Isolated & disconnected once outside (page 3)

enosant

exjdub - you are a healer! Your words helps us to identify at a granular level the root causes of the symptoms we experience.

I think it taught us to be selfish and inclusive. So when you leave, you really have to fight the inclination to be internal.
I had no idea how much really helping people would help heal my own heart.

I think,like me, lots of people become depressed after leaving the Borg. Helping others is one of the many ways of relieving this problem and your experience confirms this.

Thank you for sharing your example and your healing words!

enosant
Un peut de bien ne peut faire de mal - es.67

enosant

I started this thread with a quote from ColdPlay X&Y - Square One song and we've had so many interesting contributions that I forgot to add the foll. too which I think is relevant:

Coldplay X&Y - The Hardest Part

 And the hardest part Was letting go, not taking part Was the hardest part And the strangest thing Was waiting for that bell to ring It was the strangest start I could feel it go down Bittersweet, I could taste in my mouth Silver lining the cloud Oh and I I wish that I could work it out And the hardest part Was letting go, not taking part You really broke my heart And I tried to sing But I couldn't think of anything And that was the hardest part I could feel it go down You left the sweetest taste in my mouth You're a silver lining the clouds Oh and I Oh and I I wonder what it's all about I wonder what it's all about Everything I know is wrong Everything I do, it's just comes undone And everything is torn apart Oh and it's the part That's the hardest part Yeah that's the hardest part That's the hardest part

Coldplay X&Y - Talk

 [..] Are you lost or incomplete? Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece? Tell me how do you feel? Well I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak And they're talking it to me [..] So you don't know were you're going, and you wanna talk And you feel like you're going where you've been before You tell anyone who'll listen but you feel ignored Nothing's really making any sense at all [..]

Coldplay X&Y - Fix You
 [..] When you try your best, but you don't succeed When you get what you want, but not what you need When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep Stuck in reverse When the tears come streaming down your face When you lose something you can't replace When you love someone, but it goes to waste Could it be worse? [..] 
If you don't have this album I recommend you get it. Or if you contact me I may be able to email you these songs.
enosant
Un peut de bien ne peut faire de mal - es.67

slugga

Having lost all the JW friends, you find that you can't bring yourself to let others get too close, even pushing them away (old habit dying hard). I find I'm still finding myself doing that now.
Do you find yourself dong that too? Collecting a large number of acquaintances, that you keep a 'safe' distance away, always finding some excuse not to spend time with them?

Wow you just hit the nail on the head, I left the org 17 yrs ago but still I do this. I thought it was "just me being me" not knowing why I was doing it, but it seems my behaviour has dub roots

I'm one of those people that gets on well with people, that's popular and everyone assumes I have loads of mates but the truth is I don't, I won't let people get too close to me. Like the person I quoted I have dozens of acquaintances but no "real" mates. I've spent my whole time out of the org skimming through life, never getting involved with friends, always being on the outside. And now I find out its a dub thing.

This stinks !

jwfacts

When i first went to leave the org i found that i couldnt relate to anyone and that fear of isolation kept me trapped for another 10 years. Over that time I learnt to become comfortable enough with myself not to care if I have close friends or not.
I know heaps of people and always can find someone to do something with but have made sure that there is no one in my life that I can not live without, family included. It has certainly led to a somewhat insecure marriage, but you learn as a JW that anyone, family included, can desert you over a single word.

LittleToe

Some experience the exact opposite and are far too trusting of folks, ending with them getting taken for a ride.

The balance is somewhere inbetween, methinks.

slugga

I know heaps of people and always can find someone to do something with but have made sure that there is no one in my life that I can not live without, family included.

The CURSE of the ex Dub, ...everyone is disposable

What the fuck have they done to us that we cant even operate on that most basic of human levels ?

Satanus

I too, push people away. My primary abandoner was my mother, who abandoned me emotionally. The wt is my secondary abandoner. It doesn't bother me much. The primary abandonment does, though. A recent breakup w a girlfriend has ripped off the lid of the first abandonment. It has been rough, to put it mildly.

S

slugga

satanus said..

My primary abandoner was my mother, who abandoned me emotionally

...well with eyes like that you cant blame her really

lol

luna2

This is very interesting. I didn't grow up a dub, had many friends that I'd met in grade school and kept through highschool and beyond. However, when I married, I pretty much lost touch with them all. Part of this is because we moved so much and part is because my ex was a jackass who embarassed me and treated my friends poorly...so I let them drift away. Isolation became a way of life. When I became at JW in my late 20's (after separating from my husband), I had few friends so it was easy to let the local JWs fill that gap. When I moved to CT, events conspired to keep any friendships in the congo on a mostly surface level. I guess that was for the best when I started to fade...there were few who even noticed...which made it easier.

lisavegas said...On Monday she came running up to me and told me how much she had missed me over the weekend and was soooo happy to see me. She must have noticed that look on my face---> Because she quickly back away and apoligized and said "sorry I know you don't let people get too close. I'll try to contain myself. .....when can we go out again? "

This is my biggest fear of making local friends. That they won't allow me space or will demand that I do things with them all the time. Eeeek! LOL

There are a few friends that I've met via internet...but they are from different parts of the country so it's not like its even possible to meet up very often.

I have one good friend that I met while we were both studying with the JWs. She's the one person I'm comfortable with and wouldn't mind seeing on a daily basis... but she also lives far, far away. We email back and forth and talk on the phone several times a month, but I haven't seen her in person for 13 years.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to be part of a circle of friends who go to lunch together, or to the movies or whatever, but then again that might be a big pain in the ass. LOL I'm very conflicted.

ferret

I was raised a dub all my life. Shunned by parents, siblings and my own children. Parents went to their grave shunning. But I think it has a lot to do with our own personalities, and what we make out of certain situations. I am very outgoing and make friends quite easily. I feel I have more true friends now than I ever had as a JW. We must get involved in different interests. Someone mentioned helping others, this is probably the best way to overcome shyness and meet some very nice people in the process. Join book clubs, bowling teams, other church groups, or anything you might have an interest in. You are now in control without worrying about having to answer to anybody.Keep focused.

Isolated & disconnected once outside

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