Because I have been around Jesus for way too long.
Interview with God (Let's write one!)
by AlmostAtheist 36 Replies latest jw friends
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Scully
Dave
This is a great thread... I love it! It reminds me of an old thread here that's a classic: a visit to Jesus' therapy session with Jehovah being included to show the "family dynamic". Hilarious!
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AlmostAtheist
Interviewer: "What do you think of Jehovah's Witnesses?"
God: "Who?"
Interviewer: "Jehovah's Witnesses? Culty group, knocks on your door when you're not home, leaves you magazines you won't read?"
God: "Sorry, not ringing any bells. I'll google it when I get home."
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coolhandluke
Interviewer: "So what about things like the Holy Crusades? How can you condone them by inaction"
God: "Wait, you're gonna love this. This is totally a related side note. Do you know where popcorn came from?"
Interviewer: "Um, no?"
God: "Well, heaven is kinda boring, what with all the endless monotone singing and praising. BOOOORING!!! I rarely get to see anything cool. That's why I had the Israelites fight all those battles. The Crusades? Money! I invented popcorn for occasions like this. Me and Jesus sometimes pop some on the stove, so much better like that by the way, and then we bet on whose gonna win. It's like black ants versus red ants, 'cept way more blood!"
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Scully
Interviewer: Could you please explain the book of Revelation for the audience?
God: Oh $h!t. I knew this would come up eventually. Listen, haven't you ever gotten stoned out of your gourd and said stuff that you wish you hadn't? Revelation is just that. A really, really, really weird ass acid trip in writing. What does it all mean? Who the hell knows. I sure as hell don't. Although... it is kind of amusing watching everyone try to figure out what it means. *laughs out loud* It's just bull$h!t, ya know?
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AlmostAtheist
Interviewer: "Why did you set up the infamous test in the garden of Eden?"
God: "I was just messin' with Adam and Eve. I really didn't imagine they'd screw it up. It was a piece of fruit, for God's sake. My sake. Whatever."
Interviewer: "Some have speculated that you knew they would fail, that it was inevitable and part of your plan. That's wrong?"
God: "Of course it's wrong. That's assinine, why would anyone set up a test that they KNEW would fail? No, like I said it was nearly a joke. There was NO thought on my part that they would fail."
Interviewer: "If you see it all as more of a tragic error than a part of your plan, why condemn all humanity based on it?"
God: "Another coincidence, actually. See, humans were never meant to live forever. I mentioned the 'death' thing to Adam over the fruit, but I was having trouble figuring out how to break the 'old age and death' thing to him. Then the fruit test was failed and the rest pretty much wrote itself."
Interviewer: "But I thought Jesus' sacrifice covered that sin?"
God: "People still die, right?"
Interviewer: "But when Jesus comes back, everything will be great, right?"
God: "Ah, hope. As long as I offer unfulfilled hope for the future, people give me blind faith now. Funny, isn't it?"
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Scully
Interviewer: Now, I realize that this is a bit of a sensitive issue...
God: Please, go ahead, ask me anything... I really want to set the record straight here.
Interviewer: All righty then. Having read the Bible, it would seem that you have a fascination with foreskins.
God: *winces*
Interviewer: I warned you that it was sensitive. I'm just curious... what is the deal there? You create man in your own image, you say it is "good" and "very good", and yet in order for Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and all their offspring for generations and generations that follow, you require that they chop off the end of their penis. What for?
God: Well, nobody can be my friend, the way Abraham was, without making some kind of personal sacrifice. I need to know that they'll be loyal and that was the first thing that came to mind. I mean, if you asked someone to prove they were your friend, and they were willing to cut off the end of their penis to prove it, you'd be pretty impressed, wouldn't you?
Interviewer: No, not really. I don't need my friends to do anything other than be honest with me and supportive when I'm in a crunch. Do you mind if I ask what on earth you've been doing with the bazillions of foreskins that have been offered to you?
God: It's not exactly a bazillion, but it's a lot. Especially since the Muslims caught on to the idea too. At first, I thought I'd put them in an album to kind of commemorate people for doing it. I started out being able to keep on top of it, but then people started reproducing like crazy and I have so many of them in my attic, I don't think I'll ever get them all put in albums.
Interviewer: That's just weird... if you don't mind my saying so.
God: To each their own. Some people put pictures in albums, I do it with foreskins. They really are very special to me.
Interviewer: Okkkkk then. But what about the time when Dinah's brothers got Shechem and his whole tribe circumcized so that he could marry the girl, and then they were all massacred? You like that?
God: Well, you know how some people just get carried away.... it started out ok, but then I think they all got drunk and smoked some bad weed and the rest is history. But I do have all of those kept separately. Because they weren't really my friends, they just did it so they could marry into Jacob's family.
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GetBusyLiving
Interviewer: "What do you think of Jehovah's Witnesses?"
God: "Who?"
Interviewer: "Jehovah's Witnesses? Culty group, knocks on your door when you're not home, leaves you magazines you won't read?"
God: "Sorry, not ringing any bells. I'll google it when I get home."
Most hilarious thing I've ever read on this site.. LMFAO GBL
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undercover
Funny stuff....
If God played for the Philadelphia Eagles I bet he'd get suspended for the rest of the season and then cut from the team.
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lonelysheep
LMAO Undercover!
"sick with terrill owens class"