I don't think I'll ever be "normal" again. Pushing people away.....yeah, that's me.
Isolated & disconnected once outside
by enosant 31 Replies latest jw friends
-
-
serendipity
((( Satanus ))) Breakups are tough.I can empathize with what y'all are saying, but I felt (and still feel) isolated for much of my life. I distance myself from people also. I can't blame it totally on being a JW, because a pattern had already been established due to early childhood events:
1. My mother abandoned me for a few years when I was a toddler.
2. We made many moves as a child, where I could only make acquaintances before we moved again. I had no time to form lasting friendships and this led to a lack of social skills.
3. As a child, I imitated my mother's behavior (aggressive, bossy, know it all) which didn't exactly attract kids to me.
All this before age 10. Then we became JW's. Over the years, I learned to downplay any 'worldly' goals or accomplishments or desire for hobbies or .... Many topics of conversation seemed to be off limits, lest I was criticized or judged. Then I was df'd for 3 years when I was single and pregnant and I saw how conditional the JW friendships were. I received no help from my JW family - they didn't care enough about my child to make sure she had what she needed. When I was reinstated, I didn't bother trying to make new friends. Even after being in my current congregation for 10 years, there are only a handful of people I can carry on a short conversation with, and they are only acquaintances.
My definition of a friend is this: someone who I can count on, is encouraging, supportive, helpful and enjoyable to be around, and wants my friendship.
It's hard to trust people enough to develop such friendships. I guess subconsciously I think if I share the 'real' me, I'll be judged and abandoned, and I want to spare myself the disappointment and pain.
I can also relate to Luna - I like my space and don't want people making a lot of demands on me. I hope that once I recover from single parenthood I'll have more energy to socialize and maybe develop some friends.