I'm gonna have to go with Gary on this. Maybe prick is a harsh word...but how can you turn off love, caring, friendship? My father was disfellowshipped...and I still gave him a squeeze or touched his arm in care and affection while in the den of vipers! I'm not gonna get all biblical...just because I remember scripture doesn't mean that I make it up to be a hill of beans. I just think if someone can throw away 35 years of friendship, love, whatever you want to call it, then what kind of person are they intrensically? I think that the JW religion causes psychosis...How else can you explain what is medically considered humanly aberrant behavior?
Emotional Baggage.............
by AK - Jeff 35 Replies latest jw experiences
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blondie
AK-Jeff, reading your post about your cousin made an alarm go off. You talk about the things you did for him...what did he do to help and support you? Is he just a taker...or do I only see part of the story? Growing up in my abusive family, my role was to take care of everyone else except me. Was it a big surprise that my family did not reciprocate? There was little or no gratitude, just a kick in the posterior or worse.
I have to admit that I got some kind of emotional payback "helping" and I still have to watch that here on the DB.
Maybe it shouldn't be a surprise that he has reacted the way he has.
Love, Blondie
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diamondblue1974
This reminds me of how I felt back in February of this year when I first starting posting here; I held the mistaken view that I was free of the witnesses and yet I was soon to discover that I was anything but free even though I had not been to a meeting in near enough a decade. Another poster mentioned the grieving process and this is very true; we all react differently to the pain we have suffered at the hands of the witnesses, some are bitter, some are pragmatic and are more altruistic, none are wrong...the important thing is that you move on and dont let history get the better of you...use it to analyse the situation...use it analyse what friends you have now and how they are different.
For me this has worked...people I call friends these days are people I can rely upon and visa versa... keep smiling AK.
DB74
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diamondblue1974
This reminds me of how I felt back in February of this year when I first starting posting here; I held the mistaken view that I was free of the witnesses and yet I was soon to discover that I was anything but free even though I had not been to a meeting in near enough a decade. Another poster mentioned the grieving process and this is very true; we all react differently to the pain we have suffered at the hands of the witnesses, some are bitter, some are pragmatic and are more altruistic, none are wrong...the important thing is that you move on and dont let history get the better of you...use it to analyse the situation...use it analyse what friends you have now and how they are different.
For me this has worked...people I call friends these days are people I can rely upon and visa versa... keep smiling AK.
DB74
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Fleur
I'm sorry for your pain. Been there, felt that, believe me.
Blondie makes a valid point. I didn't realize for the first few years of grieving that the people that had dumped me like so much garbage when I left the org. were the ones who used me up and bled me dry emotionally and physically. Psychic vampires, I've heard them call before. Takers, users, whatever term you describe them with, there are similiarities in the personality types of these people.
It takes someone with a big self righteous streak to be able to shun so coldly someone who has stood by them in good times and bad. As the years have gone on since I 'lost' almost everyone and everything I knew since I was born, I have realized how much I have gained.
It's perfectly normal to grieve the way you are, be kind to yourself. These things come in waves.
A bit farther down the same road, I have discovered that the people that shun me...they miss me, and what I did for them, a lot more than I miss them.
I wish you peace...
essie
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Frogleg
FWIW, I too agree with Gary, and I'm sorry, but "prick" is not (excuse the pun) stiff enough. The reason those pricks do the shunning in the first place is supposedly (oh, of course) for the good of the one who is being shunned. It is in hopes that they will "come to their senses", although comming to their senses is usually what started the whole thing anyway. If Jeff's cousin is told that he is being a prick, as opposed to the "Chrisitian" that he thinks he is being, and he actually looks at himself in honesty, the reality of the situation may shake something loose.
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daystar
Jeff
You're definately not alone in this. I've been out fourteen years, and while I feel like I've made a great deal of progress, it has become apparent that I still have a ways to go.
One mistake was in assuming that I had "recovered" already. That way it was easy to ignore what was still there.
A good thing to remember is that ultimately, we'll be alright.
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coolhandluke
I don't think the people are pricks. In their minds they are doing the only thing that they can to get you back and still have God's approval. Take yourselves out of pocket for a moment. I say this being the victim of being shunned by my granmother who is my greatest ally and oldest friend. She raised me. She taught me to think critically. She taught me how to reason at the doors and how to see the human side of the preaching work.
I am not blind to the pain that witnesses can cause. I simply believe that your anger is misplaced and does not take into consideration the situation of your loved one. Your words bring you down to their level except that their defense lies in wanting to save your life from their perspective. Yours lies in anger arising from a narrow viewpoint.
CHL
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jeanniebeanz
Thank you for judging us in our pain. We feel so much better now...
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Lady Lee
About those stages
Stasis (normal life at the time)
SHOCK - loss
Denial
Bargaining
Anger
Depression
Expression (real sadness, emotional let go)
Acceptance
Resolution
This is not a straight line. It's a dane - back and forth and round and round.
And whenever we get hurt again by the shunning or realize another side to the abuses and hurts we go for another dance.
The good news is that we should be able to get through the worst of every cycle faster than the last one.
I'll tell you all a little story - non-JW related but abuse related.
Several years ago - well quite a few years ago - BOTH my daughters had friends - really good friends. And at some point these freinds told my daughters they were being abused at home. Well my girls knew what to do and supported their friends, helped them call social services and get the help they needed. They stuck by these friends through everything. And they both thought that their friends would appreciate the help that was given to them.
Well as soon as the problems were dealt with my daughters were both dumped. And they wanted to know why. It hurt.
The best explanation I could give them was that my daughters knew too much now about their friends and their problems. They became a risk factor regarding the possibility of letting the cat out of the bag. The girls didn't want to talk about what was really going on at home after the abuse was out and they couldn't face my daughters without having the subject come up sometimes. So it was easier for the other girls to stop talking to my girls.
It wasn't even enough to just say to my girls I don't want to talk about it. Just being together was a reminder that someone outside the family knew way too much.
Now if we can apply the same idea to our old JW friends I think this still works. On some level I think many JWs know something is not quite right. And for those of us who have left we aren't afraid to talk about it anymore. BUT THEY STILL ARE AFRAID. And they know the risks of having too much information.
Then add in the rules about talking to those who have left and the fears are too great for most JWs to overcome. And we are left standing in the windstorm as they run off to seek cover within the WT walls.
Yes it hurts. Sometimes a lot. And the more invested we were in the freindship the greater their fear.
Just a few thoughts on my part about all of this shunning crap