by AK - Jeff 35 Replies latest jw experiences
Thank you for judging us in our pain.
Our pain is right. It is my pain too. The problem with pain is that it is reflexive. It usually focuses on self and is not objective. So yeah, our pain does not see all sides, it sees our side. By the way. There was no judgement, merely observation.
CHL
It's likely the anger and disappointment will be there for a very long time. When people we trusted turn on us, it doesn’t just ruin a relationship - it shakes our perception of reality. No one is soon to forget an experience akin to having the ground beneath your feet open up and swallow you whole. It becomes worse when we can't comprehend the behavior of others, when there is no way to rationalize it. Suddenly, our dealings with others are steeped in uncertainty and danger and it may be a while before we can be sure of our footing again.
Even after years of walking on rock-solid earth, the smallest suggestion of an aftershock can send us scurrying in confusion, anxiety, and panic.
Instead of worrying about "getting over" it, "getting on" - as you're trying to do, Jeff - seems a healthy goal.
Some peoples justifiable response to this type of abusive behaviour (from friends and family) is to 'write them off'. Your judging that as a 'narrow minded' approach is what I took offense to.
Speak for yourself. Just because you do not choose to deal with abandonment by kicking these people out of your life does not mean that those who do are 'narrow minded'.
These abusive betrayers are full grown adults and it is their choice to do what they do. I do not buy into the bull that they have no responsibility for their actions because they were 'brainwashed' one bit. When a dub, I did it, and was fully aware of how hurtful it was to the disfellowshipped person. I needed to have the snot smacked out of me. It was disgusting abusive behaviour and I regret it terribly.
J
It was disgusting abusive behaviour and I regret it terribly.
And perhaps in time so will they. In the meantime however the pain of enduring this behavior is taxing enough while trying to move forward. Why exacerbate it with negative feelings amid so many already negative feelings. Not for nothing, I was pissed as hell at my grandman for her stupid behavior. She should know better. She's just following her husband and his example being her spiritual head. She's doing what her Watchtower trained consciene tells her even though it violates her biology. All I'm saying is that it is narrow minded not to consider all sides. Perhaps this consideration helps us to move on a little, to forgive. I for one do not have room in my heart for the space that hating takes up. Calling someone a "prick" and "worse" is hateful. Yeah, cuz that'll show 'em.
Name calling is a bit harsh...remember we were once trapped in that same way of thinking ourselves one time.
I remember my best friend growing up got DFd. That was a tough thing. I was considered part of his family. His mother was my second mother. His cousins were my cousins(a couple of the girls were kissing cousins ). While my best friend was DFd, his father died. The entire JW family came from several different states for the funeral. For a week the huge family stayed together, ate together, consoled one another. The DFd son was present during most of this. And I shunned him each and every time I saw him. Even at the funeral home during the receiving line, he was standing beside his mother beside the casket as hundreds of people filed by. And like the dutiful JW that I was, I completely ignored him, wouldn't even look at him. I talked to his mom and carried on a conversation and acted like he wasn't even there. The next day, I thought back on it and realized what an ass I was for what I did. Who cares that he was DFd? This was my best friend growing up and I treated him like shit during one of the worst weeks of his life. How could I do that? I have regreted my actions deeply ever since and I swear I will never treat someone like that ever again.
My point is that maybe the cousin is just trying to be that good JW, serving God as he has been taught to believe. Before we blame him, let's remember that it's the Society that has created this monstrous policy of treating people so bad. I think, without that influence, most people would be horrified to believe that they could actually act that way.
so sorry that you have to go through this, ive been there, not so much fam members but close friends who said they would stick by me whatever my dec was, as long as i was happy.....now to this person im considered a bad association and she has not spoken to me in over a year!!! I got angry, i was hurt and then i finally said well F^ck her. What makes me laugh is that the last convo we had she was doubting the borg big time and was thinking of leaving, i did not try to encourage or discourage her, but now im considered bad.
I deliberately went to our convention this year as i knew i would bump into her just to show her that she is no better than i am it was a great victory for me
es
What can I say? There truly is 'nothing new under the sun'. This kind of hateful act goes on inside and out of the organization, doesn't it? The big difference is that among Jw's it is 'expected behaviour' - that is the sad part. Nothing is judged on individual merit in this area. Just follow the rules and "Jehovah will set matters in order in time".
What a nice thing it was to have you comment on this issue - of course it has been rehashed so many times on here that it prob fills half the archives - and yet this pain is never completely done 'throbbing', and so we deal with it time and again. Thanx to those who commented while I was not here, Lady Lee, Blondie, CHL, Jeannie, DS, Fleur, DB1974, Forsharry, GaryB, MrsJones, Ingenuous, UC, Es.
The soothing words, and even those I don't agree with are a comfort. It shows we care for each other here. Thanx again.
I will of course cycle thru this issue time and again as mentioned. I do think though that each time it has gotten easier. I do not wish to live in the past, and I am working at moving on in life. This was just a bad day for some reason. I feel a little better now - I have just begun to get some things ready for our Thanksgiving Dinner, and that helped my spirit. Happy T-day to all.
Jeff
AK-Jeff, in my younger days I kept in touch with a brother who disassociated himself for over 20 years. He eventually returned to the org. You know, he has 'never' called me once since I've been out. It doesn't bother me. If anything I still call him and he's very thankful. I get back rewards in different ways, I cast my bread upon the waters and believe me, it returns.
You had some interesting comments from fellow posters.
Golf
Hi Jeff... Its so hard when this type of stuff happens.
I know myself I think that I am finally strong enough to not let them get to me and that my life is moving on... Then I run into someone in the shops and they shun me, my old best friends. Or I see them in the carpark of the Kingdom Hall and my emotions bubble over.
Its difficult because you think you've reached a point of healing and then you seem to go backwards. A bit like LadyLee explained with those stages. Its so confusing.
Thank goodness we have a place where we can talk about our feelings with people who understand. It makes it that much easier.
For you....
AK-Jeff:
So much happens while I'm asleep! Yep, I'm in tomorrow already!
It's been some years of shunning for us. Mrs Ozzie and I lost every family member over several generations so we are unaware of births and marriages.
Since we walked away from the borg much has happened. Firstly, we knew the borg's teachings on two areas particularly were wrong; the nature of Christ and the whole judicial/elder arrangement.
We spent a weekend with friends digesting COC and ISOCF and the started our walk to freedom. Mrs Ozzie and I spent about a year in Bible and other study to determine how much dub baggae we were ditching i.e. what did we believe?
After that we built up a circle of friends from our travel and from the churches we associated with.
I mention this because like other replies I've found you go thru stages, a bit like anything really as it grows.
Nowadays it's hard for both of us to even remember the names of our former dub associates - remember that's what they were, associates.
We are very comfortable with our life, we know we made the right decision, we know that our relatives worship not "the Troof" but the great lie, and that we have been blessed. We take cmfort from this text: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him" - Romans 8:28
So what about the shunning?
Sometimes I find myself even amused by it, but they, the shunners, are the losers, not I.
They are the ones fuelling their hate, not I.
They are the ones who are enslaved, not I.
Glorious freedom!
AL-Jeff, remember "this too shall pass".
Cheers from downunder, Ozzie
