ok i think i finally have made a decision

by Cordelia 63 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  bigwilly

  did any of you ever feel like that when you were losing everything?

  Yep, and to an extent I have permanently lost (thrown away?) my "family & friends". But, I have since made true friends who will be my friends regardless of my religious decisions. I have some genetic family (sisters & a cousin, uncle or 2) that I keep as a permanent part of my life (all out of the org). But I have a new family made up of my wife, her parents & some very close friends that all understand and care about me more thatn my parental units ever did. My inlaws have actually been better parents to me than my own over the last several years. My new family has been with me, supported me and loved me unconditionally through thick and thin.

  While you may suffer a loss of family (and this hurts, alot trust me) now, there is much much more out there and many people that will care about you and love you for who you are, not who they wish you were.

  I wish you well, put Chris (my wife) & I on the "new family list"

  Big Willy
• 

  diamondblue1974

  Hey...glad things seem a little clearer for you (if only a little).

  I am glad you have got good legal advice in relation to your little girl and maybe this is too soon to think about it, I dont know but whilst there might well be agreed joint residence, who will have final say over the little uns' religious upbringing? Its an important factor to consider and whilst most courts will not 'pass judgement' on the religious views of the parents there have been instances where the court will consider arguments in relation to how heavily indoctrinated they are likely to be and or whether or not the child concerned will suffer social isolation.

  Your argument could well be that your child is at risk of being indoctrinated into shunning you which in effect will deny her one of her parents...this as far as I am concerned is a valid argument which will make any family court judge sit up and take note.

  The courts generally will not intervene if the child already has religious views but if she is young there is more leeway in terms of ensuring she has a balanced upbringing...my advice is set the boundaries while you can.

  I am not a family law expert but ask your Solicitor about whether you can apply for a any relevant orders in relation to the issue of religious education and in particular ask about the following cases and whether they have a bearing on the issues.

  Re B & G (Minors) (Custody) 1985 FLR 493 Court of Appeal

  Hewison v Hewison [1977] Fam Law 207 Court of Appeal (Social Isolation point)

  Wright v Wright [1980] 2 FLR 276 Court of Appeal (Indoctrination point)

  Sorry if all this is a bit too much but thought I would at least throw some ideas round.

  DB74
• 

  Cordelia

  Ross the answer to your question is no i dont think its the truth but did you never question it esp as your choice of course meant you losing so much you must of been certain, how were you?

  big willy thanks i would love u and ur wife to be on my family list

  diamondblue, i really do appreciate you saying all that tho i havent a clue what those cases were about, it's something i have been pretty worried about, coz now i have decided which way to go my hubby will defo start divorce preceedings and he is very clever, and even said the other day that if i tried to 'pioson my daughters mind he would get custody' so what i planned to do was see my solictor about the house etc and then say that i wanted something signing so that she would actually be in my custody (i recieve her child benefit etc) tho we do share her he has her 3 nights i have her 4, is it possiable to get something signed coz i am also worried that his time with her is every weekend which is ok for now but when she starts school i would like to see abit more of her, can they change it in the future?
• 

  forsharry

  Cordelia...I told my mother your story (she's DA'd) and she said something to me which I'm passing on to you.

  "Being a woman is a bitch. Not only do we have a head on our shoulders but we have too big of a heart and it always seems to be getting in the way of our minds."

  You KNOW what you need to do to save your sanity, your relationship, heck, we'll go with your daughter to. Your brain is TELLING you what to do. You keep saying that "I know, I know, I know." We believe you. But your heart is mucking everything up here. The heart wants everyone to get along, and all be friends and have everything perfect. It wants to plead and beg and give second chances. Your heart wants to run to your daddy and hug him and tell him everything is going to be fine.

  But it's not.

  It's very simple Cordelia. You know this already. It's either you. Or the religion. And you've said that it's not the truth. Now come on....what is the point in dying inside for a lie? So your daddy won't cry? Oh come on. Let your dad cry. He's a big boy. He'll get over this, one way or the other.

  I don't mean to come across harsh and brutal here...but this is the bottom line. Take out that heart from this equation. This is nothing about selfishness...it's about self-respect. You take care of you. If people get upset because you choose you? Well to hell with them. What kind of people would want you to be unhappy? Obviously ones that aren't listening to their own minds. There's a little voice in your head...it gives suggestions to all of us...when we don't listen to it, does it not go badly? Listen to that voice...and tell your heart to take a hike in this case.

  Forsharry (Of the Stupid Heart Class)
• 

  Cordelia

  forsharry that was absolutely fantastic, i need telling me definately! im gonna write some of what you said down and carry it with me, jgnat gave me that idea, to write my decision down and keep it with me always, and tikjmo once said theres nothing worse than being caught in two minds it drives you insane, so thanks your support is exactly what i need at the mo,

  i cant even order a meal till i know what everyone else is getting! i think theres something wrong with me or im just super nice (more like stupid!)
• 

  LittleToe

  Cordy:

  Ross the answer to your question is no i dont think its the truth but did you never question it esp as your choice of course meant you losing so much you must of been certain, how were you?

  I lost everything except a child (as I didn't have one). It hurt like the dickens. I've never questioned it because, to be honest, it's an absolute no-brainer.

  Now you know what we've all ordered for our starter, main and dessert, what will you have?
• 

  bigwilly

  i cant even order a meal till i know what everyone else is getting! i think theres something wrong with me or im just super nice (more like stupid!)

  Nope, just programmed codepedance! Not your bad, it's the way the entire org programs their follower to be (I still ask my wife permission to eat things out of the fridge ).

  Big Willy
• 

  forsharry

  Cordelia,

  Like Big Willy said...you're not stupid...and there's nothing wrong with you. Being raised as a witness I looked to my parents and then the organization for my answers...I was never taught to look to myself. My husband and I joke about my decision making capabilities...we call it "Team Indecision."

  You have never been shown to think and act on your own. A lot of us come from this lot...and it's hard as hell to learn once we're adults. But there's good news...you're doing it now Cordelia. You're just second-guessing yourself...or more correctly, your heart is. You've got a good head on your shoulders here, and I think asking for help when you feel overwhelmed is a smart thing. If nothing else all of our posts have simply reiterated what's going on in your mind already. There's a TON of comfort in that, believe me! And you're taking steps...small ones, but they're steps. That's where it's all at. You're doing great!

  Jgnat had a great idea...make yourself a piece of paper with affirmations on it...say it as you're brushing your teeth, doing your hair, before you fall asleep. And don't give up! Don't give in!

  Forsharry (Of the Pom-Pom Cheering Crowd)
• 

  diamondblue1974

  The cases are examples where courts have taken into consideration issues relating to the indoctrination of children, and the fact that they could be socially isolated in deciding custody (now called residence). Your solicitor should know more about them and would be better placed than I to advise on a course of action but I do hope my limited research has helped.

  Another point is that you can apply to the courts for 'specific issue orders' to prevent attendance at meetings or religious services if you so wished or you felt such services would put your child at risk.

  Another point of advice when dealing with your solicitor...he or she will only be as good as you allow them to be; you need to educate him or her as to why you have objections about the religious instruction she will have at meetings; you can bet your last pound that your ex will fluff the meetings up to look like glorified sunday school whereas you need to be prepared to educate your legal advisors as to their shunning policies in particular relating to family members (you have more insight into this than most it seems). Everything negative about Jehovahs Witnesses would be useful as ammunition and should be used with full force. They can get right behind you and look after you and your daughters interests.

  Set out what you want to achieve...whether that be joint or shared residence with 'specific issue orders' to prevent attendance at meetings or whether that be residence being assigned to you with a contact order being made to allow daddy to see his daughter. Either way if your lawyers are aware of the issues then they are best placed to advise and support you.

  My dissertation is actually on child protection law (although I am no expert on this area yet) so if there is anything you need research wise please let me know as it might save you some money!

  If you need a good family lawyer I can give you a few names to ring who will treat you fairly and sensitively; the old term 'velvet glove, iron hand' comes to mind with these guys so you will be looked after.

  DB74
• 

  Cordelia

  thanks everyone, diamondblue, i will look into those cases, i have no objection to her going to the meetings, but i would like her to join in activities at school and not feel left out, its a tricky one as my family and others will tell her what i let her do is wrong! I was planning on letting her make her own decision as she got older bur obviously i wouldnt really want her to be baptised and then shun me! (doesnt bear thinking about)

  I would really like sole residency but he could see her every weekend as thats only fair, but do you need sole residency so that when it came to decisions about her school etc i could make them? what is the difference in sole and joint residency?

  Ross thats a good thing to do, questioning things is whats driving me mad! and im glad things are better for you now,

  I'm really hurt about my dad and took it out abit on the bf again (i must stop doing that!) he hasnt told my mum yet as i guess he must be holding out that ill change my mind, one good thing was ive shown him the wt b and tract society on the un website (as he said it was only on the apostate sites) and he was shocked and i read to him what an ngo is, and he is going to find out about it, i could do with getting some more imfo together as to what the societys answer is to this so i can deal with it,

  At least he's listening alittle, and all i have to do now is stick with my decision and not go to the meetings again, and hope things get easier!!