by Cordelia 63 Replies latest jw friends
stupid j-dubs!!!! this is the first ive heard of your threads, so sorry about what youre going through... youre life will improve now, im sure ur bf will eventually understand... sounds like a stand up guy to me... and again, ur better off without the j-dubs... my heart goes out to u...
the infamous one
Cordelia, hopefully this helps, My peronal experience is as follows. I was born & raised "in", around the age of 20 I moved to another state, Partly this was to establish my own identity as my dad was a well known elder and I felt I was living in his shadow. When i moved, i had no plans to fade or leave the "truth". I made a wholehearted attempt to maintain a "spiritual" way of life, unfortunately this just didn't work out. After recieving a very cold reception at the new local congo, i found myself spending more time with my sister and her "worldly" housemates. Where the congo had had nothing to do with me (with the exception of one elder that said "hi" twice and visited after I quit attending) my sister's housemates/friends welcomed me with open arms and treated me as one of their own. I quit attending meetings when I was spending my weekends drinking beers and smoking pot. I felt pretty hypocritical at that point, and stoppped going the day I smoked a cigarette on the way to the k-hall (I'm a little slow on the uptake). After some time away I began to realize alot of untruths about the Jw religion. I had no longer believed all of the doctrines put forth, and expressed this to my parents when they asked why I was not attending meetings. When I told them I would only be attending for the wrong reasons (aka to keep them happy) they told me I should attend even if it was for the wrong reasons to "get back into the habit an dreturn to the flock". This seemd very hypocritical to me. I never did return to the meetings, and spent 10 years avoiding the subject so as not to hurt their feelings. Over time with many guilt trips and unforgivables (not attending my wedding) I ceased padding thier egos. I can identify with you on many levels, we are all raised to avoid confrontation & causing any sort of ripples or discomfort to others. My mom reminds me alot of what you have said about your father, she is very sensitive and has literally sacrifice her health to make other people (the church) happy. She has chronic fatigue syndrome and still feels guilty if she is not pioneering. After a few years of not seeing them, I visited. They seemed so old and weak I couldn't bring myself to "break their hearts" by telling them it was over as regards to the church. for the next several years we played the "don't ask. don't tell" policy. Basically, we drug out the seperation for 10 years. From personal experience I can tell you that avoidance is NOT the best policy. You are much better off to mnake your decision known now than to wait for years & years for the same end result. If you don't believe it, it's unfair to your family, boyfriend & especially yourslef to drag this out. You seem to be a very intelligent and caring person, you owe it to yourself and those who love you to be who you are and be happy. I think that, while there may be some unhappiness now, If your parents really love you as they claim, they will come out the other side bette for it in the long run. In my case, my family's love s very conditional. They cannot appreciate me for the person I am or the good I have accomplished in my life, all they see is my failure to be what they wanted. Yourr family sounds much more accepting, If your father is 1/2 the man you say he is, he will always love you as his daughter. Trust me, it's not worth acting to preserve the peace. It will only lead to heartache and pain down the road. all said, I hope this transition (or not) works out for you & your best interest. Please know myself and many others are here for you and will provide all the emotional support we can, no matter what your decision regarding your family and your faith. Big hugs & much love, Big Willy
it really means alot that u all take the time out to care, your comments help me alot,
tik i did get your email the other day and there were so many things i want to respond to so i will email u when i have more time, (i keep just bobbing on the comp) it was lovely to hear from you,
sass u are right and i will put my daughter first i have just got a good solictor, but my hubby wants her half and half which is only fair, thats the sadest thing of all this, guess thats why when me and the bf had it hard i swayed towards the 'truth' again, and figured id just go back to everything id left behind, but i didnt count on loving the bf still so much! (he thinks its freaky how we cant seem to completely let go, whan it prob would be the best thing for both of us, but he feels that must mean its love and so he wants to move in and be together openly this time)
which is what i decided to do, coz i havent been happy living this double life, but that brings me to ,y family how do i tell them?
big willy thanks for your experience, i always thought it was better to fade and not be dfed coz than at least they can have association without feeling guilty to god, but i guess its just as hard either way! youre right my dad does love me but i know without a doubt that he would cut me off completely if i was seeing/living with this boy, and thats what hurts my family will see it as a choice between them and him, and there not well etc and i will break there hearts but i dont think getting reinstated then leaving would be much better do you?
plus id lose the bf, anyway im going round in circles i have made the decision to be with him and stop the meetings (i hate sitting there) but how do i go about telling them?
and am i making the right decision?
can you be happy without your family around?
Cordelia,
If your happiness is dependent on external things it isn't really happiness, it just produces temporary feelings associated with happiness.
I agree with LittleToe that it would be better for you in the long run if your decision is not based on your family or your boyfriend. If you believe this religion teaches the truth, stay with it. If you believe it actively promotes harmful lies, leave it.
My two pfennings.
AuldSoul
how do i hurt them so much
It is not you that is hurting them. It is their religion that hurts them. You have no control over that.
Glad the story helped, sorry if it rambled on a bit (I wrote it after a few beers). When it comes to leaving the "truth" there really is no good way to do it. Any family still in will have a hard time dealing with it. My opinion is this; if you are already df'd, you are already most of the way there. It seems like you will be putting yourself and the fam thru much more grief my pretending you want back in, then leaving slowly. They will never be happy unless you are living the good little JW lifestyle. In my opinion (for what it's worth) you will be much better off to make the clean break now. This will allow your parents to adjust and decide how they are going to handle it. If you are important to them & they truly love you as their daughter, they will still make you part of their lives. If their church (still feels wrong to call it that, odd) is more important to them (as is the case with my family) they will never have accepted you as you are anyway.
This stuff sucks, the transition is never easy & there's no way to avoid hurting peoples feelings. As stated by others, the important thing is to take care of YOU. It's not worth sacrificing your happiness & well being to make anyone else happy.
Big hugs and support,
Big Willy
PS - Happy Birthday!!!
you're already out, cordelia... you don't have to decide if you want to stay in or leave, you are already out! there's no need to live a double life anymore once you're out...
1)i understand what you are both saying. but do you understand my piont that if i say about my bf i will lose my family forever and its a big decision to make.2)i did decide i would just go back and live my life thru my family but if my bf is willing to have me back then i feel like i should give him a chance.
1) It's a very good possibilty that you will "lose" your family anyway IF you don't concede to their wishes and return to the cult. It IS a big decision to make....I sat on this for months in the privacy of my home (didn't even breathe a word of my decision to my nonJW hubby) because I knew the total upset that would follow with the rest of my JW family---and the crap I had put hubby through for 30 years.
The WTS has a hold on their minds, hearts and souls....this is the way the WTS wants it. They make it extremely difficult to completely leave (even if you're DFed at the moment) as you are discovering. You need to figure out exactly what you really want---and proceed from that point.
2) WHY would you want to go back to live an unfulfilling life dedicated to an organization that demands your loyalty and obedience? To please your family? You already know that their "love" is conditional and could turn on you in a heartbeat! You tried it "their way" and it's obvious you were not happy!
Whether or not you stay with your boyfriend is secondary----mentally breaking free from your family and standing up for yourself and your future is the first item up on the agenda. The fact that the BF is willing to still be a part of your life with all the hideous WTS cult background you are surrounded with.....says a lot about him and I would think this would count in his favor.
The most difficult part is (at least it was for me) coming to grips with my own feelings and deciding to chuck it all.......to keep my sanity and my integrity in not being able to preach to others knowing the WTS is a fraud (not to mention the wacky lifestyle and hamster-wheel existance). Once you have actually made up your mind....the rest falls into place, and you will be free of any WTS entanglements that they heap on you. They simply do not matter any more.
Wishing you all the best.....I know it's tough,
hugs,
Annie
I'm going to have to go with what a lot of people on this topic have already said. You need to focus on you right now...You don't need to be dragging your bf into this, because you have way too many issues to deal with in yourself to pile having a relationship on top of you as well. But of course, that's between you and him and if he wants to stand by you then that's fantastic...and you need to listen to that. Your bf wants to stand by you no matter what. Your family wants to stand by you as long as you follow 'the rules.' That's conditional love. Anything that's gonna have conditions and limitations attached to it isn't really something worth considering.
"Friends are the Family you pick for yourself." - Anonymous
You have NO control over your family. If they're gonna shun you then there is nothing you can do about it. You do have control over you, and your daughter only because of her age at this point, so we'll just lump her into you for the moment.
My mother and my therapist have both said this very exact statement and after getting my shi!t straight(er) I believe it to be true. "You cannot look out for anyone else unless you look out for yourself." You have been spending all of your life worrying about others, and although this is admirable to a certain extent, if you don't take care of you, then you can't possibly take care of others. Stop worrying about them! Stop worrying about what they'll think! They are big girls and boys. They can take care of themselves...just as you are a big girl. Take care of yourself! No one else will. If they can no longer love you because you choose to take care of your emotional/physical/psychological welfare then what kind of people are they?!
Cordelia, try to be happy. Just for once, be a little self-oriented...take care of yourself. Nurture yourself. Feed yourself. Give yourself what you need.
Mathew 11:29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
The yoke is easy and the burden is light. If you're worried over spiritual things think of that as well. This is not a light burden you're carrying for this religion...this yoke you are wearing is not easy...it is bending you over with guilt and doubt and remorse and worry. Cast off this uneven yoke...cast off this unbearable burden...love yourself. It's really not that hard to do. This bf of yours loves you...so there's gotta be something wonderful and delightful about you. Find your self-esteem. Stand up for you. You might lose out on that conditional love, but I whole-heartedly feel that in the end you will be given so much more in return.
You know, now that my family aren't around any more I'm surprised at how VERY happy I am! Life is so great in spite of them not being there! And because they're such loveless folk I barely miss them at all. They treat me so badly I don't want them back, and I am focussing on other things that make me much happier than their interference in my life ever did or ever would.
