once again. You have helped me to figure myself out a bit more.

    enosant


    un peut de bien ne peut faire de mal - es.67
  • dedpoet
    dedpoet

    I was lucky in that when I left I still had a couple of friends who I used to associate with pre - jw who hadn't completely abandoned me, but it was very hard at first allowing new acquaintences to get close to me. I have been gone almost 6 years now, and have made a couple of close friends in that time.

  • enosant
    enosant

    lisavegas420 wrote

    I still find myself pushing people away when they try to get to close. Even wonderful kind people. It's like I'm afraid that they will change or find out too much about me and stop liking me.

    I know she's really trying to be nice. ...but I still feel fearful.

    Try not to let your previous automatic response to closeness get in the way of a relationship with someone who might turn out to be just what you've been looking for! She seems to understand you and really like you. If the feeling is mutual and she's a white witch and is not eyeing you out for the sacrificial altar, then I'd say don't move away out of the fear of your past.


    enosant Un peut de bien ne peut faire de mal - es.67
  • dezpbem
    dezpbem

    Enosant you struck a nerve when you said

    These also explain why I go to pieces when close relationships with girlfriends I've made since leaving end. All the feelings of misplaced trust, betrayal and heart tearing flood back, each time with even greator force because I feel like a complete failure yet again!
    Same for me with girlfriends. There really isn't more for me to say about it. You said it perfectly.
  • exjdub
    exjdub
    Probably means that I invested myself in those relationships completely heart, mind and soul just like I did with the 'Truth'. Living but not learning! This is an approach I need to reassess!

    enosant,

    I think that is the tendency sometimes. Sometimes we search for something to fill the hole that is left when we leave the Borg, when really what we need is time to reflect and learn about ourselves. However that is tough to do when you are single and looking for a relationship. I realize that I was lucky because my wife and I left the Organization together, so I had someone to share my deepest thoughts with, both good and bad. I know that you will find a balance with your relationships. Don't be so hard on yourself. Broken relationships do not mean failure, rather they are opportunities to learn about yourself and are part of the journey.

    exjdub

  • Spectre
    Spectre

    All I can really do is raise my hand and say "yep, me too."

  • chrissy
    chrissy

    lol @ spectre. "welcome, spectra"...to the isolated and disconnected.

    it's easier when you decide for yourself that heathens can be cool. it really opens a lot of friendship doors.

  • anglise
    anglise

    Hi everyone

    good topic and one I think that most exjw's can relate to.

    We have found it quite difficult to handle the contrast between the 5 meetings a week with all the association and then NOTHING.

    Like others we dont want to "Get involved" with any other group or religion to meet people. Dont really want the commitment or control that it could entail.

    We are lucky that we have our adult children out of the borg which hepls.

    Sorry dont have an answer, wish I did.

    Maybe we are left with a fallacy that lots of friends/aquaintances is necessary, I really dont know.

    Anglise

  • exjdub
    exjdub
    We have found it quite difficult to handle the contrast between the 5 meetings a week with all the association and then NOTHING.

    Like others we dont want to "Get involved" with any other group or religion to meet people. Dont really want the commitment or control that it could entail.

    Anglise,

    It is difficult to go from complete dedication (5 meetings a week) to nothing, however there are other ways to "get involved" without religion. I actually stumbled on to something when we left that really helped. I was looking for work and happened to see an ad for a job that entailed helping brain damaged and people with Downs Syndrome, etc. find work in the community. I had no idea how much really helping people would help heal my own heart. For once I was really helping people that needed help, without handing them a couple of magazines and moving on. I was making a difference. The result was quite unexpected because I went into the job to make money, but I came out of it with a different thought process. It started me on the road to healing. It didn't magically change everything and I still struggled with hurt feelings, but it did start the process that allowed me to heal.

    Although I eventually moved on from this job (the pay was horrible and I couldn't afford to stay), I realized that as bad as I felt after the JW betrayal, there were people who had it much worse. I don't mean to sound trite. The pain of leaving the Borg is very real and excrutiating, but every day I would see people that had a very difficult time functioning in a society that is not very forgiving when you don't fit the mold of a "normal" person. It was very cathartic to help others in a way that really meant something. Although I do not do this for work anymore, I try to find ways to help in the community I live in. Sometimes it is as simple as helping my elderly neighbors. There is nothing like helping others in your neighborhood to help you plug back into life.

    I think sometimes we all forget how much influence the WTBTS had in connection with being part of the community. It was frowned down upon if we spent time doing anything but peddling the WT and Awake. The Borg always said it was OK to help people, just as long as it did not take away from the preaching activity, or the meetings. And, of course, it was strongly "encouraged" to help within the congregation first. Well after attending meetings all week, and then going out in service on the weekend, it did not leave much time for helping anyone else, never mind people outside of the "Organization". I think it taught us to be selfish and inclusive. So when you leave, you really have to fight the inclination to be internal. It is hard to break out of that shell, but it does work to reach out to others that deserve it.

    Sorry, I didn't mean to ramble so much, and my intent was not to preach. It's just that when I open certain doors things come flooding back to me. I think that hardest part of my leaving was the very issue of how to feel normal again and how to start trusting again. All of the issues that have been raised on this thread are very real, very painful, and will take time to heal. But healing will occur.

    Warmest Regards,

    exjdub

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