by DanTheMan 41 Replies latest jw friends
Is she even aware that she's acting like a bitch? Some people act like everyone else is the problem and not them. Maybe you could invite your nephew over to your house to play games and watch tv and just stay away from her...or as soon as she starts acting up ...make your excuses and leave.
He's 15....won't be long and he won't even bother coming to visit her, especially if she continues.
lisa
Hm, sounds to me like she's shooting herself in the foot if she's trying to keep her son from joining the Pentecostal contingent. If they are nice to him (and not too wacky), he might well choose to check out their religion...and maybe even see if he can move in with dad. Nothing worse than being made to feel like your mother hates you. Having to put up with yelling all the time would be a definite turn off.
I agree with Scully----I think Dr. Phil's book might be worth getting. Verbal abuse can be just as bad as physical abuse, except the scars don't show. My dad yelled at us alot when we were kids and I constantly was made to feel like I was stupid, even though that may not have been his intention---he simply had no patience for children.
I would say something to your sister if I were you. What she's doing is abuse. Her son needs love, guidance, patience and to be built up, not screamed at.
Yes Dave, it's the most delicate of delicate propositions to bring up her anger problem.
It irritates me that she seems to respect me generally, and she cries to me about the situation with her ex and her difficulties with B, but I don't dare tell her that she's a big part of the problem with her crazy anger.
He's 15....won't be long and he won't even bother coming to visit her, especially if she continues.
Her big fear is that he's going to go nutty religious (he already is pretty on board with a lot of the Pentecostal stuff) and shun us altogether. But her treatment of B is a factor in favor of that prophecy being fulfilled. But I don't dare tell her that.
Luna, he's already pretty involved with the church. And his dad is currently pressing for full custody in their ongoing court battle, and this seems to be ok with B. They are religious wack-jobs, but they don't scream at him.
Her son needs love, guidance, patience and to be built up, not screamed at.
I know, and I try to demonstrate this. Like over the Thanksgiving holiday we were up late playing cards, but my sister's hub had gone to bed because he wasn't feeling well. Well B starts playing trash basketball in the kitchen, and he missed with a plastic bottle, and it made a lot of noise hitting the floor. So before my sister got a chance to start screaming, I said "B, you know C is trying to sleep, so that's probably not a good idea", with no anger or "what the hell were you thinking" tone that he *always* gets from his mom. And he was like, "oops, sorry" and then everything was cool!
But apparently she didn't get it, as it was business as usual last night. :(
You'd probably know best how her words compare to your mom and dad's outbursts with both of you when you were kids.
Maybe sometime if she starts in on your nephew, you could visibly shudder and say something like "Holy Crap! I could have sworn I heard mom's/dad's voice just now.... I know that's the last thing you'd want to do to your own kids."
On the other hand, chances are pretty good that there's something below the surface that's triggering her anger and that your nephew leaving a few shirts on the floor is just an easy target. She's probably acting out her fear - maybe her anger is directed at his biological dad and B is taking the heat because the dad isn't accessible.
You might be able to get through to her by saying something like "I love you and B so much and I'm really scared that [her ex] will hear about how you yell at B when he's not meeting your expectations, and that it will be held against you in the custody hearings. It would hurt me to see you lose custody of him over something that you could change with a little practice. Is keeping him here with you worth making some small changes to fix that?"
maybe her anger is directed at his biological dad and B is taking the heat because the dad isn't accessible.
That's exactly what it is. She and her ex have developed an adversarial relationship that started even when they were married. And my nephew is caught in the middle.
Her big fear is that he's going to go nutty religious (he already is pretty on board with a lot of the Pentecostal stuff) and shun us altogether. But her treatment of B is a factor in favor of that prophecy being fulfilled. But I don't dare tell her that.
I think that you must find a way to tell her that. She may not like it, but since she values and respects you, she will think about it. It may be what she needs to hear, even if she doesn't want to hear it.
My sister is the same way. But, then again, so am I. I tell her exactly what I think, but I do it a gently as possible. There have been a few times that it resulted in a big blowup between us. And, I knew it was going to happen that way, I just chose my battle. Usually, my battles have something to do with my family. The last time this happened, she didn't speak to me for a month. Eventually, she comes around. You just have to decide is the risk of losing your nephew great enough to go through an argument with your sister. You may even tell her that you know it's going to cause an argument, but you care enough about B, that you're willing to risk an arguement.
I think that B is very fortunate to have an uncle like you, that cares about him.
CountryGuy
