by AlmostAtheist 36 Replies latest jw friends
Interviewer: So God can i ask you something?
God: That's what I'm here for isn't it?
Interviewer: .....
God: So umm what's your question child?..
Interviewer: AH HAH so you don't know everything!!!
God: ahhh Sorry i can't answer any more questions until my lawyer is present.
CHL:Ya beat me to it on the typo joke - LOL
Google Define: figt = A drink made by infusing a certain Middle-Eastern fruit in a shallow receptacle.
And lo, God won as TheInfamousOne suffered the Holy Stomach Cramps of Antioch!
Aaaameeeeen!!!
Interviewer : So let me get this straight God, exactly which type of sacrifices do you prefer--human, animal, only-begotten sons, valuable weekend time ? Which?
God : Ahem, ah, well...pretty much anything that causes you hurt and pain will do.
Interviewer : So is it safe to say that the rule of thumb is the greater the pain and discomfort the better the sacrifice?
God : Presto!!!
Interviewer: "Please tell us a little about your childhood."
God: "When I was a little god? Oh it was nice. We were a great bunch back then. Daddy El was old already, he was kind and didn't stay on our backs. He was only there for the big family feasts. We could play wild and naughty all the time. I loved cloud-riding and thunderbolt games -- my cousin Baal taught me quite a few tricks. Too bad we fell out later. I had a hot girlfriend, Asherah -- wanna see a picture of her?"
Interviewer: "Yes please... camera!"
God: "Quite the girl, huh... er, sorry. I also had a huge pet dragon, Leviathan, but once I cut it asunder -- that's the day I created the world. Cousin Baal did that too before me."
Interviewer: "But he didn't create the world, did he?"
God: "Yes he did. Many of us created the world a number of times, in different ways. But only the last one counts. I won!"
Interviewer: "I thought you created the world in seven days, just by speaking."
God: "Yeah, that was the last time. Dull isn't it? No wonder I hate speaking. I was grown up then, and alone already."
Interviewer: "What about your family?"
God: "That's a sad story. I killed them all."
Interviewer: "What?"
God: "And it wasn't even fun, like when cousin Seth killed his brother Osiris; I had played that before, as most of us did. This was just a game: the dead's girlfriend used to come and resurrect us, and life went on. No, that time I killed them all for good."
Interviewer: "How did you kill them?"
God: "With words. It's incredible what you can do with words and what they can do to you -- if you are a god, of course."
Interviewer: "How did it happen?"
God: "Well, one day we were playing Peoples and History -- a lousy game if you ask me. I had a people named Israel, and cousin Marduk took my land. Suddenly I got the idea of saying a silly thing: 'You didn't win, I made mine lose.' Believe it or not, Marduk wasn't there anymore."
Interviewer: "You're a bad loser, aren't you?"
God: "I'm afraid I am. But the worst was yet to come. I couldn't help trying that trick once more. Guess what I said?"
Interviewer:...
God: "I shouted: 'I am the only one! There is no god but me!'" I looked around and I was alone."
Interviewer: "Scary."
God: "I bet you..."
Interviewer: "How do you explain that?"
God: "I don't! One guy once said they must have died laughing. I didn't like that, but perhaps he had a point after all."
Interviewer: "And you could not resurrect them? Or create others?"
God: "I found out, sadly, that words are real deadly to us immortals. And whatever I could create henceforth was no god -- angels, good or bad. The best I could make so far is Satan. We play chess every night but it's not so fun because he cannot win."
Interviewer: "A bad loser's punishment?"
God: "You're cruel."
Interviewer: "And can't a human become a god?"
God: "Nope. I tried this once. If he does he ends up becoming Me."
Interviewer: "Do you think you will die someday?"
God: "Sometimes I'd like to, but I doubt that would work."
Interviewer: "Whatever you say happens."
God (bowing head): "When I said I was the only one, I also said I was eternal and I couldn't lie. Beat me."
Oh God. I killed him.
Oh God. I killed him.
And you thought being a thread killer was bad... now we have a GOD KILLER!
(Actually God was killed earlier by the Infamous One... he's pretty resilient...)
Dave
This is good stuff. Dave, when ya gonna call me? (if you've tried this week I'm sorry, I've either been downtown or sleeping)
